dear universe: i’m leaving the rest up to you
happy sober sunday. this unplugged thing has been mixed this week. I love all the free time and getting out into the world every day. I’m making good use of my monthly metro pass. The weather isn’t quite warm enough (18C/70F) and it’s been pretty grey/rainy all month.
I’m also missing the time i usually spend answering sober emails, and i really squirm when i spend my allocated time and then close the computer with emails left answered. each day i go back into my inbox, answer messages, chat with folks, and then i have to force myself to stop. You know the feeling of never being caught up. that feeling. that’s what i squirm against.
i know it’s a form of diversion – being online is easier in some ways than figuring out what i want to do this afternoon. But also, it’s a way of making myself seem so damn important (Look at all these emails! i must log-in right now and work for 6 hrs and answer them all!).
i’ve toyed with some really super all-or-nothing thinking (i.e. “i can’t do this unplugged thing again, i need to answer all of my emails every day” … and then i swing to “i should just go offline entirely for 2 weeks and not even see the messages there, then they i won’t feel like i’m missing out.”)
i keep going. this week i had 3 out of 5 days that were truly blissful, and two days where i felt irritated and out of my skin.
we’ve had two visits to see a new apartment and we’ve said “yes we want this one” and now the owners are scrutinizing our finances with a fine-toothed-foreign-comb. can you provide this? not really. do you have this kind of document like we do? no.
that foreign-paperwork-feeling of not knowing what to expect. last night when i went to sleep, i said (repeatedly): “dear universe. I’ve done my best with the paperwork, i can’t give them any more than this, i’m leaving the rest up to you. i’ve done my best. there’s nothing else i can do. except give up trying to control what happens next.” i slept poorly. today, right on schedule, the owners asked for our tax returns filed here (we don’t have them). and so now i sigh. and go offline. and wait for the grey to lift. for the good news to come. for the equilibrium to re-establish itself.
i’m going for a run (good news). and i’m going to listen to the This American Life podcast (super good news). i’m going to trust that i have enough karma in the bank. i’m going to relax into how great it’s going to be in the new apartment – this one i’m working on today or whatever one it turns out to be. i’m going to fucking generate some sun already, come on now weather gods, can you smile on me just.a.bit? really?
you asked how the unplugged thing was going …
now you know 🙂
UPDATE: we got the apartment.
even without tax forms. even without domestic revenue. even without …
turns out we are likeable (!)
yeah hooray for the universe and good karma and good wishes. cool. we’re moving!
time for me to go out right now 5:30 pm local time, and find some cake. right now.