making decisions, movement

I feel better.

whenever this happens, when I wake up feeling significantly better than I have been for days (weeks?) i try to analyze exactly what’s happened – so that i can recreate it 🙂 I’m a fine-tuner like that.

Inventory of things that maybe contribute to feeling better:

  1. SLEEP: I slept entirely through the night last night, 8.5 hrs of uninterrupted sleep. that’s a gift in itself. i took different medication last night than i normally do. so maybe that helped.
  2. RUN: i woke up still groggy and went right out for my run, no computer first.
  3. GOOD BREAKFAST: i stopped and bought cottage cheese and an apple for breakfast. I came home and helped my husband (unsuccessfully) for 50 minutes as he tried to buy U2 concert tickets.
  4. CLEAN: I cleaned the entire house top to bottom, which I never do. i started off in a snit because Mr. B. has been lazy about the housecleaning. it’s his job. i want a cleaning lady. he says he’ll do it himself. but then doesn’t do it often enough to suit my irritation levels. but i never clean the house anymore, i just snit about it. it’s maybe been (gasp) 8 years since i’ve done the floors with a mop. today i did mirrors and mops and mr. clean and vacuuming and emptied garbages.
  5. BANKING / PAPERWORK: i sat at my desk and did banking paperwork (who does that?). i answered some emails. I had a coaching call.
  6. NICE LUNCH: I had a hard boiled egg for lunch. with pickles and cheese and cucumbers and tomatoes.

(Is it the lack of carbs I think? is it the clean house? is it the big sleep? was it the run?)

let me compare this kind of fine-tuning to my previous life, my drinking life. Wake up early feeling terrible. Play video games online while I drink coffee. Make myself go for a run even though i hate myself and i hate running and i feel queasy and it’s snowing. Come home and look at the state of the home and decide that I ‘JUST CAN’T FACE IT’ …

how many times did i say or feel or think “i can’t face this now” when i was drinking? was it literally every day? Yes.

7. COUCH: we bought a couch on Saturday. it’s being made and will take 3 months to arrive. we spent the entire afternoon walking through stores and i kept repeating out loud “I hate everything.” and i did. until the last store. i said goodbye to Mr. B (we were going home separately) and then i saw one more store we hadn’t checked. there’s the couch. maybe buying a couch unlocked things?

8. DRIVING / BRAVERY: then i drove home from the shopping centre (very brave of me, in the dark, on the highway, in the little electric rental car). maybe the bravery and success unlocked things.

9. HOME SHOPPING: maybe picking out lamps and other stuff for the living room from online vendors has helped. once we had the couch, it now seems easier to pick the other stuff. for example, i suddenly feel certain that i want these wall lamps.

wall lamp 51ECqBJfHxL

i can now picture the living room with stuff in it! the time away in London staying in a furnished apartment seems to have reset my desire to have a normal home again. so now the swirling thinking has been removed and we’re making decisions.

maybe that’s why i feel better.

10. ACTION: i’m done with ‘thinking about buying furniture” and now we’re actually buying it. all the thinking about doing it in advance is so ridiculous. anxiety provoking. nonsense. there is no right couch (we’re getting this one, not in faux suede, not in mustard – it’ll be navy blue/dark greyish cloth). i like that it doesn’t have movable cushions. they’re always out of place, and droopy and wrinkly…

couch image

i think i’m building my new sober life from the outside-in. and then from the inside-out. clean house, banking, furniture. regular puttering things. I don’t feel wacky stressed today. Also because apprentice Rebecca is a rock star, she’s really helping me a lot and maybe that’s why i feel better (this is definitely #11 on the list!).

well. i think the key for me is movement. circular thinking about what if, when, and how is exhausting. i’m reminded of my philosophy about making decisions WHILE in movement. i wrote about it here before. that’s all i have to say. i feel freaking great. check with me tomorrow. i may be heinous again.


I want to put this online, to hold myself accountable. I want to document the noise in my head. I'm tired of thinking about drinking. date of last drink: june 30, 2012

  • Oh! I LOVE a day that where everything clicks!
    Although I don’t have as many of those days as I want, I am looking for just parts of the day that feel effortless!
    Happy Running!

  • This is exactly what I needed to read today. Sometimes it’s so easy for me to let everything else go and assume that because I’m not drinking it’s good enough, but that just leads to feeling empty and eventually wanting to drink. Keeping busy and taking care of yourself is so important, even if it seems like a huge effort at the time. Thanks!

  • Maybe it’s because you are looking after you 🙂
    Belle doing stuff for Belle.
    And lots of tangible action stuff, good for your soul, mind and body.
    Sending smiles and hugs xx

  • Belle- what is it about these boring little things that makes us feel all ironed out and balanced once more? Like someone making you the perfect cup of tea (which you wrote about somewhere) these little things just seem to calm that neurotic angry cage fighter boozer brain. I need to get my ducks in a row like this. My ducks are flying crazy out of formation & I had forgotten how much I need these little things tended to, to feel right. Thank you for your post, the couch is quite gorgeous I must say.

  • What helps me in making decisions is forget the pre-sober life. I cherish the sober me by thinking that I am born on the 28th of October 2014, that was my last (so far) day 1. When old patterns of thinking pop up and argue with the new ones, I tell myself that I am born on the 28th of October and what does the REAL me wants? And then it is easy to decide. Is it a trick to get Wolfie away as well, most of the time. Wolfie belongs to the dark holes of pre-sobriety. It makes the new life quite adventurous, which is a kind of sweet trick as well, because adventures and change make me move :-).

  • Cool lamp and cool couch, Belle. I am taking a break from cleaning ( I know. I am kind of ” like ” … what da ? + a woot ! ) … to catch up on your happenings … the cleaning is helping me.
    And yes, I make a big production of er, doing just ’bout anything and prior to ( well ) – DOING IT!
    So much easier … to just begin.
    I do not know what day I am on … but I know what you mean about ” those days ” ( back when I was drinking ).
    I do not ever want to go back to loathing myself that intensely. Alas. Dishes beckon. And I am facing everything in a sober state of mind. Glad I logged in. Loved reading this post, Belle.

  • “i took different medication last night than i normally do. so maybe that helped.” I was surprised by this statement in a sober blog ….

    This leaves much unanswered … do you take medication every night to sleep? Does it leave you groggy? Is groggy another word for medication hangover? Is it prescribed by a physician for a condition that requires it? Is it a Wolf in a different costume?

    • dear annie, if you’ve read my blog for awhile — which i know you have — then you know i have a heart thing (arrhythmia) that i take medication for. i also take hormones for crappy cycle issues. really. the last 2 nights i took my hormones and slept much better than i have been. i was groggy because it was 8 a.m. and i’m not a morning person. which i also write about all the time. holy cow this is so attacky- first thing in the morning 🙂

  • I never believed people when they said it makes a huge difference to feel totally moved in with furniture you like and setting up a nice schedule for yourself. I’ve just moved into a new apartment, and I like the way the place looks and feels! For the first time! It’s got style, and a certain calm atmosphere that is crucial to me in this anxious beginning of sobriety. I never “allowed” myself this good feeling in the past, and it feels really nice right now. So I feel you on the simple pleasures of certain homey comforts. Hope you keep feeling good!