I left the room that wasn’t mine

from me:

I had a drinking dream last night. I had arrived at an outdoor restaurant in some place i was travelling to, and i was alone and feeling a bit out of place. The bar was backed up with people standing around with drinks. The waiter passed by with a tray and I took a bottle of beer. I drank from the bottle (something you would not do in Europe, so i must have been in North America – well, yes, they were speaking English, so i was ‘home’ somewhere).

The waiter said “you can sit at that table for two over there,” and the table was in a hotel room. The door was closed and i knew he couldn’t see me, so i was going to wait a long time for food!. I was alone, hidden, with a beer.

Then i realized two things.

First, I discovered that i’d unknowingly consumed 2/3 of the bottle of beer (and i knew that i didn’t drink anymore, so i was kind of panicked).

Second, the hotel room was part of a suite, and it wasn’t my room, there were other people there. It wasn’t the right place for me. It wasn’t mine.

And then, in the dream I realized that I was dreaming and that I hadn’t actually broken my sobriety in real life. And then, in the dream, I had the wolfie thought process: “well fuck it, I’ve already had 2/3 of the beer, and since this is a dream and it doesn’t count, I might as well finish this beer and get a bottle of wine.”

And in the dream, I left the rest of the beer unfinished. And I left the room that wasn’t mine. And I quit drinking (again).  Cuz apparently that’s who i am now … I’m a girl who doesn’t drink. even when asleep.


I want to put this online, to hold myself accountable. I want to document the noise in my head. I'm tired of thinking about drinking. date of last drink: june 30, 2012

  • What a telling dream, Belle. Our energies can take a long time to untie from things we choose to leave behind. Powerful – thanks for sharing xo

  • I love this. I often times get choked up when reading your posts, your words are so well chosen and I can relate. Love the title- you left a room that wasn’t yours. Wonderful.
    I also left the room that wasn’t mine. But, the door is still wide open behind me. I so look forward to the day when that door is shut and locked. Or, better yet, when the door becomes a permanent WALL:)
    Thank you for sharing your dream.