a truly brain-squishing day today. busy getting thing ready for Mr. Belle to move to his new office on monday. I got all the way to the big grocery store which i put off doing (three trains to get there!) and it was closed for renovations. for two weeks. came home to complain. said to Mr. B “I’m in a bad place right now.”
then he looks at me. what’s so bad about today?
i could see him looking at me. i said “i’ll make a list of the good things. I ran today and yesterday. it’s sunny. i’m tired … no wait, a positive list. i have an empty inbox. i am caught up with job #1. i’m ready for a nap …”
i think i’m going through some weirdness. we’ve been living and working together in a very small space for 2.5 years, and on Monday he’s leaving. I am craving the silence and grieving his absence. i am anticipating getting a lot more focussed work done, and i’m sure i’ll watch the clock all day waiting for him to come home.
and just like everything in sobriety, all of my worries or fears are worse in anticipation than they are in reality. Flying sober? easier than i thought. sober vacations? quite delightful actually. time away from my husband every day so that i can actually miss him? priceless.
somewhere swirling in this mess of weirdness this afternoon, right when i returned from the closed grocery store, i had a feeling like “emailing people about their sobriety doesn’t actually help them. it looks like help, but really it’s smoke and mirrors and attention seeking behaviour and narcissism.” some nice “fuck-it” thinking for good measure. why not. it’s friday.
But then i get an email like this from C: “Thanks Belle. These emails are a beacon.”
and i think… are they? I mean, are they really? i cannot imagine (any more) what it’s like to be on the other end of this. i can only see what it’s like to be me. i seem to have (temporarily?) lost the ability to see this from any other perspective. this isn’t a plea for “we love you” type comments, it’s more a reflection of how i can lose the plot, have a weird afternoon, then go to bed and (certainly) reset tomorrow. it’s nothing to drink over. it’s just a reset. like my compass started to spin round-and-round. and i need a north star to align with.
(really? dramatic much? all this because the grocery store was closed? well, here’s why i care. i wanted to do a big grocery order today (not saturday) so that i have food to make lunches for Mr. B for next week. Now, instead, i fear he may be eating pb+j … of course he doesn’t care … oh fuck, i can see now, i’ve self-created this tempest, and there isn’t one. There is in fact no problem here at all. Give him $5 and tell him to buy lunch. Oh fuck, now i see it. this really this is about my perfectionism and the NERVE of the fucking store to be closed when i was counting on it, and it ruined my day. Yeah nice. I clearly need to get a grip. holy.).
<rant finished> and only as i was typing that last paragraph did i figure out what my problem is.
the world didn’t go the way i wanted it to go today. a store was closed. i feel like it ruined my day. yeah. nice self-centred attitude!
so i will prescribe a bath. and some chocolate. and to sleep 12 hrs.
coming right up.
Mr. B? while you’re still here, can you fetch me a treat? i promise to be really sweet afterwards… i might even share.