gamble $10,000,000?

the 4-day catering stretch ended about 10 minutes ago. i just said goodbye, closed the door, and now i look at the kitchen… and the dishes. I could leave them for my husband (ha!) or i could start now. I could write a blog post (ha!) or i could have another cup of tea. How about blog post AND tea.

I proved to myself this morning, yet again, that i must be sober to have this life. I knew that to have catering as my job #3 passion thingy, that I would have lots of weird hours, with very physical labour (compared to my desk job design work).

and today? no exception: up before 6 a.m.  Who does that? who sets their alarm on a SATURDAY for 5:50 a.m.? who? not me. i sleep till 10. or later. I am a red-wine-girl who stays up late, sleeps late, drags her ass around doing a shitty job of just about everything but still calling herself ‘high functioning’. yeah, that’s me.

oh. not really anymore. some time back there in the recent past i realized that if i wanted to bake bread and sell it, then i had to get up early. if i wanted to have fresh cupcakes that weren’t frozen or parbaked, but really fresh ones, then i had to get up early. if i wanted to prep the fruit salad just before serving, i’d have to get up early to do everything else first so that i could do the fruit salad absolutely last (you know what fresh pineapple goes like after it’s been sitting around awhile…). and i’d serve the fruit salad with a homemade mint syrup. because why not.

to be here, to do this, i need to be sober.

which makes me sound like some special kind of fancy.

but here it is. to get up early, i need to be sober. to even have the idea to pursue a job #3 passion thingy in any meaningful way, i needed to be sober.  to stop having shitty arguments with my husband about nothing, i needed to be sober. to file my taxes at least within the year they’re due, i need to be sober. to run for at least 10 minutes a day, 5 days a week, i need to be sober. to sleep through the night and not wake hating my life (and myself) at 3 a.m., i need to be sober.

to have the kind of life i want to have, i need to be sober.

As TS put it, “Does it really make sense to risk losing ALL the benefits of sobriety in a gamble to try and MAYBE potentially gain a little enjoyment out of an attempt at moderating a drink here and there? That’s almost like putting up $10,000,000 at risk of losing it all in hopes of gaining $100. Not a gamble I want to take.”

fine. to have this, i give up that.

i will catch up on my emails after i have a 3 hour nap (coma). laterz.


I want to put this online, to hold myself accountable. I want to document the noise in my head. I'm tired of thinking about drinking. date of last drink: june 30, 2012

  • I had the moderation conversation with Wolfie yesterday. In order to get my point across and win tbe argument, i need to be sober….. Great message! Thanks!

  • Awww Belle, that was such a great post. I read it and am amazed at everything you do. You are truly inspiring. I’m not at that stage of clarity yet where I can say I am doing everything better sober or I need to be sober to do this or that better. My thinking is still clouded with thoughts that I wasn’t so bad before I came here. Yes, I also called myself a super high functioning red wine girl who works full time, no car accidents, DUI or other legal troubles, etc.

    But oh yeah, there was one night (the very last night I drank which was May 1) where I honestly thought I was going to die. Between all the wine I drank, pills I was taking and no food to soak anything up, I felt like I had never felt before. Was so scared that I almost called my daughter to come over. Yeah, ok, that is pretty bad. This damn Wolfie voice will rationalize anything in my head. Like you told me before, I am just saying to Wolfie No drinking for 100 days and eff off!
    Thanks for listening Belle………I love this blog and this community you have created.

  • The gamble isn’t worth it. Doing a half assed job at or giving up everything we love to do or want to accomplish for a few fleeting moments of ahhhhh! Which is then followed by drunken inertia and extreme regrets the next morning. Why chance it? It’s just not worth it contrary to all the hype.

  • And that’s just the short list of what you would trade away for some very short-lived highs punctuated by hours of indecision and angst. Thanks for the reminder. Enjoy your nap!

  • I like your gambling analogy. When some ask me why I don’t drink and continue to work my recovery the way I do I point out that I’m not risking all I have today to see if I can drink again why would I risk that?

  • Oh, thank you for that! Just realized this morning, on Day 7, just how much this sobriety will mean to my marriage. To make sure my husband feels loved and needed, I need to be sober. To make sure I am aware of what is going on in my home, I need to be sober. To be able to do the work needed to keep my marriage, I need to be sober. To make sure I get the attention I need from my husband, I need to be sober. To be able to survive, I need to be sober.

    Thank you for what you do.