tired. sleepy. dark evenings. dark mornings. friday night i went to bed and slept 12 hrs. hibernation. i’m such a sun girl, these grey days just send me to sleep 🙂 well, at least i’m not hung over, drinking, feeling shitty, worrying, wondering if i’ll ever be able to quit.
in the past weeks i’ve written about my new dream of one day having a physical bakery space (like graduating out of my home kitchen into a real store). I said: “there are no bakeries in bottles” and then Cat Girl (51) sent me this: “I shall think: there are no puppies or husbands or diving holidays or book deals or triathlons or belly laughter in bottles.”
I’ve also said, “I am sober so that i can have a bakery” and then Matt (7) sent me this: “I choose my wife … she is my sober bakery, I cannot keep her if I am drinking and I KNOW this, she will leave, so I will not drink.”
when newly sober, we often focus on giving up booze, instead of focussing instead on what we GET. So what do you get? What might happen to you in your life if you are sober? What is your ‘sober bakery’? Rebecca is sober so she can write a book. what about you?
from my inbox:
ErinUp (120): “I love how you listen and acknowledge and how you don’t sugarcoat. It reminds me to be more honest with myself. I feel like when you post something I have written that you *get me*. I guess if I went to AA or some other support group they would probably *get me* too. But at this point it’s just not my thing. It’s a cool thing for others, but I’m good with the path I am on.”
Laurie (82): “Yesterday afternoon I had a crisis — by crisis, I mean things didn’t go my way. I am not going to say what happened because it is really so minor and I am embarrassed to think of how upset I got by it. Anyway, the first thing that popped into my mind was “I need a drink!” and then “This is the perfect excuse for a glass of wine” and “Only wine will make this better.” We went to a restaurant and sat just feet away from the bar. I actually thought about being on Day 82 and how close I was to 100 and how it was just amazing I had made it this far but how it would soon be over. I wanted a glass of wine. I needed a glass of wine! But I ordered hot tea with lemon and honey (thinking I may still need a glass of wine in a minute.) I sipped and looked out the window, chatted and laughed, and calmed down. I didn’t have alcohol but was oh so close. How can it be that after 82 days I am still vulnerable to an impulse? Well, my new motto is “tea first.” Hopefully, I will never need to go any further.” (she’s on day 105 now!)
SL: “What I learned from this: take it easy for 30 days. Don’t try to do it all — I’m an all or nothing person. I know it’s stupid and it doesn’t work. Stuck in that cycle, and booze has allowed me to stay stuck in all or nothing. When I feel overwhelmed by *all*, I use booze to do *nothing*. I don’t have to be an all or nothing person.”
Team 100 update:
318 members, welcome to Carrie Kaffer (6), Dr L (3), Jec (9), Pinky (3), Chay (3). Happy days to Rose Garden (101), Donna (105), SoberMom (80), Christina (80), Nic (70), CB (60), Dale (50), Lex (30), Katie (21), Erin Elisabeth (20), Forchalon (10), Dennis (10), Lawyer Anne (210), Mr. Belle (201). KT (190), Paula (160).
Don’t have a sober bakery. Should probably get one though….
To be the best Mum that I can be and give my family a wonderful home whereveveryone is safe and loved.
Cheesy but true!
“What did I get?” All that I have is mine because, and only because, I am sober. My husband knew me when I was not sober and he refused to even ask me out, never mind fall in love and spend the rest of our lives together. He watched closely for my first two sober years and then stepped up, spoke up and the rest is history. It was Thanksgiving weekend 1986 that we started our relationship. Our kids were sixteen years and sixteen months. They are now 43 and 28 with homes and jobs and grandkids of their own now (the older one). None of that would be mine had I continued to drink.
It, a good life, can be yours too I like to remind people in those first lonely hard, cold, dry months; stay the course, do the tough internal work, forgive yourself and move into the light–that’s all I did. And if I can do it anyone can !~! I didn’t go to AA, can’t stand group gropes-not for my pain either-just not a group gal, I guess, and there were no Interwebs then either. Thru close friends who believed in me cuz they knew me sober in between benders I was able to maintain sobriety and get started on a new life that includes good jobs, travel, schooling, friends…all of which I would have never seen thru the bottom of that shot glass.
My sober bakery is sober “ME”! The last 15 months I have gotten “ME” back, that gal who actually is pretty lovely. She’s a better mom, wife, co-worker, daughter, sister, friend, employee, all around human being, she’s calmer, happier, and whine and wine free!!! Honestly, just loving myself well is the biggest gift or goal! 🙂
Saving and more quickly paying off my grad school debt and then, going to Africa! Ok, that is two, and they are very practical (if I don’t spend money on wine, I can spend money on something else!)… I’ve been going to bed as a relief/resort, too, lately…thanks to YOU making me feel like this is OK!
we all need an “OFF” button. sleep is my off button, it’s my pause, it’s my retreat, it’s my break from my swirling brain. AND SLEEP I DO. a lot. often. as much as I can : ) ok, some nights I only get 6 or 7 hrs, but mostly I like 9.5. if I’m sleep deprived, then I can easily do 12 to catch up…
Sleep is the best restorative I have found. It’s in the tippy top drawer of my toolbox and I use it as often as I need to. My late younger brother used to tell me, “You can’t store it up, Lynda!” I’m not sure I believed him then and Iknow for sure that I don’t now. It can be stored and caught up and saved and used as an escape from hard situations. It’s a migraine fighter, a nausea calmer sometimes and a solid rejuvenator always. Rock on Sleep. we love you !~!
I think my bakery is just noticing that the rest of the world exists- it’s not all about Me, My misery, My unhappiness, My stress- which, of course, can only be relieved by wine. Hah. The crazy thing is, I really have a great life: an adorable husband, 3 great almost-grown kids, 3 silly dogs, a profession I love, avocations that feed my soul- So what am I bitching/drinking about? Why have I been hiding in a bottle? I think it’s related to feeling (nevertheless) inadequate, unworthy, undeserving of what I have. The last three years I have been doing hard work with a great therapist, hauling secrets out into the light to disarm them and taming demons. I guess that is now why I finally feel that I might survive from one day to another without the respite of wine-induced oblivion. Whew, that was longer than I anticipated!
12 hours of sleep!? I have never done that in my entire life!
and as for what is ahead?
as Robert Louis Stevenson said-
“The world is so full of a number of things,
I ’m sure we should all be as happy as kings.”
I get to REALLY appreciate the leaves turning color, the snow falling, the flowers blooming, my children and grandchildren growing, all this through sober eyes, no more haze from alcohol. I finally get to really live. That’s a awfully big bakery.
Traveling across the states in an RV for at least a year–hopefully two. Those RV things have NO storage space and REALlY small refrigerators–no room for alcohol/beer. Not to mention I’d like to actually enjoy it/remember it.
There’s a slew of things that are on the horizon as I decide to be 100% sober… writing a book, starting a business, traveling, and most importantly being the best mom I can be to my teen daughters.
these are wonderful goals!