From my inbox:
Primrose: “Listened to your Thanksgiving open phone call. One great point I took away from it was when you said, quite close to the end, ‘ask for support from people who know how to support you’ – i.e. from other people who are going through or have been through the same experiences as you. This was like a plank on the head for me, as I have been feeling let down that my husband is not the person cheerleading me. I have only got this far by mentioning it to him as little as possible. But he has always been a moderate drinker and can’t understand how I’m not. So he is the WRONG PERSON for me to look to for support! CLANG!”
Indeed. My wife actually was angry that I found support with other alcoholics she wanted to support me and thought I was turning my back on her. It took time to explain how it works. She doesn’t necessarily get it but she accepts it now.
I would just like to add that it was a huge relief to me to realise this and move on from it. After all I don’t join in his agonising over the ups and downs of his football team – I don’t ‘get’ that either. Whereas to him it is really important. (Not as important as me, obv!) And he has been supportive in the very occasional conversations we have had about it. Someone said (perhaps on Belle’s blog?) that after all our other halves haven’t immersed themselves in the sober blogs and comments like we have, so we can’t expect them to understand.
I decided AA was too inconvenient a source of ‘real life’ sober buddies, but if I found that becoming increasingly important I would try it, as some other folks on here are doing.
Also there is a stage you go through where getting sober is so all-consuming, then perhaps around 30 -60 days it eases off a bit, and so you don’t feel as if it is the elephant in the room that NO-ONE IS MENTIONING!
good luck all! xxx
So true Primrose and One Day at a Time.
Congratulations all–those are some impressive numbers!
Day 80 for me tomorrow and I too am struggling to find a closer to home support system.
I am lucky in that my husband makes an effort on nearly a daily basis to comment on how proud he is of me and that he thanks god everyday that I somehow found the strength within myself to choose to stop drinking. Mind you he still partakes in the occasional cocktail.
I’ve tried attending AA meetings but felt no genuine connections. I have to give them credit though, they certainly tried. Maybe I’m to much of private person, I haven’t even told my mother I’ve stopped. PS. I come from a long line of drinkers.
All that being said, I know I need to find a Kindred Sober Buddy or at least a second in command. It’s not fair to hubby now is it?
Oh this really rings true for me too!! My biggest support is my tee-totaller 20 year old son (am I the reason he decided not to drink? He says not but I have to wonder…) Sadly he is not at home all the time and hubby just doesn’t get it at all 🙁
It’s strange that those closest to you aren’t the best ones to support you. I have that with my husband. He doesn’t show much interest either. I keep wanting to shout AREN’T YOU PROUD OF WHAT I’M DOING? I did ask him once and he just looked a bit sheepish and didn’t know what to say. He thinks I should be able to drink a couple of beers with him on a Friday night and then put the kettle on. He just doesn’t get that I can’t do that. It’s a funny situation to be in. We have our online support here, but other than that I feel as though I’m waiting for somebody else to realise that they need to stop drinking too, so that I have a real AF buddy to swap stories with.