L (day 111): “I do know that all my life I have felt lonely and sad, deep unendingly sad. I know that I was never enough: I never had enough parental attention, I never felt smart or pretty enough, I never felt content and at peace. In relationships, I craved total devotion and adoration, nothing less. And when I drank, I always wanted more. If there was only one glass of wine in a bottle, I often would not even touch it, knowing it was not enough to satisfy.”
holy god, when i got this message from L, i thought “yes. that’s me. that’s me too. all of it.”
me too, i craved total devotion. I used to joke and say “I need to be in a relationship with a man who adores me. I know what i need. that’s just who i am.” except it’s not a joke, and i never really ever stopped to think about WHY i was like that.
Lack of parental attention, sure. I certainly was never pretty enough. i did feel smart enough but that often swung to smug arrogance.
I certainly wasn’t rich enough. While the girl at school had new nike sneakers, i had zellers store brand. She lived in a big house with more than one floor that had intercoms. We lived in government subsidized housing. She had an actual canopy bed like on television. I had mice in my bedroom. She got a car for her 16th birthday. We didn’t own even one car, we took the bus. She went to florida for vacation, and to Montreal to see the olympics (1976). we rode the bus to the library with money taken from coat pockets. I created events out of construction paper and tape.
fuck. no wonder. I mean no fucking wonder. of course that person, that little girl who was me, grows up “emotionally self-sufficient’ (to quote cat girl). no wonder that little girl doesn’t easily ask for help. no wonder she sees what real help looks like once she begins to get sober and find this whole world of sober blogging help available.
no wonder sobriety turns this girl’s life upside down. no wonder this girl’s life is dramatically improved by being sober. she’s unearthed a whole support system that has — up until now — simply not been available to her. not ever. not once.
And she’s learned to be her own lighthouse. and she’s figured out that asking for help (and getting it, and accepting it) might be the key to life.
No wonder sober is the new black for this girl (to quote carrie).
I’m finally figuring out who i am, in this new world, where I am enough, i have enough love and support.
so … what’s next? Take over the world, of course! well it’s about time….
Team 100 update: 334 members, welcome to Primrose (7), Ozgal (2), KG (3), Curly (4), Bad (1). Happy day 100 to Tami! Happy days to Meka (90), Jo (80), Carolyne (60), TipTree (50), Anne T (50), Lou (50), Mo (40), Kathleen (40), Kris (10). And me, i’m on day 498. holy that’s a big number. i guess i’ll have to have cake on day 500.