no one has ever said anything to me

it’s 6 pm, the glasses are on the counter, i’m very careful to pour evenly, don’t want him to get more than me. sometimes i drink a bit from his glass before i give it to him, if it looks like he has more. sure, I’m officially still working, but no one can tell if i’m having wine while talking to clients on the phone.

how do i know that i’m hiding it so well?

no one has ever said anything to me.

how do i know i’m such a high functioner?

well i’ve never … missed a day of work (is that even true?), i’ve never lost a job (just done jobs poorly), i’ve not jeopardized my marriage (because i’ve trained him not to argue with me).

i’m not over drinking. how can I be? i do a bunch of things, run in a bunch of events, travel to here and there, and I answer the phone 3 hrs after my first glass of wine.

No one has ever said anything to me. Isn’t that on the questionnaires? “has anyone every commented to you that perhaps you’re drinking too much?” I can say no. so i must be fine.

are people afraid to say anything to me? I doubt it. i’m sure someone would say something. and no one has.

and anyway, there are other people who drink a LOT more than i do. It’s them who need to quit, not me.

what? how do i FEEL?

well i feel pretty tired to be honest, i feel kind of low grade malaise all the time. I know i should be further along in my career, marriage, finances, running and i’m just sort of treading water. and … well, to tell you the truth, some days i’m not really treading water at all. some days my chin is pretty close to the waterline. Yeah, some days my head dips below water for moments at a time. I disappear and then resurface.

What?

Oh, well, sure i’m probably drinking more and more as time goes on, but everybody does that, and I can handle my alcohol pretty well compared to most people.

Would i feel better if i quit drinking for awhile? Well sure, but who does that? I mean, who actually makes a change in their life so that they can feel better, feel less shame, less embarrassment, less guilt, feel less dehydrated, be closer to their husband, make better business decisions, have more adventures, and stop lying to themselves. I mean who does that?

yeah. well sober people do that. but i don’t think i could be a sober person.

do I want to feel better? sure. have I tried quitting drinking for a longer period of time? No i haven’t tried it.

I might like being sober? i doubt it. well, sure it’s possible that i might like it. I mean it’s ‘possible’. I have tried the other thing (drinking). I haven’t tried being sober yet.

but really, who does that? who makes decisions to feel better?

you. today.