stop the running away

turns out that having a beach vacation was a good idea. we’ve had such sucky weather here all summer that i really did need a boost of vitamin d. and it also would seem that being 100% unplugged was easier than i thought it would be 🙂 except we didn’t foursquare to help is find places to eat, and ended up having some perfectly dreadful food. but really, i could have done the food research online before going. i didn’t. we survived.

for august, i tried ‘moderating’ my online time. few hours here, few hours later in the day. i found myself clock-watching. is it time yet? what about now? can’t start anything new because it’s nearly online time.

[the parallels with early sobriety are obvious and painful. like really am i the same with everything? apparently. and a slow learner]

before i quit drinking i tried moderating my alcohol. didn’t work. a few drinks here always had me having more later. and i would watch the clock until it was wine o’clock. something about my poor brain, like a dog with a bone, just can’t put it down and move away.

but it turns out it’s not just booze – at least for me. I know this won’t come as a big surprise to you but i spend a lot of time online. i justify a lot of it with “it’s work” or “i just have to do this one thing” but it’s a bit like saying “i can’t quit drinking now because there’s a wedding coming up” [i can’t go offline 100% for 3 days because something bad might happen and i’d miss it].

turns out it’s all bullshit. all these rules we have in our heads that keep us stuck. that I have in my head. i’ll just speak for me.

i have rules about cooking with garlic before 9 am, i make rules for myself about getting enough sleep and then i break them. i plan to do this and that and instead i sit and stare at some stupid online video game.

distraction much?

[of course being online right now is how i avoid doing the catering i have to do today that i don’t feel like, i’m not feeling the love for catering post-vacation. of course being online right now is how i avoid having to go out to get grated parmesan, which i forgot. being online right now is how i avoid setting the table for tonight’s private dinner. being online right now is how i avoid … sitting and reading and enjoying the tiny bits of september sunshine entering my dark apartment (moving soon!)].

i’m not sure what the point of this post is. except to say that being 100% offline for 3 days was easier than all of August’s moderation. so i may do more of it, periodically. I read about those people who go to Bali for a month and just live unplugged. maybe i want to be like that when i grow up …

if, by being distracted so much, i’m really trying to hide from the fact that there’s parts of my life (and of me) that i don’t like very much, then distracting my way through life doesn’t really solve anything. if there’s something i don’t like about me … (that i’m lazy? 15 pounds overweight? not very tidy, bad at using up leftovers in the fridge, not writing that book i said i wanted to write) … well, is distracting myself really helping?

1. booze. the thing that hides us from nothing. that makes things worse.

2. distraction (online or otherwise). the thing that hides us from nothing. that keeps things the same (perhaps not worse, but not better).

or how about

3. some kind of self-actualization touchy feely mumbo jumbo integration (or acceptance), where I say: i’m like this. i can turn and face the mirror and be OK with it. stop all the fucking running. really. stop the running away.