step right up. for one day only, i’m creating an anonymous sober confession booth about SEX. Yes, i’ve got something running through my head and i thought, OK, let’s blog about it. and really, it’s amazingly hard to talk about sex even when we’re quasi-anonymous online. And so then i thought, OK, let’s make it 100% anonymous, me included.
I’ve done this twice before about confessions of things done while drinking, and about forgiveness.
So here’s the deal.
1. Post a comment below.
2. For this to work you MUST leave your name and your email and your website address BLANK in the comments form (if you forget, i’ll go in and delete that info manually). all comments are to be anonymous. one of the comments will be from me, you just won’t know which one.
3. I have no way of personally knowing who posts what. Promise.
4. In your comment, write two or three sentences (max.) about something about sex that you think is ONLY your problem and that probably no one else has the same problem as you do. For example, i’ll make one up: “I can’t initiate sex when sober but i used to be able to when drinking” … OR … “i worry that i’m the only person who has x problem now that i’m sober.”
5. Then take a second and post ONE anonymous ‘reply’ to one of the other comments already posted, and say something comforting, consoling, forgiving, kind. In fact, it would simply help if you said “i have this problem, too.”
i have a feeling that this will unfold in a lovely way. because you’re all lovely people. and we all have sex shit that we can’t talk about.
PS. if your name/email automatically shows up when you start to enter a comment, you can manually delete them OR you can ‘log out’ of your blogging profile.
“Sober sex is like dancing without booze”. It’s hard to get your groove going at first, but once you get moving to the beat it feels good and you don’t care who’s watching you!
Being sober, sex has changed for me. Feeling connected to my hubby of 25 yrs, then it’s great. Not feeling connected…no go! I felt bad about myself when I quit drinking. You know, all the guilt, shame and disappointment piled up and now that I wasn’t drinking those feelings away, I was faced with it all. So therefore I couldn’t reach out to him and connect.
Personally for me, I miss the booze induced fun sex with my hubby. Booze turned off my serious, list making brain, and Mom mode and I really enjoyed ‘the ride’. I never blacked out for sex, so I remember it all. It was like a mini vacation!
So now I’m left feeling like it’s time to get back out on that dance floor and groove! I’m feeling better about myself and it’s been long enough to feel like I am truly making good changes in my/our lives. But how? Right now I’m trying to plan some secret mystery dates to spice things up with hubby.
Sometimes I wonder if it was the drinking or if it’s just normal to feel this after 25+ years of marriage with the same man? It’s not that I want another dance partner, I just don’t really want to dance anymore. But I’m not 100 years old…so maybe a slow waltz to start?
I’ve been married for over 25 years too and we reached a working situation after my sister died and I was emotionally unavailable to anyone for a few months: He takes care of his needs quietly, compassionately and without fanfare. He provides his sexual release while we still have a super marriage. Arthritis in my hips over the last several-many, by now I guess-years made it very uncomfortable to spread my legs far enough to allow him any kind of access to the prize! We are there for each other in every way-like most good marriages I suspect, and we have been fortunate to find a workable situation that fits us both.
Thanks for this…it’s reassuring to know that others have strong marriages despite the sex thing.
My libido is lower than my spouse’s, so years ago we made a compromise. We have sex twice a week, on Wednesday and Sunday. It sounds unromantic and unsexy, but it works well for us. He doesn’t have to stress about his overtures being rejected. I don’t have to stress about feeling guilty for rejecting. It’s just something we can both look forward to without drama.
When I stopped drinking, I was weirded out by sober sex for a little while. But I agree that sober orgasms are easier and better.
wwwwwwwwaaaaa
I think sex is better without alcohol. It feels much better and with practice, and plenty of it, the inhibitions begin to fade! I’m fortunate to have a partner that doesn’t drink. We can be as crazy as we want! Only we will know!!
My partner is sober too. So nice to both be present for the fun!
Prefer the control of self pleasure/ masturbation in sobriety…less complicated. Is that selfish?
I used to meet up with my ex-boyfriend’s roommate to have sex in my car. One time I was so drunk that he had to hold my legs while I threw up naked out of the open car door. I think I then drove off over a tree stump and ripped my car bumper off. So yeah, I choose awkward sober sex anyday of the week over that.
Love reading this!! I have the best orgasim sober…..can’t have one if I was drinking. Weird ,huh? I’ve been having sex with my hubby since I was 15 ( can’t believe I just typed that!) Now I’m 39 so we’ve had sex alooootttt! If I was drinking I liked good kinky sex ( unless I was at the sloppy drunk stage) I was daring . But when hubby would mention the next morning ” wow, that was good last night.” Sometimes I couldn’t remember even having sex !!! Damn it!! Now that I’m sober it’s quality not quantity sex. I do have to work to get my head in the game & turn off my to do list. But the result when you do are amazing!!! Yay for sober sex, great orgasims & remembering it the next morning!!
I do agree with the comment about reading sexy books. I read erotic books & it helps a lot!! Shades of Grey started that for me! 😉
I loved sex and sexual stuff as a 17 year old/ teenager. When I left home I expected to re create great sexeverywhere but it seemed it was never really good again. I forced it too quickly and focused on others needs. This was also around the time I began drinking more. In my current relationship, I refused to have sex when either if us was drunk a long time ago because I was so turned off by my partners drunkeness and couldn’t relate if I was drunk. Sex was ok for a long time but never really what i thought it could be. I want it,but it seems so difficult for it to happen naturally and spontaneously . Lately, I actually cringe at the idea of being touched sexually, an outcome from some sober self reflection and getting I touch with a historic discomfort . I still have hope that I can have great sex again sometime.
Gosh, that was an interesting thread … followed by tiny little gifts of fruit. Belle, you are one of a kind
My last relationship began as a result of my drinking too much. I was trying to fill a hole in my heart with alcohol and a man I would not have had sex with if sober. I continued this because we both enjoyed drinking and he always had a good supply of wine at his house. The sex was not even that good.
When I’m drinking I have amazing, creative, kinky , fun sex. Im never ashamed of my tummy, my thighs, my plus size body. I’m so afraid that the inhibitions and body hate I feel when I’m sober will never go away and I’ll never enjoy srx the same way again.
That’s exactly how I feel.
In my younger years, I had a very strong libido and really enjoyed sex. After marriage and children, it began to dwindle for a variety of reasons. Now, after 60 and following menopause, it is painful and the libido is dead. My husband adores me and is always ready, but also patient with me. I want very much to feel that physical sensation again. I know there are products that can help, I haven’t been able to get my head around that yet. Too much info?
No, not too much info at all. I am a bit younger than you but in a broadly similar position. I have taken the plunge and made a doctors appointment to discuss HRT and hope this will help. Good luck!
You know, I had always been really uncomfortable with my body and used alcohol as a way to numb that discomfort while having sex. Even when I was in a long-term relationship with someone who told me I was beautiful and sexy. I don’t know what clicked, but it really took me getting to be comfortable with my body to enjoy sex. Now I’m pretty uninhibited and I lovelovelove it. Sex is awesome. I wish I had more of it, but I’m single and don’t want to randomly sleep with people I don’t know. Most of the time, the other person is just excited to have a naked girl in their bed and are really happy that they’re having sex. So am I! And I’m a plus-size lady with bumps and scars and pimples and random hairs and awesome breasts and wide hips and long sexy legs, and I’ve never loved myself more.
Good for you! I’m a plus sized woman too. I cannot wrap my head around loving my body.
I had weight loss surgery 7 years ago and lost over 200 pounds. Alcohol gave me a way to allow me to have uninhibited sex and not worry about the excess skin and other abnormalities resulting from years of morbid obesity.
I want to be able to let go of my inhibitions soberly.
I think it has really helped to focus on their excitement, and *believe* it. 🙂
I’ve never had sober first time sex with anyone. Was always loaded to be able to deal. Never felt fully comfortable in my own skin, have a big scar from surgery on my lower back and I always felt super self conscious about it – so how to deal with that was drink at least a few before….
Now that I’m sober, no idea how I’ll handle it as I’m not in a relationship now. I sometimes wonder if being a non-drinker will be a deal breaker in meeting new people / potential boyfriends…. I was dating this guy – just went out a couple of times and he ended it when I got honest and told him I wasn’t just taking “a break” from drinking but that I really cannot drink anymore. He told me – get this — he was a bit of a champagne connoisseur and that this wasn’t going to “work” with me because he couldn’t share that with me – and also the craft beers he likes to drink. Ouch.
Ouch is right but he is not worth another second of your time. I was married to an alcoholic for 20 years and I was essentially his drinking buddy. I have big regrets about staying so long in such a dysfunctional relationship. Now after being divorced for 14 years I am realizing my own addiction. A big fat mantra in my head is “take care of yourself”. The right person will come along when the time is right for you!
Libido comes and goes. Wish I could figure out what fueled it. I’m sure being well-rested is a big part of it. I know taking care of my body (eating well/exercising) helps me feel sexy. If I don’t feel sexy, I don’t want sex and steer things towards just hugs, snuggling and talking. If I’m feeling sexy, I feel amazing and want my husband big time.
I have accepted sex rather than love and always while drinking. I didn’t have a father. I have a boyfriend now and I have not told him about my pledge. It is a long distance relationship and it will all be apparent when I am there for Christmas. I wonder what the sex will be like???????
I’ve always accepted sex instead of love as, well. What a mind fuck that can be! I’m hoping that as I’m finding my sober self I can also open myself up to the true intimacy that creates amazing sex. Hope Christmas goes well .
I sometimes wonder if other people have amazing, fulfilling sex lives and I’m the only one who doesn’t. I have never had a great sexual experience, not once, with anyone. It’s all very ho-hum. I think maybe I should be more ‘adventurous’ but I’m too embarrassed to talk about it with my partner.
I used to love sex, but being a woman in her early 50’s, it has become a chore. I wish I didn’t feel this way. I also wish that their was some magical cure to feel passionate again. It is an integral part of our relationship, and it is important to both of us, but I feel so disconnected now.
I had a real shocker about 3 years ago when husband confessed to a year-long affair- partly because we had sex so infrequently. This is what initially propelled me into therapy, which we did both together and separately, as well a seeing a sex-therapist. And probably started the sequence of events that got me interested in sobriety. As far as sex: Night and day difference for me. It’s gone from being something painful, to be avoided, to something I enjoy, initiate and celebrate. So for each of you struggling with feeling desirable, with enjoying sex, especially when sober: There’s hope!
Oh please share with us what happens in sex therapy…
Wow, I find that surprising about it being better sober…
Ok, theses are just depressing. We apparently have very little experience with sex unless we’re numbed by alcohol, we let it mess with our brain, dull our senses and then we Think we have great sex. We’re pathetic.
This just made me laugh out loud
Please keep the comments kind and helpful, or I’ll remove them. If you create a feeling of shame or embarrassment then no one will share.
Maybe I took the original comment wrong–but I looked at the heavy use of “we” and took it more as an acknowledgement of what Wolfie has done to our lives–including our sex lives-and not as anything meant to induce shame or embarrassment. Maybe the poster should have said Wolfie is pathetic–because we know we aren’t.
In my 20’s alcohol tricked me into thinking I was powerful sexually. Then 30’s it made me more comfortable with initiating and enjoying (or so I thought). By 40’s alcohol just numbed everything including interest in real, intimate sex. I am still working toward finding this intimacy, connection and pure joy. I just cannot quite find the map as I am creating it as I go forward with no previous sober experience. Insights and ideas are really welcome especially if you are reading this and saying, yes, that is exactly how I felt and here is what I did. Thanks for reading.
I only had passionate sex was when I had a drink. Sober I’m so concerned about whether it is good or right and that I’m not being abusive at all that I just lose all passion in the equation
Sex has never been better. It’s like I’m in my 20’s again. To anonymous with the voice of shame, if God didn’t want you to have sex he wouldn’t have made us sexual beings. Anyway if I look back I could feel guilt about one night stands and unprotected sex, but I’m over that. It’s over, I was lucky, move on. For anon who’s not interested, try some erotic romance novels to improve the mood, it will help your relationship. Just call me Dear Abby.
I am just not interested in sex. I really never have been. I do it (infrequently) because I know it helps my relationship. But if it was up to me, I’d have sex maybe one or twice a year.
I am the same!
Me too. Asexuality has come a bit more to the fore and is being recognized as a real way of living. There are those who just prefer not to have sex at all with anyone-maybe even themselves… and that’s ok.
Sex has always been difficult for me. One of the reasons I loved alcohol was it helped me ignore that “voice of shame” that always whispered to me.
That’s me, too. I have and enjoy sexualize feelings, just not with other people involved. I love to hug and kiss others but that’s all that appeals to me.
I agree with the difficult bit – same for me, since sober I’ve never been comfortable with it