living out of boxes for 3 weeks is getting a bit tiring. i’m here at my cluttered glass desk, facing the very true-white apple screen, in my pjs and it’s 4 pm. i wear the same few outfits because my clothes aren’t unpacked. Today i finally bought a vacuum; it’s a good thing the floors are dark wood, can’t see the dust. i need a bedside lamp before anything else because getting up to turn off the light sucks ass.
good news: yesterday was a spectacular summer day and we were able to walk for 3 hrs, me wearing a tank top and sandals.
today it’s grey.
good news: i slept till 10 am this morning.
my husband’s work situation has changed and we’ve fired his manager and are managing his work ourselves again. he’s also left his separate office and is working from home again since we now have the room. and when I saw we have the room, i mean that this new apartment, in a weird twist of loveliness, has a separate small studio on the 7th floor of this same building – up the service stairs, no elevator. the entire 7th floor is made up of these tiny rooms, one room for each apartment in the building. Built in 1910, the rooms upstairs were for servants, one room per apartment. Now it’s the new room for my husband to work from – upstairs – still leaving at the same time each morning – and too far away for him to just run downstairs for a second (walking up those stairs any more than necessary is painful). He’s installed with a kettle, a box of tea, and no internet connection.
(oh he just came down to tell me that he’s going out tonight and I said “i’m not expecting you now, i’m working.” and he filled up his kettle with water and went back upstairs – no drinking water upstairs either).
let me say that none of this is possible if i’m not sober.
what is the other version of my life, the drinking version?
wake up twice through the night, hot and anxious, planning to never drink again. finally get up exhausted at 7 am, knowing already that the day is going to suck.
we wouldn’t live in this new apartment if i was drinking. this space needs too much work, decisions, furniture, stuff to be put up, moved, planned. as a drinking girl, i was more interested in booze than anything else. i took the easy way out all the time. more expensive but easy? do that.
i wanted all events over as quickly as possible so that i could have more time to drink.
decide which vacuum to buy? nope. just buy one and keep going.
research contacts in London for my husband’s job? nope. tell him in a fit of anger that his job is up to him and walk away in a huff (nice teamwork, oui?).
run 4 days a week, however slowly? nope. i’d plan to start tomorrow.
eat the leftovers in the fridge? nope. who can be bothered to see into the back of the fridge. order pizza. roast potatoes and call it a meal.
have a ‘meh’ grey day and realize that some days are just grey? nope. id feel like it represented impending doom, i must be dying of something, i must be suffering from something.
now i know some days are grey mondays.
tomorrow i will run, have cake, and interview an alcohol specialist about treatment stuff. tomorrow will rock.
Congrats on the new space! Sounds lovely!
Living is so much better than waiting to die.
I love your current day, even if it is grey and your husband interrupts you.
The old days were just too sad.
I love this because? I haven’t thought about how often, as in every minute of every day, I was taking the easy way out. I’m so glad I’m not doing that to my family, or more importantly, to myself, anymore. And my journey has just begun! Thanks for sharing your thoughts.
I’ve been unwell the past few days and in a twisted way I’ve been a bit chuffed cause I know its just a cold. I could never tell before which layer of ill I could blame.
Belle, you must get a bedside light or at least a candle, it truly does suck to get up and turn out the light
Could not agree more! I feel euphoric many days, I guess it’s the flip side of feeling so low for so long. People who don’t know that I have stopped drinking have asked me if I lost weight, got new moisturizer….which feels great, but then makes me a little sad that I let myself “go” by drinking too much, even though I would try to compensate by over exercising ands restricting my diet…. no one from the outside knew my “private shame”. just being rid of the shame took 10 years off my face!
(enjoyed your post right before a nice 3 mile run on my healing knee)
So encouraging, all that reflecting on what you CAN do through sobriety. Thank you for reminding me………
I love when you write about the “drinking version” of your day. I do that from time to time to remind myself how much better life is sober. Day 86 !!
I totally relate – today my boyfriend and I bought a house together!! It would not have happened had I not quit drinking. You always said amazing things happen when you start on the sober journey; so true 🙂
Belle, I just love your posts – you give me a glimpse into the future: the rock-steady, day- to- day lovely sober life. Do you even count your days sober any more? If you lived in the States we’d be great friends…..
The new apartment sounds lovely. Funny how I just emailed Rebecca and my thoughts were very similar to yours today. And yes tomorrow will rock because SOBRIETY ROCKS!!!!!!!
I feel the same way. So much is possible in my life now that I don’t drink. I have this sense of ease because all things are possible with patience, time and intention. I want to paint more, great next weekend I’ll buy some new canvas. I want to exercise more, cool! Let’s walk an extra mile after work, the dog won’t mind. I want to be more present, awesome, spend some more time on my meditation cushion. All of this is because I don’t drink. All this peace. All this expectance of the good things coming. All this energy. I choose this.
Miss M, I love this reply! Possibilities, ease, peace, energy. All of this because we don’t drink. I feel like I’ve been given a second chance at life after all the years of living in the darkness.
I am happy my comment resonates! Sitting here looking at the rain, I’m running late all day, stress in many forms, and still… I’m happy and hopeful! So good to share this sober journey with all you wonderful people:)
I need to print out Miss M’s comment! 🙂
An entire floor of extra rooms; how cool is that?
Hi Belle – Your apartment sounds fantastick! We have two dogs and a cat and often feel defeated by hair, until we bought our Shark vacuum. Don’t know if they are available in europe – but a great vacuum for a reasonable price. I’m rockin’ today! Day 26. Sober!Holly
I just love you, Belle. You always get through to me. I miss emailing. I need to pull myself together. I’ve been trying moderation. You know how that goes.
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