making decisions, movement

I feel better.

whenever this happens, when I wake up feeling significantly better than I have been for days (weeks?) i try to analyze exactly what’s happened – so that i can recreate it 🙂 I’m a fine-tuner like that.

Inventory of things that maybe contribute to feeling better:

1. SLEEP: I slept entirely through the night last night, 8.5 hrs of uninterrupted sleep. that’s a gift in itself. i took different medication last night than i normally do. so maybe that helped.
2. RUN: i woke up still groggy and went right out for my run, no computer first.
3. GOOD BREAKFAST: i stopped and bought cottage cheese and an apple for breakfast. I came home and helped my husband (unsuccessfully) for 50 minutes as he tried to buy U2 concert tickets.
4. CLEAN: I cleaned the entire house top to bottom, which I never do. i started off in a snit because Mr. B. has been lazy about the housecleaning. it’s his job. i want a cleaning lady. he says he’ll do it himself. but then doesn’t do it often enough to suit my irritation levels. but i never clean the house anymore, i just snit about it. it’s maybe been (gasp) 8 years since i’ve done the floors with a mop. today i did mirrors and mops and mr. clean and vacuuming and emptied garbages.
5. BANKING / PAPERWORK: i sat at my desk and did banking paperwork (who does that?). i answered some emails. I had a coaching call.
6. NICE LUNCH: I had a hard boiled egg for lunch. with pickles and cheese and cucumbers and tomatoes.

(Is it the lack of carbs I think? is it the clean house? is it the big sleep? was it the run?)

let me compare this kind of fine-tuning to my previous life, my drinking life. Wake up early feeling terrible. Play video games online while I drink coffee. Make myself go for a run even though i hate myself and i hate running and i feel queasy and it’s snowing. Come home and look at the state of the home and decide that I ‘JUST CAN’T FACE IT’ …

how many times did i say or feel or think “i can’t face this now” when i was drinking? was it literally every day? Yes.

7. COUCH: we bought a couch on Saturday. it’s being made and will take 3 months to arrive. we spent the entire afternoon walking through stores and i kept repeating out loud “I hate everything.” and i did. until the last store. i said goodbye to Mr. B (we were going home separately) and then i saw one more store we hadn’t checked. there’s the couch. maybe buying a couch unlocked things?

8. DRIVING / BRAVERY: then i drove home from the shopping centre (very brave of me, in the dark, on the highway, in the little electric rental car). maybe the bravery and success unlocked things.

9. HOME SHOPPING: maybe picking out lamps and other stuff for the living room from online vendors has helped. once we had the couch, it now seems easier to pick the other stuff. for example, i suddenly feel certain that i want these wall lamps.

i can now picture the living room with stuff in it! the time away in London staying in a furnished apartment seems to have reset my desire to have a normal home again. so now the swirling thinking has been removed and we’re making decisions.

maybe that’s why i feel better.

10. ACTION: i’m done with ‘thinking about buying furniture” and now we’re actually buying it. all the thinking about doing it in advance is so ridiculous. anxiety provoking. nonsense. there is no right couch (we’re getting this one, not in faux suede, not in mustard – it’ll be navy blue/dark greyish cloth). i like that it doesn’t have movable cushions. they’re always out of place, and droopy and wrinkly…

i think i’m building my new sober life from the outside-in. and then from the inside-out. clean house, banking, furniture. regular puttering things. I don’t feel wacky stressed today. Also because apprentice Rebecca is a rock star, she’s really helping me a lot and maybe that’s why i feel better (this is definitely #11 on the list!).

well. i think the key for me is movement. circular thinking about what if, when, and how is exhausting. i’m reminded of my philosophy about making decisions WHILE in movement. i wrote about it here before. that’s all i have to say. i feel freaking great. check with me tomorrow. i may be heinous again.