the good news and the other good news. cardiologist told me that i’m much improved, he’s going to adjust my medication upwards a bit, and that some of my crappy symptoms are caused by worrying about having a heart problem!
Frankly, i was relieved to hear this.
i might be the only person on the planet who’s relieved to hear that they are having a problem with anxiety combined with a heart issue!
you see, anxiety and i are old friends. She hasn’t been around for a while, but i’m familiar with her ways. that sick feeling, panic, guts churning, feeling like i’m going to faint. “I feel terrible,” I say to the cardiologist, sprawled in his office chair. He gets up from behind his desk, comes around, checks my heart rate. Some of this is anxiety, he says. And i’m like “oh that’s good news. I’m not going to have a heart attack?” and he says no.
“am i going to fully recover from this heart rate episode and go back to normal, caffeine, sex, and running?” Yes, with medication. “will i need to be zapped?” no.
So then i sit up. cuz if the worst part of this is worrying about having a heart rate issue, then ladies and gentlemen, i know what to do. I have to breathe, calm my thinking, wait, and STAY HERE (see this and this). I have to not panic when i feel faint on the subway. I’m not going to actually pass out. I’m just having a ‘moment’.
now i’m home again, have had something to eat, a cup of mint tea, an apple. And yes indeed i do feel fine. better than fine actually. cuz now I know … i’m not going to get any worse.
And at times of stress I am my own worst enemy.
[Edit: sorry, to clarify … the anxiety is new, and is only because of the heart problem. I do have a real heart thingy, but the cardiologist says that worrying about it makes it worse. so now I can relax…]
Happy 100 days to Victoria 🙂
Happy 500 days sober to me. may there be cake that is baked by someone else in my future. Husband? can you get right on that?