I’m sober. You? I’m figuring out a lot of stuff this week, here on my own, temporarily husband-less. I kinda like being alone. It’s easier. I can be truly selfish. I kinda hate being on my own. I miss my partner in crime, and i hate doing all the catering dishes myself (!). I am also (gasp) forced to make my own coffee every day. i mean really. there are limits. I was single for a long time before i got married, i’m used to being independent and self-sufficient. but when someone who loves you makes you a cup of coffee and a tuna sandwich, it’s nearly worth the trade-off of having their socks ON the coffee table.
i said to my friend on the phone yesterday, i’m in this relationship with Mr. B for the long haul. we’re going through some changes and if this next phase doesn’t work, then we’ll try something else. till we find something that does work. i know that not all relationships have this luxury; we’re both willing to figure it out. Move him to a separate office. check. and if that’s not enough? then we’ll do something else (in fact, i’m already scheming on a cool project for us that could help with finances, career, togetherness, apartness; he of course may veto the idea, but i’m still looking ahead for another thing we implement). i said to my friend on the phone, “he really loves me, and i used to consider myself just about un-loveable. so yeah, we’re going to figure it out. he’s worth it.”
and if i look back over this sober, solo week, where i couldn’t blame anyone for anything, then here’s what i see: two great night’s sleep, followed by one shitty night (tues night) that led to a two-day downward spiral. i hate my life when i’m tired. i hate catering, i hate my job, i hate the city. OK, yes, hate is too strong a word. I’m unhappy with my life when i’m tired. and then Presto i get some sleep and i’m back to normal again.
with Mr. B away, and no one to blame for my sleeplessness (except myself), no one to blame for the work, the irritation – just me – now i see that the cause of the problem is in fact me. just me. i cannot write this again. it’s just so boring. i’ll write it in white ink, ready? I MUST GET ENOUGH SLEEP, and i must run. those two things virtually guarantee that i like my life. (i must stay sober too). three things. that’s it. i’m already doing #3. i have to do #1 so that i can do #2. point finale.
~
now i see that the cause of the problem is in fact me. just me.
Celebrating 5 years sober tomorrow … and the cause for all my difficulties today “is in fact still me, just me”.
Married 40 years … hubs drinks, always has … I never did, fell into a wine bottle in middle age and couldn’t get out until I surrendered … he still drinks, I do not.
All paths are difficult, sobriety, marriage, parenting, career … we are to live life on life’s terms here on Earth … I choose to do it sober … one day at a time … and with the help of a power greater than myself and a fellowship of other sober people.
congratulations annie!
bizi
This post reminds me of your saying Belle that “everything is like everything.” For me, just like being sober, sometimes I think my marriage is the best decision I ever made and sometimes I still wonder “what was/am I thinking?”
I can relate to your post Santa Cruz. My husband and I were always good friends–and GREAT drinking buddies. This whole me not drinking thing while he still does truly has taken some tricky navigating. Seemed like we were never going to work around the change–but it does get easier, better, more of a “new normal” as each month passes.
I think that life is a constant path of learning and discovery that really never ends, unless you are not sober. Wolfie takes away the ability to think clearly about anything other than his desire to drink, and making sure there is enough and when can he have some more. When he all encompasses your mind there is little room or time for much else there is no room for real clarity be it even as simple as gazing out the window at a beautiful sky. Little things that can fill us up are impossible let alone the deeper more serious things like relationships and working on them. Thank goodness we are all together helping each other to stay on this road that allows us self love and thus love for those important to us. Thanks to you Belle!
I’m sober too!!! WOOHOO!
I had a week on my own a couple back – Mrs F off with a 40 11 year olds on an adventure week – she loved standing in a wood in the pouring rain getting soaked to the skin as they struggled in the rain and mud to build a shelter… NOT!
Felt most odd to be alone – however I actually enjoyed doing more about the house, the washing, ironing, all the cooking (well my daughter cooked one night). Mostly the ironing – she hates how I do it and just stops me when I start if she is about!
Oh I know, marriage is hard. And I am in a very successful one. Which has constantly been a source of surprise to me.
It goes through phases.
I’m married 20 years. Together 25 years.
Me going alcohol free is a strange stage for us, not quite sure where it will lead us. Not quite sure how to navigate.
But like you and mr. B, we do know that we are willing to figure it out.
Slowly does it. We are Treading lightly around each other. Respect takes us to sober pastures new.
So sleep well dear belle, so nice to have someone who is, as you say, worth it.
Santa Cruz
sober (again) and for just a few days and trying to do the things Belle advised. but just had an argument with the husband about the house and because I have been apologizing to him for days he has been as usual during this phase maximizes his time on the squash court. I think that’s not fair and he says I am just going through a phase. I guess he has been on this sober-on / sober-off cycle with me so long he does not really know how else to hand the sober-on phase….
thanks
Glad you made it through the week! No O’Doul’s today. Back to cranberry juice & soda or pots and pots of tea. Have a beautiful weekend!
Hank
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Yes, I’m still sober! 19 months now! Isn’t it wild how we are still learning about ourselves at 19/20 months sober?! I quietly blame others for my moods and then when they aren’t around, there is no one to blame but myself. I do like ‘alone’ time. No conflicts with myself. No stress, no bickering, no KIDS is sometimes as great as sleep! I agree with the coffee in the morning being a ‘gift’ from hubby! Now when things in life get me angry or frustrated I don’t crave a drink. I am usually just tired and done with the day and know that in the morning I will look at things differently. The only time I fancy a drink is when I’m out with girlfriends and they are having a cocktail. But then I just order a cranberry/tonic with lime and after dinner a great hot cup of coffee with lotsa cream and I’m comforted by the taste and smell. 🙂 I think that relationships with spouses change over time and it’s normal and natural. That’s great that you are in it for the long haul. It’s hard work living with someone else! Hugs!