As this day goes on, i find myself asking pretty typical questions: what do i want my life to be like? since i’m driving this sober car, where am i going? am i driving or just coasting along enjoying the scenery. is there a difference and who cares?
I had a super great series of coaching calls today, where some themes repeated throughout: yes it gets better, you can’t tell how much yet because it’s too early. yes, you can be fun, have fun, see fun, create fun if you’re sober. yes, there will be tragedy, chemo, suicide attempts, and kids going to college. Yes you will put the dog to sleep, or get bad news about your mother, or sell your home. you don’t have to drink about it, and it’s probably better if you don’t.
yes it’s ok to have feelings and not automatically try to numb them, to escape, to hide. yes, being angry is a perfectly normal response in that situation. so is crying.
and fear. i heard fear in today’s calls. but i heard hope, too. a lot of hope. a lot of ‘this time i’m doing things differently so that i’ll have a different outcome.’
and yeah really … what is fear? (she asks herself, then answers the question as if someone else has asked…)
Fear is looking into the unknown (and the unknowable) and assuming it will suck. ha ha ha ha. we NEVER think it’ll be better in the new life, we just automatically assume it’s going to be rotten.
Thankfully we don’t have to live the scary ‘rest of our lives’ all at once. we get to eat the elephant one bite at a time. i am clearly writing this entire blog post to myself. i can hear my business coach now. it’s like i can channel you, kathleen. when i call you tomorrow, you will say “why do you assume that growth will be bad? why does it have to upend your balance? Who says that if you publish a book you can’t still have mid-day baths? Why is it EITHER / OR with you?”
and i’ll say hahahaha because i’m a boozer, and black and white thinking is how we roll.
so now that i know all this, it’s my job to begin to think differently.
note to self:
stop assuming the new thing will suck.