i am a blamer. i see that now that i’m on my own. when my husband is here, he does most of the housekeeping. i like the dishes done after supper. i like them all done, pots and everything. he does them. hahaha that’s so hilarious. because as soon as i’m on my own, i have been doing the dishes while I make dinner, which means that the dinner dishes themselves don’t get done. they wait on the counter till the next day.
i could nearly cry. this is so heartbreaking to see up close. i want him to do things that i won’t (and don’t) do myself. sometimes after we do laundry, i fold the laundry or he does. mostly it’s him. i suggest that if he folds the laundry we could put away the drying rack and it wouldn’t take up so much room in the already small bedroom. he does it sometimes, but mostly not. me neither it turns out. there is laundry on the rack right now. i don’t fold the laundry and put away the rack either.
i could nearly cry. i remember very clearly that when i was drinking, i would get into quite a snit about the state of the apartment. I’d feel so overwhelmed with mess and stuff. i would announce very judgmentally, with a glass of wine in hand, that surfing the internet should be a reward for AFTER the chores are done, not before. Then what happens? As soon as i’m alone, i surf the internet, hang out on facebook, and finally get shit done at 11 pm.
ok. so there’s a remnant or two from my drinking personality that i’m still carrying over. i’ll be 20 months sober in 3 days. This realization about my crappiness wouldn’t have made much sense to me when i was on day 30. But here, now, i can see that the patterns of communication, expectations, implied standards, and RULES that i had when drinking… well, it’s time to dismantle them. oh my god the rules i had. rules about cleaning that would somehow keep my over-boozing from showing.
and now? the rules? they’ve gotta go. i mean the booze is gone. it’s time for the rest of it to go too.
note: kindness welcome. no comments about me being controlling. (how controlling is that!). i’m just too tired and teary for much of that. here, let me control how i want this to go. my blog, my rules. i declare it. jesus a girl has to have some place where things are controllable! so here goes: no comments about me being controlling (!) or being codependent (!) or anything else crappy. just not for today, OK? I’ll be better prepared to take crap tomorrow. If you can’t relate to this post, or if you can’t think of anything nice to say, or you think i’m plain wacko, you can just write “pat, pat” 🙂