Audio: Control

gabbygirl sent me a question, and in this podcast I try to answer it … this is episode #81 for my weekly sober podcast thingy.

is there a relationship between drinking and control issues (and anxiety). What are the things you can control, and the things that you can’t?

Below I’ve posted a 2 minute extract from the beginning of the audio. The entire full-length thing is 17+ minutes.

Please leave a comment after you listen to the extract and I’ll pick one comment to be my sober rockstar favourite comment of the day 🙂

You can listen to the extract here:

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I want to put this online, to hold myself accountable. I want to document the noise in my head. I'm tired of thinking about drinking. date of last drink: june 30, 2012

  • I think the easiest thing for me when thinking about sobriety is that I feel in control by NOT drinking. I am on day 5. Weekend is gonna be hard, but I’m committed. No matter how bored I get, I’m not going to drink.

  • Wow, this was very insightful for me, Belle. Yes, for me, alcohol relaxed me, decreased my anxiety — immediately! And that’s the big reason I turned to it. After all, when I looked at that glass of wine, I knew that in just a matter of minutes, I would feel different, better, calmer. The stuff I was wound up about wouldn’t even matter. Who wouldn’t want that? But oh, you are so spot on…that’s not where the story ended. It was indeed a blunt instrument! And maladaptive! It caused way more anxieties than it calmed. It left a wake emotional destruction that was way worse than any feeling it might have initially anesthetized. Thanks for that brilliant insight.

  • Ironically, twisted as it may sound, in the past few years when everything swirling around me was OUT of control, drinking was the one thing I COULD take action on – but in a negative way. Like you, Belle, I’ve always been the ‘people pleaser’, and was doing everything to take care of everyone – except for myself.

    My parents got old and needed care; then my mom died. Then my beloved dad had to go into a nursing home and for almost four years there was barely a day that went by that I didn’t visit him. My other siblings never stepped up. Don’t get me wrong, those were the best of best of times with him – but it was sad because it was never going to have a good ending. He died last May. At the same time I was caring for my dad, my sister was very ill last year, in the hospital for six months – and we were summoned to the hospital numerous times for ‘last visits’. Then trying to get my daughter started in her own life with as much as I could give her. Oh yea, recovering financially from two year long periods of unemployment. Yep, life was giving me some real lemons for awhile and I was pissed.

    I was so angry at the world, and life, I was like fuck you all, life, world and universe – so I decidedly and intentionally drank because I could, goddamnit – and that was within my control, and since I couldn’t beat the world or the universe up, I could beat myself up. Just because.

    The temporary moment of taking charge, expertly uncorking the bottle, and listening to the glug, glug, glug of the wine filling the glass felt great. But then, fast forward to the next day – my insane out-of-control life started once again, and I ended up right where I started.

    I am grateful that I seem to have come across a precious lull from life’s craziness, where I can use those same tendencies for control in a positive way for once. Day 25; so far so good.

  • Interesting thoughts about control. I always subscribed to the idea that drinking relaxed me and let me relinquish control for a while but, in truth, the minute I took that first sip the control issues would start. I’m just having this glass! Well, maybe just one more glass. I really should slow down. You don’t have a problem – and you deserve this! Basically, any drinking session, even a restrained one, was an all-out battle for control between me and wolfie. (And you know who usually won.)

    When I stopped drinking (day 30 today, yay!), it really surprised me how calm and content I feel now that I’ve removed the thing I thought relaxed me.