from my inbox:
rlynn: “Today I feel like Carl from the tv show ‘Idiot Abroad’. He is always being forced to do things that other people put on their bucket list but he is just content to be comfortable and uninterested.
I woke up like this. My dog is asleep on my lap and I thought I don’t want to outlive her. I don’t want to be alone and I am too old for love … I’ll be nearly 42 when I get to day 100. Last year the love of my life died on his birthday … The other dysfunctional love of my life is a drug addict. It’s been exactly 3 years since my heart starting really breaking, and since I have really felt alone.
I tried to cheer myself up with a list of things I love: Yoga mats. Dog. Dancing. Swimming. Snow cones. Nature. Good hair cuts. The smell of coconut. And patchouli. Bubble baths. Ayurvedic spas. Hammocks. Watching sea life. Philosophy. Silence.
Wow, that’s a small list I thought. Even smaller is my bucket list. I don’t want to jump out of an airplane, or walk the Great Wall of China, or travel at all. It would be nice to be ok and content. That’s all.
Well – another sober day. You can’t have black without white. And so it goes. Feeling a little sad but it will pass.”
me: I love the idiot abroad show, it’s quite funny that you say you feel like him 🙂 it’s a bit normal to have some sad bits especially in early sobriety. It’s like you’re figuring stuff out. You’re still grieving for the death last year. Maybe you’re really grieving now for the first time (drunk grieving isn’t really grieving, it’s just ‘temporarily forgetting’).
so yeah, some bits are hard, and then other bits – dogs and baths and coffee – are good. you have things in your life that make you feel good. you don’t need a big bucket list. not yet. that’ll come. for now it’s about soothing, and taking care of you. clean sheets, bath, tea, candle. good tv show. comfort. love, me
Rlynn: “Ah – I didn’t think of it that way. Drunk grieving that is. Makes perfect sense! Thanks for putting that into perspective. I stubbed my toe last night and it was crazy water works … Not ‘stub your toe water works’ but I just lost a friend crying.”