‘Prelapse’ … what happens before drinking

Hey everyone, I’m new to this site and starting over in sobriety. Even when I had two years sober, I was baffled by the bizarre mixture of feelings and thoughts that preceded a serious urge to drink. This post and the comments focus on emotional fatigue and the feeling of “eff it, I’m done with this.” I have definitely felt that.

But other times, there’s no fatigue and yet I feel like I’m in stagnation, like my life doesn’t have any meaning and I just don’t care if drinking will do harm. It will do more good than harm in the short term. That’s a big problem with my attempts at sobriety; it is too easy for me to say that I don’t care whether I live or die. The best advice I have gotten is that I shouldn’t assume that life is supposed to be filled with meaning and wonder, but instead it’s up to me to make life meaningful. Relationships with other people, activities and tasks that I find fulfilling, etc. That will have to be a daily focus for me. When I feel the prelapse sense of meaningless, ask what I’m doing with and for other people or what I’m doing to improve my talents.

Glad to be here.

Wow, talk about timely. Had a stressful, wayyy too busy weekend and kept having thoughts of drinking on Saturday. Unusual for me… just kept thinking what it would be like to have a drink… no one would know… except me. I just couldn’t do it, couldn’t go back to all that crap, how many wasted days and nights, to those crummy bone-shaking sick feelings the days after, … the day 1 — again.

So, just kept plugging, altho I must admit I was really crabby… glad to have that weekend behind me — and vowing to not be that busy doing things I really don’t want to do… again. I like my sober weekends when I’m in a happy place!

Well, I am one of those Team 100 members who has succumbed to prelapse–twice!–in recent weeks after I initially racked up 33 days. As part of the Sober Jumpstart class, I had the pleasure of speaking with Belle yesterday morning (and I was a little nervous as I felt like such a loser for having another day 1, but those feelings went out the window immediately because Belle didn’t judge me/doesn’t judge us).

I pondered our discussion all day as I went about my business, and realized that I learned something yet again–something very important–at least for me: For me, it’s more than just stopping the drinking, it’s really about changing my mindset in regards to overwhelming feelings and emotions. It’s about learning to sit with and ride through the uncomfortable feelings and emotions, something that can’t happen if I try to escape through drink. And, until I get the hang of that–of becoming comfortable with uncomfortableness, I will follow Belle’s suggestion of going through every tool in my sober toolbox if necessary to ride through to the other side. It’s really just too exhausting to keep having these Day One’s.

So, at the start of day 3, I’m feeling positive and have subscribed to the Sober Podcasts because, frankly, right now in the beginning, I’ll accept all of the help that Belle and others here have to offer.

Sober on!

Love and Peace, Zelda