There’s really no question: I wasn’t going to drink. But I had been feeling quit shitty/ansty for days. It has now resolved itself. But it lasted for about 2 weeks off and on. “Is this forever, this all feels fake, I am a fraud, nothing matters, sobriety doesn’t matter. blah blah.” Just a low grade malaise.
Then this past Saturday, when I had my Life O’Clock realization, well since then I’ve been feeling much, much better. It’s like all of a sudden i got a glimpse of a new, future me. And with certain clarity I know that the New Me Version 2.0 will not occur if I’m drinking. Will not. Cannot.
Tomorrow is Mr. Belle’s one year sober-versary. He’s been talking of drinking again. I think part of me looked too far forward, imagined hanging out with him and his boozy friends while we’re on vacation. Last year that part of the visit was a miserable evening, i can’t imagine how much worse it would be if he is drinking too.
Selfishly, it has been a relief to have him sober this past year. Selfish, because he doesn’t have a wolfie voice, he’s not a boozer. But me. it’s all about me, right? It’s easier for ME if he’s sober. and yet, i know he has his own life path. My guess is he’ll drink once or twice, decide he doesn’t like it, and then return to being sober. I’ve asked him a few times what his plans are for tomorrow and they’re pretty vague.
Also, as is now commonplace and usual for me, we have a visa meeting tomorrow, and this always winds me up: “will we be able to stay, will they find something offensive about my north american bank accounts, will they give me shit for not speaking better foreign language if i’m asking about landed immigrant status. will they drop some big fucking bomb that will require us (again) to be extorted by an immigration lawyer.” Living abroad when you’re not sponsored by your job is a weird balancing act of trying to navigate on your own versus hugely gigantic lawyer bills. sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t.
until it does work. until we’ve been here long enough to be citizens. until. until. soon-come.
and so for now, i look at today. i do sort of know that it will be all OK tomorrow. i’m not really as stressed as i’ve been for other visa meetings. They’re up Mr. B’s nose and there’s nothing he can do to please them, so they’ve called us both in together. I’m bitchier and more forceful (ha!) and i’m coming armed with (literally) 500 pages of supporting paperwork. Hopefully they will stop fucking with us. until next year.
I will celebrate tomorrow with a vegetarian falafel. and my twice-a-year can of coke.
And on a really good note, my jewelry lady has designed a brand new “It’s About Time” bracelet (leather!) and it’ll be unveiled just as soon as all of the treat boxes are sold. 4 left. you know me. i can’t do more than one thing at a time.