the 4-day catering stretch ended about 10 minutes ago. i just said goodbye, closed the door, and now i look at the kitchen… and the dishes. I could leave them for my husband (ha!) or i could start now. I could write a blog post (ha!) or i could have another cup of tea. How about blog post AND tea.
I proved to myself this morning, yet again, that i must be sober to have this life. I knew that to have catering as my job #3 passion thingy, that I would have lots of weird hours, with very physical labour (compared to my desk job design work).
and today? no exception: up before 6 a.m. Who does that? who sets their alarm on a SATURDAY for 5:50 a.m.? who? not me. i sleep till 10. or later. I am a red-wine-girl who stays up late, sleeps late, drags her ass around doing a shitty job of just about everything but still calling herself ‘high functioning’. yeah, that’s me.
oh. not really anymore. some time back there in the recent past i realized that if i wanted to bake bread and sell it, then i had to get up early. if i wanted to have fresh cupcakes that weren’t frozen or parbaked, but really fresh ones, then i had to get up early. if i wanted to prep the fruit salad just before serving, i’d have to get up early to do everything else first so that i could do the fruit salad absolutely last (you know what fresh pineapple goes like after it’s been sitting around awhile…). and i’d serve the fruit salad with a homemade mint syrup. because why not.
to be here, to do this, i need to be sober.
which makes me sound like some special kind of fancy.
but here it is. to get up early, i need to be sober. to even have the idea to pursue a job #3 passion thingy in any meaningful way, i needed to be sober. to stop having shitty arguments with my husband about nothing, i needed to be sober. to file my taxes at least within the year they’re due, i need to be sober. to run for at least 10 minutes a day, 5 days a week, i need to be sober. to sleep through the night and not wake hating my life (and myself) at 3 a.m., i need to be sober.
to have the kind of life i want to have, i need to be sober.
As TS put it, “Does it really make sense to risk losing ALL the benefits of sobriety in a gamble to try and MAYBE potentially gain a little enjoyment out of an attempt at moderating a drink here and there? That’s almost like putting up $10,000,000 at risk of losing it all in hopes of gaining $100. Not a gamble I want to take.”
fine. to have this, i give up that.
i will catch up on my emails after i have a 3 hour nap (coma). laterz.