Today 8:53 am
Yesterday was a complete write-off. It’s one of those ‘lulls’ in sobriety. Sometimes I’m cheering hooray for the growth, the expansion, the ideas. Some days, from the moment I wake, i wonder: “is anything interesting going to happen today? no? not even any wine to look forward to? well, forget it then, i’m not going to bother.” Yesterday i didn’t eat lunch. just couldn’t be bothered. husband made dinner at 9 pm.
Wednesday. Today i wake, alone, and it’s a grey day. Today i think, fuck i can’t have another non-achieving, slothy day like yesterday. (I mean, yeah, there are vacation days but then there are sloth days where i can’t get out of my own way). today i decide i’m going to construct a better day.
Oh wait? that sound? pouring rain, just started as I type this. spectacular. going out for my run now in the pissing rain. harumph. where’s the sun from last week you bastards? who’s in charge of this fucking weather? why isn’t it done more efficiently? thunder? really? nice.
I’m waiting while a motivational podcast downloads to my little shuffle, and i’ll listen while i run. It will magically work. i will come back later and update this post with a shitload of genius that i fucking stole from someone else. hehe. like all genius, ‘liberally borrowed’. stay tuned. genius coming up. fuck i hope so.
Went for a short run (16 minutes), it wasn’t really raining by the time i left, weather is weird. now it’s sunny. which is better.
Podcast is one with Timothy Ferriss and i don’t like it much. turns out i really don’t like TF very much, though i do try. repeatedly. i like his writing, i don’t like his person.
Shower, coffee (lovingly pre-measured tks to Mr. B, something he does in the morning before he goes to work).
What are the elements of a ‘good’ day for me? Moment by moment, trying to pick the things I know I like.
Breakfast with green stuff (asparagus, stir fried lettuce) and roughage.
Oh yes, and I always feel better when i do the morning pages (or single page). good. and I bring my book to the table so i can read that after bfast. Always feel better when i read when eating, instead of eating in front of the computer. (yeah, the reading part lasted 45 minutes!).
Responded to sober emails that came in overnight (118 messages = 61 minutes).
Email exchange with AmandaJ about whether we change behaviour and then feelings change, or if we change our thinking first and then change our behaviour …
me: I think there’s some of both … I’m a behaviourist at heart, so I do believe you change the behaviour first, and then the feelings/thinking will change. in early sobriety, I just quit, and didn’t know why or how or if I’d continue… and I just did it, and waited for it to make sense later. (it did.) but I know that as I go along in my own sobriety (after 1 year sober), there is now more of the thinking-and-then-changing as well.
~ this message from Ruby, so sweet:
“Thanks for the jump start, Belle. “I really appreciated having the podcasts to listen to start off my day and then again at night to reinforce my choice to stay sober. Looking back I see it as part of an excellent launch. I felt fragile and each podcast reminded me of my fragility and to respect it, to make a plan and to be prepared to make sobriety a priority. I think I would have tried to barrel through those first weeks in an inappropriate “be tough and soldier on” willful kind of way and maybe expose myself to way too much and much too soon. That was often my MO before sobriety: over perform, max out my boundaries and hide my hurt. So, the podcasts reminded me to be careful and kind with myself.
My favorite jumpstart podcast was the one where you shared how you dealt with questions and comments about not drinking. I felt permitted to shamelessly invent and tailor my own reasons and responses depending upon how I felt. That audio helped me to grow some boundaries, perspective, and sense of humor to decline boozy beverages and probing personal questions any way that suited me. My personal favorite these days is,’That is a good question. Perhaps, once we know each other better I will unveil that mystery to you’.”
talk about looking for motivation, there’s this message from Isabel: “Me drinking is me not living, it’s me just waiting around to die, me just faking the shit out of everything I do. Me not drinking is me, wonderful me, beautiful me, amazing me, I can do anything me, I can love completely me!! Today I am so grateful to be sober. Thanks for listening.”
Things seem fine now. Really, is it as simple as exercising first thing, and reading instead of computer? from 1230 to 130 spent an hour reading and drinking tea, then had lunch and then … wait for it … i did (gasp) an hour of tax paperwork (thanks Tim) that i’ve been putting off for 5 months. I took pastry out of the freezer to defrost for tonight’s dinner. Load of laundry in the dryer. Sunny and then rainy and then sunny again.
“It is not because things are difficult that we do not dare; it is because we do not dare that things are difficult.” (Seneca)
Here’s what I know. When i do things in advance I feel better, and yet i don’t do it enough. For example, at 3:30 pm i made the filling for tonight’s pie dinner. i never do this mid-afternoon. ever.
Here’s what I know. When I have an unexpected week without catering or any client meals or any hosted events then i don’t like it very much. It’s vacation week here again. no one is around. I always have catering clients and this week = zero. Yesterday, sloth day, I was waiting for orders to come in and none did. I’m not very good at rolling with intermittent lulls. Instead of thinking “oh great a mini-vacation,” i start in with “no one wants my food any more, this is all a disaster.”
Note to self. A lull in catering is not a measurement of self-worth. god. belle. get a grip. honestly. when i write it out like this it seems ridiculously sad.
I guess that’s what today is about. finding the undercurrents, making adjustments, tweaking the operating system. In writing this out, as long and dull as it is, I think i’ve figured out some stuff.
Reaching for a glass of wine to dull the ‘angst’ wouldn’t leave me with any room for clarity. And with more clarity, i get to know ME better, and I can figure out what makes me TICK.