cigarette hair

apologies for cross-posting, this went out as a micro-email on Wednesday and it’s gotten so many responses, i wanted to post it here too.

From my inbox:

From MsJones: “I just feel horrendous. I have been trying to write my way out of this because writing is my thing. This is a poem about what my life is like at the moment. I can’t live like this any more. Please restart me and call this Day 1.

This is grief

This is
stale air of a dawn bus ride
forehead pressed on bathroom tiles
numb feet in cheap boots
burning fever in a house of strangers
This is
rough coffee on an empty stomach
kissing with mouth of tears
house with mould on the walls
heated 3am litany of all your flaws
This is
highway noise in a forty-dollar pub room
silence from the one you love
cigarette hair and mouth a desert
sweat down your back at a midsummer funeral,
but this is worse.
This is worse.”


I want to put this online, to hold myself accountable. I want to document the noise in my head. I'm tired of thinking about drinking. date of last drink: june 30, 2012

  • disagreeing with anon who says you are boring, Belle, I think you are doing much much good in this world for lots of folks. If Anon is bored then Anon should move on to other blogs or perhaps write one of his/her own and see what it’s really like to hold down a space and be interesting and appeal to people on a daily basis. Ignore the naysayers and believe the healed ones. They are many and successful – with your help and friendship.

  • Over the years, I think I’ve experienced pretty much all the gross things MsJones describes in her poem..stuff that I don’t want to and don’t have to relive. None of us have to.

  • I had to repost this the moment I read it. Simply stunning. No other words. Lean into the battle, MsJones. You’re certainly not alone.

  • Sometimes it takes feelings as strong as those to make sure it is your last Day 1.
    That imagery would ring true to nearly each and every one of us.
    Thank you for the stark reminder of why my last Day 1 will hopefully be my last Day 1 forever.
    You can do this Ms Jones.

  • Wow. This is powerful. Thank you for sharing, Belle. And MsJones, you are a talented poet. No more Day 1s. You don’t need this shit in your life anymore.