at times of stress I am my own worst enemy


the good news and the other good news. cardiologist told me that i’m much improved, he’s going to adjust my medication upwards a bit, and that some of my crappy symptoms are caused by worrying about having a heart problem!

Frankly, i was relieved to hear this.

i might be the only person on the planet who’s relieved to hear that they are having a problem with anxiety combined with a heart issue!

you see, anxiety and i are old friends. She hasn’t been around for a while, but i’m familiar with her ways. that sick feeling, panic, guts churning, feeling like i’m going to faint. “I feel terrible,” I say to the cardiologist, sprawled in his office chair. He gets up from behind his desk, comes around, checks my heart rate. Some of this is anxiety, he says. And i’m like “oh that’s good news. I’m not going to have a heart attack?” and he says no.


“am i going to fully recover from this heart rate episode and go back to normal, caffeine, sex, and running?” Yes, with medication. “will i need to be zapped?” no.


So then i sit up. cuz if the worst part of this is worrying about having a heart rate issue, then ladies and gentlemen, i know what to do. I have to breathe, calm my thinking, wait, and STAY HERE (see this and this). I have to not panic when i feel faint on the subway. I’m not going to actually pass out. I’m just having a ‘moment’.

now i’m home again, have had something to eat, a cup of mint tea, an apple.Β  And yes indeed i do feel fine. better than fine actually. cuz now I know … i’m not going to get any worse.

And at times of stress I am my own worst enemy.


[Edit: sorry, to clarify … the anxiety is new, and is only because of the heart problem. I do have a real heart thingy, but the cardiologist says that worrying about it makes it worse. so now I can relax…]


Happy 100 days to Victoria πŸ™‚

Happy 500 days sober to me. may there be cake that is baked by someone else in my future. Husband? can you get right on that?


I want to put this online, to hold myself accountable. I want to document the noise in my head. I'm tired of thinking about drinking. date of last drink: june 30, 2012

  • Belle, 500 days is an awesome milestone to mark. Congrats, my far away friend in sober-land. May the next 500 be as fulfilling and successful as these past ones have been.

  • Anxiety is a strange beast. I, too, have met her recently, and thought I did have a serious heart problem. Nope, turned out for me, it was just anxiety. I hate it. My sister has always had it – she’s been the crazed intense one in our family – I’ve always been the calm one. Gee, could it be a result of drinking and wanting to stop drinking???? Noooooooo!!!(yes).
    Congrats, Belle. I’m in your corner, still, even though I’ve been in and out of your life the past few months. Day 10, going strong.

  • Woo Hoo 500 Days…. That is a lot of days! So glad the MD said all is ok. Take your meds and try not to stress πŸ™‚ easy right??

    Mr Belle….. Hope your on that cake… Something real special for our girl!!

    Enjoy every bite!

  • Belle, 500 days is wonderful. You really are inspiring all of us learners out here. Now it’s time to turn down the volume on that anxiety and prepare for cake-eating. And lots of it. Proud of you. X

  • Phew, it’s only anxiety. And i’m back in control, you say?!
    That doesn ‘t mean you are off the hook! Make sure you make time to take care of you. Just cause it’s not gonna kill ya right now doesn’t mean you can park it. Please tell me that you are making changes too, to look after you.
    Happy 500 days!!!!! I can ‘t believe I have been reading your blog for that long?!
    It’s been awesome, thank you for sharing…you are a legend!
    Love Carrie xx

    • the anxiety is new, and is only because of the heart problem. I do have a real heart problem, but he says the anxiety is making it worse. so now I can relax… I have edited the post above, sorry, i realize now i wasn’t very clear …

      • Long as you are ok and feeling better. I am so glad it’s sorted. I hope you’ve celebrated your 500 days..I love all the milestones, they are so rewarding, if you let yourself indulge, which we should!
        Big huge hugs!

  • β˜…β˜…β˜…β˜…β˜…β˜…β˜…β˜…β˜…500β˜…β˜…β˜…β˜…β˜…β˜…β˜…β˜…β˜…

  • Congratulations on your 500 days AF!! Anxiety can creep in if we let it at any time. My stressors lately – my kids, well teenagers. I meditate and breathe and try to gain perspective by removing myself from the situation at times (taking a time out if you will). Glad to hear you are feeling better with the confirmation from the cardiologist.

  • so glad that you are relieved about your heart. yes anxiety can be a bitch. so good that you are aware and can act accordingly.
    500 days! You are amazing and such an inspiration, thank you.

  • “And at times of stress I am my own worst enemy.” So very very true. Anxiety and stress are royal bitches. Congratulations on 500 days! You are an inspiration. I want to be like you. Sending you virtual cake and hugs!