backpack of rocks

from me:

“Dear SD: I had no big ‘bottom’ with my drinking. My life was *fine* on the outside … but on the inside, i knew it was only a matter of time.

Trying to think your way through sobriety is so hard, because often our thinking is muddled and full of wolfie. Really, all you can do is ‘get through it’… you’re on day 98 today, that’s already a huge achievement.

You may be wondering “what now” but really the answer is keep doing what you’ve been doing.  It’s working. You’re sober.  You maybe are looking around wondering why this is so hard, why did it take you so long, why are you such a fuck-up. You might think you’re supposed to be doing something differently.

You aren’t. You’re sober.

It might be time to figure out a sober hobby now that you’re 100 days. Before it was too confusing, but now you can begin to explore a bit.

Oh. And you can put down the backpack of rocks now.  (Not sure if you’ve done my sober jumpstart class, i think the backpack is in lesson #1 or it might be in the intro).

hugs, me”

[and today SD is on day 100!]


Happy Day 50 to Melinda!

Happy Day 50 to KeviKev!

Happy Day 100 to Debs!

Happy Day 100 to James!

Happy Day 100 to SignGurl!

Happy Day 100 to SD!

Happy Day 100 to Moon Alley!

Happy Day 100 to Jeannie Yogini!

Happy Day 200 to LD!

Happy Day 200 to Donna!

Happy Day 200 to Laurie!

Happy Day 200 to BST!


I want to put this online, to hold myself accountable. I want to document the noise in my head. I'm tired of thinking about drinking. date of last drink: june 30, 2012

  • I’m at work on the morning of Day 10 of my 100 Day Challenge. The longest I ever had was around 3 months, over 3 years ago.

    In terms of “bottoms”, in AA there are “high bottoms” and “low bottoms”. Everyone has a “bottom”. It all depends on what you consider to be the point in your life when you realize that you must stop drinking alcohol for whatever your reason, be it physical, emotional, or spiritual.

    If you still have your life: job, home, family, health, then you are probably “high bottom”. If you crawl out from under a bush somewhere, then you are probably “low bottom”.

    I am “high bottom”. I still have my job and my home, and am reasonably healthy. I am bad with relationships, however. Put me in a room full of men and I will be attracted to the one with the most problems. So for the past 3 years since my last divorce (I’ve had 3 now) I have made the conscious decision to not seek out any romantic relationships. I’ve never been happier!

    Of course, I was drunk all the time when not at work, but didn’t have to put up with someone else’s drunk ass! So I just worked on me; finding me; doing for me.

    Me, me, me. How selfish! Too bad! I spent too much of my life being who someone else wanted me to be. Now it’s just who I want to be.

    I went back to school…online. It’s really easy to do school online while drinking. At least it was for me. I even managed to graduate with decent grades. Now I’m in graduate school online. but now, at least for these 10 days, I’m sober!

    I love it! I also love that I have managed to lose a few pounds (no beer!!) in spite of the chocolates I’ve been inhaling.

    I dont really have any hobbies, but always wanted to try yoga and Ti Chi, so I joined a local studio and have started learning these very calming practices.

    I cooked a baked ziti and divided it up into several servings and brought it to work to share with my coworkers.

    I made a “Job Jar” for all the piddly-little things that need doing that I keep putting off or forget about and will tackle one a week. I’ve made some lunch dates with friends I haven’t seen in a while. I already know they don’t drink, so I know I won’t be either.

    There is a life that is sober. Just look around! You will find it!



    • Darcy, I loved reading your comment. You sound like you are doing things slowly and steadily, which is what I am attempting to do. Everyday brings me a bit more serenity, a bit more confidence , and a little more ambition. I am on day 25 today , which is not a lot, ( I slid back after 14 months sober) but my life has changed so much for the better. I credit a lot of that to the sober blogs and podcasts that I turn to often during my day. I, too felt like I was carrying a bag of rocks around. Sometimes the constant thinking of drinking would paralyze me. I literally could not do anything, until I became almost robot- like, get into my car and go get the bottle. Then the hiding, sneaking, getting sloppy till I passed out. Not a life…..
      Today the sun is shining, yoga is completed, and I look forward to accomplishing small goals and crossing them off my list! This is a life! Marydean

  • Way to go SD. Agreed Tom. I put a lot of pressure on myself. I must have picked up the bag of rocks again. Putting it down now thanks!

  • Well done SD and everyone in the list. And thanks for sharing that Belle. Perfect timing for me as I’m struggling today with thinking that I should be happier, I should be doing more now I’m sober. I certainly have been thinking I should be doing something different! Putting lots of pressure on myself to somehow change into a super-human because I’m not drinking. I know it’s rubbish but it’s so easy to not realise I’m doing it.

    • thanks tom. it does seem to be pretty common. if we’re sober then we’re already doing ‘a lot’ : ) we need rest, treats, small bits of cleaning up, with frequent rests. oh, and tea. and maybe some cake.