Audio: Blowing a Fuse

4 January 2015

so yesterday i had a super crappy day, too long, not enough accomplished, frustrating. and i went to bed at 6:45 pm and … well, I recorded podcast #80 for my weekly sober podcast thingy from under the covers.

I talk about frustration, safety valves, being too hard on ourselves, and am i the only person who hates carrying an umbrella?

Below I’ve posted a 5 minute extract from the beginning of the audio.

Where this audio begins, I’ve just walked for hours to find a clothing store, and it turns out to be the wrong store. And things get worse (rapidly) from there …

Please leave a comment after you listen to the extract and I’ll pick one comment to be my sober rockstar favourite comment of the day 🙂

Click the blue button to listen:

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if alcohol is an elevator that only goes down, it’s time to step off. exit. you may need a visual reminder.




I want to put this online, to hold myself accountable. I want to document the noise in my head. I'm tired of thinking about drinking. date of last drink: june 30, 2012

  • Belle, tradgic as the story was , u have a way of telling a story that makes me lol 😂, no disrespect to the poor souls u described! You also get the message across loud and clear!! Booze stinks!!!! 💩💩

  • When I quit drinking in the 70’s it was because I had a moment of clarification such as the one you experienced in the train station. Fast forward 25 years and now I attribute my alcohol abuse to youthfulness and decide I’m now a grown up and I can drink “responsibly”, but in fact booze IS an elevator that only goes down and for me the slide was gradual but then it began to pick up speed. I do not want to find out where it could end up. Yes, there will be crappy days, but adding alcohol Only makes it worse and leads to regret. Thanks for the reminders.

  • Oh, these days are the worst!! And the problem is, once you get into that “everything sucks” and “all is wrong” mindset it’s like having blinders on; you can only see more bad shit ahead. My brain gets this way (and I coincidentally have these “everyone and everything sucks” days) about 2-3 times a month, and especially in early sobriety.
    I read something last night that made reference to the fact that there is NO circumstance that demands a drink – no matter if you’ve experienced loss or are sick or are facing some enormous challenge, you can remain sober.
    It kind of pissed me off, because I have that bargaining voice that says, “Stay sober … unless you’re like, over 70, because then it will be OK” or “It would be alright to drink if something really catastrophic happens, right?”
    That’s just crazy.
    It’s like I am giving myself permission to self-destruct when an outside force seems unfair or traumatic.
    Why would my first instinct be, “I should have a drink” instead of, “I should get some support, or spend more time with loved ones, or pursue something HELPFUL or positive…”
    I’ve known people who remained sober through horrific situations, such as the loss of a child. There is no circumstance that is made better by a drink. I need this tattoo.

  • “Booze is an elevator that only goes down…” This is going in my journal today. Thank you, Belle, for authenticity and “under the covers” truth.

  • Bad day – bummer. Seeing someone with a totally bad drunken life – priceless! Well, as a reminder of why you/I quit drinking and why you are & I am staying sober. Thanks

    • Wow, I’m chuckling over here, because here I am replying to my own comment from nearly 3 years ago. The timing of this audio clip couldn’t have been more perfect. I’ve had a shitty day – really the things I did were very positive, but the feelings they elicited have put me in a crappy state of mind. I’m feeling like divorcing my husband. I’ve never said that out loud or put it in print. So to hear you reference the idea of divorce and then drinking, and the non-reality of either, made me realize that it’s a day, these are feelings, and they will pass. Yeah, maybe there are issues to work out. but tonight it’s better to just go to bed than try to work through something with him. So I’m in the guest bedroom with the dog. His snoring and the need for a different mattress set the stage for this – but it feels good on the emotional scale of “wait till another time before trying to take action.”
      And as for getting older and drinking – the answer is still NO. Last night I was playing poker with my girlfriends. We are all in our 50s but two 70s women were with us. One was celebrating her birthday and she drank too much (as did one of the 50s) it’s so annoying to me now. BUT it is also good to see it unfolding and realize I don’t want that to be me or my choices. And if my annoyance gets too high I may decide to no longer play cards with these women – though I would miss the fun of the game.

      Thanks for the re-post, the irony of the timing, the enduring need for reminders of why I don’t drink, and how I can take care of myself by going to bed!

  • Yep somedays are crap and you should have just stayed in bed! I think you had to witness the drunkenness to know that it could be worse. If you drank to ‘feel better’ from your crap day you would have another crap day the next. Best to go to bed like you did, sober and ready for tomorrow. 🙂

  • Another great audio to which I can totally relate. I mean, who hasn’t had a bad day? I keep hearing you talk about being offline, something I also struggle with (but can’t imagine cutting down on). As someone stated in a comment above, I’ve contemplated ending my subscription (because I feel like I don’t deserve it, sound familiar?), but I would miss it too much at this point. I so look forward to receiving these in my inbox. Thank you!

  • You see I’d been having a night away from my husband (end of holiday time, time to leave) and I popped your audio on when navigating the motorway. I’d had a lovely catch up. It had been a good day, wasn’t particularly looking forward to the long drive (often a trigger for me I’m learning) and there you were under the duvet where was really the only place you could be. I really hope that for you this is your shitty day this month/season/year.

    As I drove home I took two stops I just thought, shit if sometimes go to bed is the only thing on a bad day, even on a good day take self care seriously.

    Hugest of hugs to you. I’m glad he got food. Whatever kind it was.

    Bed. Totally rocks.

    As of course do you lighthouse lady.

  • Oh, Belle! What a day!! I can very much relate to you heading to your bed at 6:45….some days are so shitty, you just have to call it and climb in bed before one more thing goes wrong and try again tomorrow. I am having a good day today, so I am breaking off a piece of my little pink cloud and sending it to you across the Atlantic…should be there by morning 🙂 Cheers (with coffee) to a better Monday!

  • OMG. I am seeing the bathroom emergency!!!! Uggghhhh! Unsee! (You sure you weren’t in the subway here?!?).
    The bottom line– it’s sucks to have a crappy day. But it’s better to have a sober crappy day than a crappy day magnified and compounded a trillion percent by drinking “to