I have uninstalled the computer games. I have put pieces of paper over the clocks (including the one in the bottom right hand side of my computer screen). I’m a compulsive clock checker. This is why I don’t wear a watch except for running.
My brain wants to know the time, all the time. Because it’s trying to calculate if I have enough time to do something.
Is it 11:15 am? Don’t bother starting an audio now, husband will be home for lunch soon. Is it 4:30 pm? Catering due to be delivered at 7 pm so I have more time to sit around before I begin to pack up.
(Is it the right time to be sober? You have an event tomorrow so you want to wait until after. It’s christmas time so you want to wait. Yes, you feel terrible and want to be sober but you can’t start until you have 14 complete days of perfection, then you can be sober, not now.)
And when I remove the computer game and I remove the clock-checking, I find this: An Empty Space.
I’ve been running away from an empty space.
I’ve been boozing and running (literally) and stressing and worrying and detesting being bored MY WHOLE LIFE because of what?
Because of an empty space.
Cuz in this space, I get to create my life. My cool sober life. The one where stressing and worrying and angsting and fretting and feeling embarrassed have been just about completely removed.
There’s this cool empty space here. (It looks a lot like my living room.) I get to put in whatever I want.
Have I really been running from this? Running from the opportunity, the possibilities, of constructing a life I LOVE?