From CB (day 0):
“So, I had made 108 days sober (feeling good and healthy and glowing) but felt pressure to do something to celebrate an event and had a few glasses, then again at a dinner party. (By the way, it wasn’t anywhere as near as enjoyable as I thought it would be. I just felt squiffy and couldn’t speak / articulate clearly even after only 1 or 2 glasses.)
The next few weeks i had a few glasses at weekends, then I went travelling with work and now I’m almost back to where I was before: boozing most nights. I also know that when I do drink, I can’t easily stop after 1 or 2 … it’s like a floodgate and when I’ve had one it’s harder to stop. Why am I so needy? Argghhhhh!
I am determined I am going to kick the booze again and would love a trigger to start. Why is it so difficult to find a reason to start again? I really regret not having the strength to just carry on. I’d be on day 180 today. Any tips for triggers to start again would be much appreciated. I keep thinking ahead and saying: I’ve got the holiday booked so maybe when I come back I can see they’re all just excuses but can’t help it. I know you’ll say just get on with it.. I feel so pathetic.”
me: you can begin again on day 1 as soon as you’re ready to feel better (the sooner the better!). you can begin now 🙂 your comment is telling, though. you’re not ‘needy’ – booze is addictive. it’s not that you should be able stop. Lots of people drink as much as they can get away with. if you were consuming cocaine, you wouldn’t wonder why it was hard to stop. Remove the booze, and you’ll feel a whole lot better. Lemme know when you’re ready
CB: “thank you!!!!!! I’m going to make today be day 1. yayyyyyy. why do i need someone to tell me what to do. so very pathetic of me. thank you again Belle. xxxxxxxx”
me: haha. we all (often) need guidance in the beginning. wolfie is very loud …
~
Each day we learn something new about ourselves. Day One or Day One Thousand, it’s a journey of love and life. Congratulations to all of you who are staying on the path and loving your own selves. Best to those who are hopeful too.
CB, I just want to give you a hug and say that you’re not pathetic or needy. You are strong and courageous and brave to have had 100+ days sober and to have jumped back on the horse and started again. And your experience has really helped me as a warning to not have just that ‘one’ for a special occassion. Something that I especially like about Belle is that she is teaching us to be kind and good to ourselves. That’s AS important as giving up the booze. xx
Great comments! Last year I quit for 7 months! I had one toe hangin off the wagon then a bump knocked me all the way off…Now I’m 6 months into not drinking again…This time seems completely different…I’m doing it for me…Can’t believe the mental clarity and memory gain (very weird). I have used exercise as a diversion which is also hard and amazing but this time I feel like I am quitting for all the right reasons…Point is- I think you have to quit a few times to understand why making it stick is so important…When I was a teenager I remember having the same affliction with Smoking Weed…Every time I quit and then “gave in” I felt an increasing amount of terrible. Then it got to the point where it just kinda grossed me out to smoke. Feel that way about booze now. But the difference this time is I’m not trying to just blow out a quick diet or “dry out” spell. I am consciously focusing on a life where peace, calm, tranquility ,mental and physical health are the new “Norm”. Avery cool place to be and I can tell people around me see it too!
I agree with this description of the repeated giving-ins. For me it’s just been part of the process… go a long stretch, happy with the health of sobriety, make a choice to try a drink again, usually out of a need to self-medicate… and then remember COMPLETELY why I chose to give it up in the first place.
Each time I fall off the wagon, I, too, feel an increasing amount terrible, even after just one night of drinking. Once your body gets used to health it completely rejects the poison. What used to work to make me feel better (or that’s what I thought, anyway) is now internalized as the disgusting thing it is.
Anyway, the good news is that when we start to listen to our bodies and our desire for health, that addicted voice in our head loses its persuasive powers. Maybe it catches us off guard a time or two, but it doesn’t take long before our “smarter self” sees the reality what is going on.
I think there’s great momentum in counting days, and I understand the desire to not toy around with a relapse. That said, I don’t think relapsing is the end of the world– I think it shows us that YES we can still choose to drink, and then it reminds us that NO we do not want to. And then our commitment to sobriety is that much stronger.
Thank you so much for sharing CB!! Today is day 82 and I feel great…but I sometimes get the Wolfie whisper “go ahead 1 won’t matter” “you are in control now you’ll have no problem stopping after 1 or 2” and on and on. The honesty from Belle’s 100 Day people helps me to remember why staying the course and not messing with what works is so important! So I guess thank you to everyone on Belle’s blog!!!! 🙂
I read this and another blog (saying about the same thing) last night when I so desperately wanted a drink. It stopped me in my tracks. I don’t know if I have it in me to start again. I love the comment above that says she’s never regretted coming home from a sober vacation! I will keep that handy. Stay strong CB. You know it’s worth it 🙂
I read this and another blog last night when I so desperately wanted a drink. The strong sound of “regret” stopped me in my tracks.
CB, I’ve never managed to hold it together quite as long as you had (I aspire to 100+ days!). So first and foremost you should be proud of that accomplishment, and from what I hear this time around you’re going to have already collected the tools you need to get that streak back under your belt. But I don’t think you should be too tough on yourself for drinking, because I bet you’ve learned the same lesson I’ve learned after each time I gave in to drinking (a lesson I’m trying so hard to really accept this time around)… Never, NOT ONCE did I wake up the day after giving in and drinking and think “I’m so glad I did that. That was a good decision. Much better than not having anything to drink last night.” And that realization can be a really powerful tool the next time Wolfie comes huffing and puffing, because you know from experience now that he’s full of shit 🙂
To CB, You are not pathetic! You are brave and honest and smartly reaching out for help! It took me many day ones to get my momentum. You can do it!
Hey, CB. Good you jump back in! Day 2 complete here after a 120 day stint. Could be 201…I had the same experience out of the blue obsession and said, “Quit obsessing and have a glass, for heaven’s sake, that’s normal”. “I never said it was forever anyway”….well, I miss feeling great, with energy and confidence. I miss working on projects and hobbies instead of doing nothing while drinking wine. I miss the vibrancy that was growing, so Time to get back there. Thanks for writing it down so Belle could share and then it’s in my face as a reality, too. Here we go!,
I find that having someone else articulate or validate the thoughts that are often already in your mind is incredibly powerful as a motivator. And don’t forget wolfie is a damn bully and hates the strength we find in numbers and supporting each other. Its not pathetic at all, its totally smart to gather your army! Have a wonderful day CB, you’ve got my support xx
I’ve been in a similar place. I did a 30-day sobriety challenge last year and felt so good at the end of 30 days, that I kept going for several weeks. Then I had one drink… then another… then I was back to the nightly boozing and feeling like crap again. I think we get in a habit and get used to feeling bad. For many of us, it is a new and unfamiliar experience to feel “good and healthy and glowing,” as you say. We feel safer in our misery! Be brave, you CAN do it this time!
OH GOD CB! I could have written this. You poor dear.
The really really good thing about Belle’s program is you can start all over again.
Moreover, what is even better about this program is you get to keep your 108 days! You do not lose your 108 days! Those days are yours to keep.
I found that after I relapsed Belle’s Jumpstart Class was helpful. It was like having a reminder and an obligation to think about being sober everyday.
It is so easy to forget what drunk and hung-over feels like…
CB- thank you for sharing! You can do it! I feel needy all the time but lately have been trying to really stay in the NOW. BECOME MORE COMPASSIONATE, CARING & kind to yourself first then to others. Thanks for writing.
To CB: It’s not pathetic to need others; it’s entirely human! You’re very strong on your own though. You made it 108 days– remember that, and focus on that health you enjoyed in that stretch. That healthy person is the REAL you, not the one who is “needy” with booze. (And that healthy person is kindest to herself when she reaches out to Belle and others for the support she deserves and humanly needs!) Just my thoughts. Warm hugs and support on the start of this next stretch! xo
I’m going to print this post to REMIND ME WHY I work hard to not take the FIRST drink, it’s the one that gets you drunk, the ONE that creeps into becoming not the celebratory occasion, not the just one to relax … it’s the one that starts the cycle again … drinking every night, hating Wolfie, hating me, hating you, hating why, how …. CB we hear it often in meetings … it is much easier to STAY sober than to GET (begin again) sober. Good luck, make the days count and btw, I’ve never come home from a sober vacation and said, “that sucked what a lousy time”, I’ve always come home GRATEFUL for sobriety.