sleep more; wait for clarity

I will allow myself 2 more days to change my mind, but here’s how i feel about august unplugged:

when i quit drinking, i filled my non-drinking time with being online and catering. once you remove both of these things… i’ve got serious hours to fill.

for most of this month, i’ve been thinking through sober things (that, to be fair, i could have been thinking 2 years ago when i first quit but i guess i was too busy to process):

• what am i going to do with all of this time?
• i only know how to drink through vacations, i’ve forgotten how to vacation sober
• we could go for lunch on an outdoor patio … but without booze, why bother.

i’m doing some delayed grieving i think. all the busy-ness has perhaps kept me from processing.

and so what did august bring?

seriously bad (and i mean gigantically bad) crappy weather. oh and i have been frigging with my cardiac medication to see if i feel better with less (not really). Then in the last week there’s some very serious family illness taking place back home that involves dysfunctional family dynamics at its best. Then to top it off, i went to see new apartment yesterday for the 3rd visit and suddenly i have decided it’s too loud, in a grungy part of town, too far away, and too empty (unfurnished). (note to self to read about adventures again.)

and you know what, i’m not really complaining.

i should have done this a long time ago. you know, the extreme self-care stuff i suggest … I could have spent August ordering take out, watching bad tv, going to bed early. instead i’ve spent most of it offline wondering just what exactly i’m supposed to do with my time if it’s raining? like really? there’s only life in good weather? and if i can’t watch movies in the afternoons and i can’t drink, and i’m not catering then what exactly am i supposed to do?

You know, all those grand plans to clean the house? none. i cleaned two individual shelves one day. nothing else. Use the metro pass to go somewhere every day? Perhaps 50% of the time.

it’s like once i remove my regular daily structures, but don’t actually go anywhere on vacation (and my husband is still working) … i just sort of slump. girl without structure. Bored. mostly uninspired.

Thankfully two things are about to occur: september begins on monday, back to school, i really do like september. time for new beginnings … and in 10 days we’re going on a 3 day vacation, finally leaving the apartment, going somewhere far away, travelling.

can i wake up with more energy? apparently not. perky? where are you perky?

Was the goal for august unplugged (early sobriety) to be low when required, to sleep more and more, and wait for clarity? If it was then i guess i achieved that 🙂

holy don’t i HATE a process (“honey, it’s a process, you just have to go through it.”). fuckers. process my ass.

here’s what i want: glorious up-energy daily, with a thin waist and a clean apartment.

not happening for you? yeah, me neither!

sober?

yeah, me too. sometimes that’s enough of an achievement for one day (or one bleeding month!)

(and to be fair, here’s what i did accomplish in august, though it feels like ‘not enough’: read 7 books, ran 4 days a week, found an apartment, visited said apartment 3 separate times, wrote a newsletter that’ll actually go in the postal mail, cleaned TWO shelves in the kitchen (ha), changed the sheets once, was in bed by 9:30 pm just about every night, have been quite admirably eating down the contents of the freezer.)

OK. so to turn this around i’ve (a) blogged about it and gotten it out of my head, and (b) i’m getting some sober treats for today. i hereby solemnly swear, even though i am ‘meh’, that i will go and get myself three sober treats today: flowers, bubble bath, an expensive quart of the last strawberries of the year.

here’s to a long weekend (labour day). at least my husband will be home now for 3 days. Vacations are more fun when he’s here. we do things that seem vacation-y when he’s here. maybe it’s that i don’t like being on vacation by myself … maybe i’m co-dependent. maybe it’s that i don’t have any fucking hobbies except for cake. Maybe it’s …

Mr. B? can you come home? i’m bored.

[written offline, typed up during online time …]