step right up. for one day only, i’m creating an anonymous sober confession booth about SEX. Yes, i’ve got something running through my head and i thought, OK, let’s blog about it. and really, it’s amazingly hard to talk about sex even when we’re quasi-anonymous online. And so then i thought, OK, let’s make it 100% anonymous, me included.
So here’s the deal.
- Post a comment below.
For this to work you MUST leave your name and your email and your website address BLANK in the comments form (if you forget, i’ll go in and delete that info manually). all comments are to be anonymous. one of the comments will be from me, you just won’t know which one.
I have no way of personally knowing who posts what. Promise.
In your comment, write two or three sentences (max.) about something about sex that you think is ONLY your problem and that probably no one else has the same problem as you do. For example, i’ll make one up: “I can’t initiate sex when sober but i used to be able to when drinking” … OR … “i worry that i’m the only person who has x problem now that i’m sober.”
Then take a second and post ONE anonymous ‘reply’ to one of the other comments already posted, and say something comforting, consoling, forgiving, kind. In fact, it would simply help if you said “i have this problem, too.”
i have a feeling that this will unfold in a lovely way. because you’re all lovely people. and we all have sex shit that we can’t talk about.
PS. if your name/email automatically shows up when you start to enter a comment, you can manually delete them OR you can ‘log out’ of your blogging profile.
I’ve actually found myself enjoying sex with my husband more now than when I was drinking. I take the time to really feel and enjoy him. It’s nice not worrying about wine breath too. Haha!
Wow! I’m so surprised that so many people are having sex so infrequently. I too have noticed my libido has dropped. And I’m also in a long term marriage that my husband was my drinking partner. Thankfully I decided to stop before my health took a downturn. My issue is (I think) it’s just harder to turn the ‘to-do’ list off and get in the mood sober. I’m only on day 29 so I’m staving off the judging him for continuing to drink, but I can’t help but notice he seems too ‘tired’ to perform. We’re averaging about once a week. Also another comment mentioned they were used to sober sex because they had most sex in the morning….that’s pretty much how we do it too!
Good job everyone, for being proactive in your lives and quitting before you got further behind. (I don’t dare say ‘while you’re ahead, as I’m not sure any of us are in the lead of the pack here) but I think we’re all a bunch of badasses for the most part! Way to go!!!
Being sober makes me realize how much I can’t stand my husband. Then I go back to drinking so we can get along for a few minutes before I black out and then we usually have sex. I was sober for almost 6 months and I don’t think we had sex but maybe once…maybe. It’s so hard not to drink when he’s always drinking! Grrrr! Thanks to everyone who just posted. It’s nice to know I’m not alone in the lack of sex and the desire for it when I’m sober. I’ll start day 2 today of sobriety! Sex is over rated anyway! 😉
My thoughts exactly. I often can’t believe I’ve made it over 250 days without a drink. I have some very negative thoughts about my spouse that drinking used to cloud quite well.
Oh I’m so relieved to finally hearing of others getting sober whilst living with an alcoholic spouse (250 days is amazing well done!). I’ve finally given up on my day 1’s, and am happily on day 11 :-). I really get that point about drinking just to ‘get along with him’, have done it so many times in the past……but never again, I’m not going back there (even if it means a life of celibacy 😉
I can TotallY relate here.. It’s a complete mind fuck. Somehow Wolfe convinces me that a nice night with him, a couple of drinks, no biggs.. That’s a flat out lie.. It’s overrated as is drinking..
I’m relieved that I don’t have to figure out how to hide my alcohol breath anymore. We have been married 27 years and we are building trust again and connecting emotionally and physically, Yes, sex was easier when drunk but now its the real deal. And it’s one more thing I love about being sober.
I also want to thank everyone for their honesty. I thought I was a frigid weirdo or something.
I was on vacation so I missed this but it is a relief to read these comments
I haven’t had sex with my husband since I got sober (150 days), but even worse I haven’t slept w/ him since I had an affair. He doesn’t know. I’ve always had trouble with sex until we married and I suddenly felt truly safe with my husband. I ruined that and I disgust myself so much. It is the reason I went from weekend drinker to daily bottle of wine to drown my disgust. I’m sober but I can’t stop hating myself
We’ve all fucked up somehow, that’s why we are here. Try to go easy on yourself – you’re making amends now by stopping drinking x
Wow – GREAT topic! Lots of great and interesting reposes. Makes me feel so much normal about my lack of sex and sex drive.
Its complicated. I’ve been with my husband 15 years. The sex has progressively got less frequent over the years (because of time, communication issues in our marriage, in recent years its been painful because i have vulvadynia, my drinking, his drinking – it all just all adds up). and I got sober and i’m holding my life together – so do I really have to “fix” our relationship and our sex life too? why do i have to take responsibility for everything?
and there’s a huge amount of guilt and shame and expectations tied up in it.
i am so grateful for this post and people’s honest reponses. i am averaging sex once every 3-6 months – so, I am relieved I am not the only one.
and good to hear stories from people who are happy and with an active sex life. gives me some hope.
I’m also rather expected to be the “fixer” here. We were supposed to get sober and healthy together. I got sober (250+ days), lost the 20 pounds of booze and TV binge weight I put on and am actively participating in my life and family life again.
He’s drinking more, put on more weight, doesn’t attend to his physical appearance at all, but somehow I’m still the crazy, frigid, bitchy, whathaveyou one because we aren’t having sex. Also I have to deal with the nasty accusations that I must be having sex with other people.
He’s the only person I’ve met who can do so little to “fix” anything and still expect to get laid.
Sober sex has never been a difficulty for me. But it’s always been with another sober person. Getting sober with a drinking spouse is challenging, to say the least.
Sounds tough. Keep your head above water. Huge hugs.
I’ve only had sex twice in 42 days with my gorgeous Husband. I adore him but I can’t initiate it as alcohol was my confidence. I overthink it and end up feeling like an idiot.
I think my husband never took a huge stance against my drunkeness, because when I was drunk I became a blow-job giving machine.
That.
I HEAR YA! I’m a lot less interested in that now I’m sober.
Just breaking sober here…..no complaints for sober sex – definitely better being more present.
But had to (kind of) laugh, because, ditto, my husband never complains about the blow job giving machine I become when I’m drunk….
having said that, I know in my heart he would rather have me sober and present
Hahaha, this is the best thing ever. I had no idea that so many of us became blow job-giving machines!! Add me to the list. (But yes, in all seriousness, sober and present is probably better for a serious relationship..)
Sober sex is so much better. I’m sober two years now and feel that sex is more intimate, more real, I’m more aware of my feelings and my body. I’m married over 30 years and since sober I think we’re having the best sex since we first married. Drunk sex was easy, meaningless, and somehow fake. Sometimes I’d blackout and not even remember having sex, how pathetic. When we numb our minds we numb our bodies so thinking you need to drink to enjoy sex is just a lie. So I need to read a romance novel every now and then to get in the mood, so what. A book’s not a toxic, mind altering substance. Being sober has made me feel more alive, life is good. A good life takes work. Sex is part of life, try working for it.
this is a great topic, just found it now. I feel similar to a lot of people here, the sober sex is hard for me to get into, I just keep thinking about other things. I am madly in love with my fiance, but I just never feel like having sex! I am not against it, and when we do, it’s definitely more intimate and connected once we’ve “got going” but seriously at the beginning I can HEAR my thoughts in my head thinking about my to-do list, wondering how he seems so into it, freaking the fuck out because I am supposed to be thoroughly enjoying myself and instead I feel uncomfortable with how alert I am. Sometimes I want to be like “ahh stop don’t touch me I hate this” but I would never hurt him like that plus I love him and I am attracted to him so it doesn’t make sense!!
Another thing, many people mentioned that since getting sober they can’t stand their partner. I am really sorry to hear that. This has not happened to me. I feel like if that did happen to me, I would have to leave. I hope you find happiness in whatever you choose ox
Well I just had to get on here and say that I wouldn’t really know because I dumped my man at about 6 weeks sober, and that was over a year ago. But before that we were fine in the sex department. I was often too pissed at night time or else he would flake out trying to keep up with my drinking, so our intimate moments were often left until the mornings anyway, especially on weekends when we could stay in bed longer. So we were sort of used to sober sex……in daylight even…..sometimes slightly hungover sober sex. I guess I didn’t give it long enough to really find out what changes there may have been with our intimacy over time. But once I got sober I just strongly felt I needed to be alone to really do this well. Sober and sexless for now!
Sex is better for me now I’m sober. I have more orgasims and am more connected to my own body and my husbands.
This is my experience as well. Things are better sexually now that I’m sober.
I don’t have a partner but know that it is one thing I do want. I have had 21 years of brining up my daughter on my own and know that I don’t want to be on my own for the rest of my days. I just feel so old and unattractive at the moment
Wow, I know I missed this a few months ago but I see I am not alone. I have worried about the fact that I can’t seem to have uninhibited sex while sober. This is the biggest problem my husband has with me being sober. I realize the sex that we had was animalistic and very lacking in intimacy. Now I feel like I have to work on a different way.
Wow, this is really depressing. For myself I’ll say my sex drive is better now that I’m not drinking. In a way I’m having more fun with it. I’m more focused.
Sex has never been my favorite part of any relationship I’ve had, even my 20 year with my husband. I’d rather get drunk, then end up screwing. Honestly 2 of my 3 kids were conceived this way. Sometimes I get pissy because adjusting this behavior seems like another thing I have to try and “fix”. So far sober sex has happened a bit and is ok but I constantly have to remind myself to relax and stop thinking About how I don’t want to be there. Not wanting to “be there” and experience feelings is a big reason why I drank. I’m just going thru the motions now hopeful for more connection down the road.
When we both were drinking, YES, lots of uninhibited “animalistic” sex! With the beer/wine/vodka goggles off (and inhibitions in check), much less sex. Much. Less. And, as a male, I find that I don’t “last” as long as I used to when I was really buzzed. Ugh…..
going on 2 years sober. here is the issue, she still drinks and my libido went south. been awhile because she drinks everynight and usually passes out…result:no sex for weeks on end. dont like kissing Vodka breath either……..anyone???
Vodka breath…yeah, now that I’m sober, I realize just how much my drinking spouse stinks. Not just breath-wise, it’s like it’s leaking out of his pores. I have to air out the bedroom sometimes in the morning, it’s that bad.
Oh yeah, beer and wine stink is just a turn-off. He’s drunk at night so nothing happening there thankfully. He stinks of stale wine in the morning which turns me off. Sober sex is just not happening.
i have to say that sex when drinking was more animalistic, which, there’s nothing wrong with that, but sex when not drinking, though more infrequent, is more intimate. I’m more conscious of the act, the emotions and the effort. I actually give a sh*t.
I’ve been married over 30 years – over 10 of those in sobriety. Early on in marriage we found that our sexdrives were not compatible. We have a great marriage but esp since I got sober I’ve not wanted to “force” the issue with my spouse. Now we barely every have sex. I therefore often seek sexual excitement via porn or erotic literature and that makes me feel grubby and guilty
My marriage has been without sex for many years. I used to think I was drinking to cope with the loneliness of the situation. But, of course, drinking was not helping. Sobriety has improved many things, but so far, not this.
I think it is the clarity of mind I have NOW that allows me to see that the sex I was having THEN was not a real intimate experience…just a different kind of escape; like the drinking was back then.
Exactly. The things I allowed my husband do to me because he thought it would be “fun” were actually just abusive. He even shaved off my pubic hair while I was passed out once (he’d asked me many times to shave bald there and I refused so he just took it upon himself) and got mad at me for getting mad at him when I woke up when he was almost done. “Oh for crysakes, it’ll grow back.”
Ugh.
I have been married for about 20 years and my husband decided maybe 18 years ago that he did not like kissing. So we don’t. And it makes me sad.
I love kissing and imagine you do too. We rarely kiss and I feel like a prostitute having sex, not making love.
Kissing feels too intimate for me now with my partner. I can just go through the motions of having sex but I can’t hide my distaste when kissing.
I don’t kiss my husband of 18 years either. He’s really bad at it, if you can imagine. It’s like having my whole face swallowed by slobber. He knows this, and doesn’t care to change his approach. I hate it when he “insists” on “kiss me” because he gets angry when I won’t.
I have been married for a little longer than that and my husband won’t kiss anymore either. Hurts my heart.
I have brought home men for sex when I was drunk that I would never, ever, ever have given the time of day if I was sober. I think I needed companionship and to not be alone and the only way I knew how to do that was by getting wasted and picking up a man at the bar. Makes me very sad for me.
This could be my story, countless taxi driver also ended up in my house, as hard as it is I feel I must now turn the page and move forwards because shame and regrets are not good sobriety tools in my box.
Wow. Taxi Drivers? Geesh, these Taxi Drivers must have been complete jerks! What of man takes advantage of his drunk passenger? It like date-rape without the date.
Me too. Now I’d like to find a partner (long or short term) but without the ole beer goggles I just don’t fancy many people anymore.
Me too. Around 100 strangers have been inside me while I was barely even inside myself. I was so desperate to be liked/not to be alone. Be proud that you got through it though – a real testament to your inner strength & determination xx
I really like how you put that realisation ‘while I was barely inside myself’, great insight, sounds like you can be proud of you too! xx
My spouse is still drinking and now that I am not….things don’t “work” like they used to and now that I’m sober I notice this a lot more often and it’s quite frustrating!
I can relate to things not working like they used to, both physically and emotionally. I wonder what role alcohol played in altering what was once really great chemistry.
I can totally relate!!!
I was always ready for sex when I drank, actually almost anyone could have sex with me provided they gave me a drink or two and now that I’m sober I just don’t feel like having sex anymore…sad…especially since I’m in a long term relationship…how long can this go on?
I think this is pretty normal. At least, it sounds like me.
As getting comfy with being sober at a party where everyone else is drinking, sober sex takes a little ahum … work, or it did/does for me. As with sobriety, one sex session at a time, trusting it will get better and be good. I have to “think” myself into desire, there is no 2 quick drinks to horny here!
that sounds like me, I need to think myself into desire now too…
I’m afraid for me this has only got worse in sobriety not better for me.
I’m having this same problem. I used to have sex all the time, and I loved it. It was part of my identity. I didn’t feel shame – i really liked being able to hook up with different people. Now it’s just… gone. I think that I would actively pursue sex because that also meant, usually, continuing drinking and having that sanctioned by a partner-in-crime… Now things feel very vanilla, very safe, which to some might sound good, but it’s left me wondering about who I am…
I haven’t had sex with my husband since I stopped drinking 8 months ago. The wine goggles were off and boy, I did not like what I saw in him as a person, emotionally, physically, any-which-way. He’s pissed. But he was pissed when I stopped drinking. I think he anticipated me seeing things clearly and not liking them.
That’s sad I hope things improve for you!
I’m also not happy with what I see. Sex was way more frequent when I drank and I was way more happier with him. We’ve been on a 2 year dry spell. And we’re engaged to be married in April. Sigh. No. Interest.