from my morning pages today:
This morning in bed, waiting for Mr. B. to leave for work, half-asleep, he was running late. I wanted him to be reliable, predictable, and to leave at exactly 8:10 a.m. every day.
I pictured him as a rigid wall that i could back up against.
I wanted him to be predictable to make my life easier (here’s my childhood in a sentence).
When of course, it’s my job to be me and to take care of me, regardless of what he’s doing (what he’s doing is running late). I was waiting for him to leave so that i could go back to sleep. That seems normal enough, but wanting him to leave strictly at a certain time …
He is not the wall that shapes my life, he can’t be. Firstly, because he’s unconscious of me needing this, and secondly he’s too soft around the edges, fluid lines, he’s too unpredictable to be my wall. I can’t bounce off of him.
[most people are too unpredictable to be my wall; that’s just life]
now that i’m sober, as i continue to evolve, i will become someone different. a child with good walls and normal boundaries probably does this automatically. instead, it’s something i will need to learn how to do.
i don’t bounce off him. he is not a wall.
Happy Day 50 to Ella May!
Happy Day 50 to Fray!
Happy Day 50 to PeteUK!
Happy Day 50 to 365Reasons!
Happy Day 100 to Tammi!