i give up that to get this

[written long hand; typed up during 1 hr online time]

What i’ve learned from this unplugged thing, day 2.  I have looping thoughts: “i should check my mail, oh i’m not doing that right now.” [i feel like a beer, oh i’m not drinking right now.]

I’m not used to this, so my thoughts cycle around to it often; “this is the time where I would normally be online – not today, not right now.” It’s like i walk right up to it a couple of times an hour. [this is the time where i would normally be drinking, oh i’m not drinking now. not today.]

What else can I do now? being online occupies so much of my life. [i feel so bored without booze, what do i do with all this time.]

well, i’ll have a LIFE instead, and yeah it’ll take some time to figure out what that is, what that means.

“a month is too long, i’m going to slip at some point, might as well give up now.” [i’m going to relapse eventually so might as well drink today.]

then i flash forward: i loved this the last time i did it, last august, so i need to give it a chance to take hold, to solidify, to become the new normal. [ditto.]

I realize now that i have FOMO (a Fear Of Missing Out). by being offline I’m going to miss out on some fun, on some group thing, on shared thing on facebook. People will have fun without me. [the drinkers are having fun and i’m not, i’m missing on their fun.]

Yes, it’s true. I will miss something, I’ll miss an appointment because my online calendar is broadcasting to no one. I’ll miss an email with a deadline until it’s 2 hours too late. I accept now that I will miss some things, both big and small, but that’s the price of this thing for me.  I will miss out on something while i take care of me. but i’ll also unplug from the bad shit, too and yes, in doing that i’ll miss a bit of the good. But mostly what i’ll miss out on is the aimless web searching for the best challah with raisins recipe, i’ll miss out on the time wasted, i’ll miss out on the jealous FB lurking. I’ll miss another boring repetitive cooking show. I’ll miss the amped up feeling of being ever-on. [in being sober, i’ll miss out on the hangovers, i’ll miss the boring conversations, i’ll miss the aimless tv watching, i’ll miss out on drunk texting.]

And what i get in return is a gift to me. [ditto]. Even if i can’t tell yet. Even if it feels weird so far.

I give up that to get this.

~

note: while during this unplugged august, i won’t be doing the celebration posts of sober milestones at the bottom of each post as they take a while to compile and i’m online so briefly. I’ll do the milestone posts every Friday instead. don’t worry, I will do them, but i may miss posting your soberversary on the actually day.