and then bang, right on Thursday, right on schedule — day 7 — i started to feel better. boy our brains are complicated places. we just don’t like change, of any kind, even if the change is ‘for the better’. I’m the queen of thinking that the new thing is going to suck. and it usually doesn’t. I just work myself into a lather for absolutely no reason.
so on Thursday, I woke up and the coat hanger was gone.
you know the coat hanger?
it’s the big piece of metal that lives inside of me, the pokes me from the inside, that makes me feel tense, wound up, agitated. like I’d rather throw myself down the stairs than take them one at a time.
and after 7 days’ of the new thing (being mostly offline), most of the coat hanger is removed. [just like in sobriety, it takes 7-9 days to start to feel ‘better’]
on day 7, finally, it’s quiet in my head. I have occasional moments of “do i really want to do this,” but for the most part i’m convinced it’s a good idea. So i keep going. [sobriety much? my god, everything is like everything. again.]
Things I did on Thursday that seemed to help make it better day … turning point things (please add your turning point things in the comments, would love to hear)… Like, you’re having a crappy, irritated couple of days, what do you do to make it ‘better’?
Things I did: put on one of my husband’s t-shirts. nice and boxy. not tight fitting. I’m tired of being girlie. I’ve lived here for 5 years and i’m not going to fit in. i’m going to go back to being my MEC (REI) self and wear loose soft clothes again. this girl clothes thing? tiring. pinched. too tight. too much focus on boobs for no reason. really. i was a tomboy before, I will be a tomboy again. I thought when i moved here i should make an attempt to ‘fit in’. i’m done with that. i’m going back to being me.
on that same note, i got a hair cut. i’m done with the long hair thing here. I can’t do that either. I’ve done it for 5 years and I’m done with that too. Cut my hair off yesterday. finished with that.
things I did: I’m back to making the bed. I can’t really say when I stopped doing this. and really, we live in europe. our beds consist of a fitted sheet and a down comforter in a bag covering thing. That’s it. You shake the comforter, and plump the pillows. that’s it.
It’s like having my bed made makes me feel less anxious, it’s one place I can go and see that things are “OK” – and there’s nothing nicer than going to bed at night in a made-bed. I mean really. this shit is so simple.
Of course, this entire blithering mess of a blog today is all about self-care. It’s about me listening to me. I like loose, soft clothes. I’m going to stop trying to be someone else. I like to wear a few pieces of clothing over and over, sort of like a uniform. I don’t want to waste any more brain space on fashion. I like to run but I don’t like races so i don’t do those anymore. I have curly unruly hair, so i’m done with trying to coif it into something. I like to sleep so much that I don’t drink alcohol anymore. I like to bake bread at 6 am and so I don’t drink alcohol anymore. There are some things that I know about me. in being unplugged this week, I realize that I’m adding to that list now.
I’m sober by choice. It suits me. I get to be MORE me.
I get to be ME. Louder.