from my morning pages today:
This morning in bed, waiting for Mr. B. to leave for work, half-asleep, he was running late. I wanted him to be reliable, predictable, and to leave at exactly 8:10 a.m. every day.
I pictured him as a rigid wall that i could back up against.
I wanted him to be predictable to make my life easier (here’s my childhood in a sentence).
When of course, it’s my job to be me and to take care of me, regardless of what he’s doing (what he’s doing is running late). I was waiting for him to leave so that i could go back to sleep. That seems normal enough, but wanting him to leave strictly at a certain time …
He is not the wall that shapes my life, he can’t be. Firstly, because he’s unconscious of me needing this, and secondly he’s too soft around the edges, fluid lines, he’s too unpredictable to be my wall. I can’t bounce off of him.
[most people are too unpredictable to be my wall; that’s just life]
now that i’m sober, as i continue to evolve, i will become someone different. a child with good walls and normal boundaries probably does this automatically. instead, it’s something i will need to learn how to do.
this.
i don’t bounce off him. he is not a wall.
~
Happy Day 50 to Ella May!
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Happy Day 50 to PeteUK!
Happy Day 50 to 365Reasons!
Happy Day 100 to Tammi!
Oh this is interesting….it’s just made me realise that actually my hubby has pretty much been “my wall”…he is very predictable, almost irritatingly so. And when he isn’t home I feel rather lost…and I’m only just realising that ( it’s only taken however many months of being sober and trying to be my “own” person)
And yeah….the childhood stuff seems to seep into a lot of stuff even 30 years later 🙄.
It’s far more challenging to try to work out how “I” want to live my life rather than relying on what other people expect of me….but surely it is the preferred way to be ?
I love reading this blog ! You’re very honest and transparent in your account of what goes on in your head 😘
Boundaries have always been an issue for me, so I’m always glad to read about others’ boundaries, or lack of. In terms of my former drinking, alcohol was the way I put aside my need to be in control, responsible, drawing those boundaries. I never thought about how exaggerated those lines were. I thought I couldn’t rely on anyone else – not spouse, not family, not friends – and the weight of always “holding myself up” against all the slings and arrows – mine and theirs – got awfully fucking heavy. I am learning that I’m responsible for me first, and then I can help others. Like a parent on a plane….When I blew it off, I went full tilt. I’m much happier being the captain of my own canoe rather than trying to captain the cruise ship.