written last night, 11:02 pm
good grief. I just had to listen to one of my own podcasts to calm myself down.
it started with an (innocent?) thought like: “I never really tried moderation and so maybe it’d be good to try it.”
woflie got wicked clever, and said:
“you’ve created a ‘self help group for people who aren’t alcoholics who probably don’t even really have a problem’, just so that they can feel special about themselves (so you can feel special about yourself), when really you could probably moderate and so it’s time to get over yourself and just have a glass of wine.”
and then I thought “holy I need an attitude adjustment.”
and then i listened to the audio about catering wolfie, where I said the only time to be sober is right now. or maybe I said it in the audio before, because I listened to them back to back.
and now I feel better thank god.
I seem to have shut wolfie up by making a deal that I can drink in 2 months if nothing changes (that seems like a random amount of time doesn’t it? – well it’ll put me at 18 months)
and I realize that 2 months is a long time and a lot can happen between now and then.
I want a bakery, and I won’t be able to have one if I’m drinking
something else large is about to happen and I’m going to miss it if I’m drinking
I am sober so that I can have a bakery. I am going to directly link one to the other. It’s a good “reason why” – like why be sober? that’s my why. For tonight, that will have to do.
sober penpal responded last night but i’d already gone to bed (tks sharon):
See I told you how helpful those podcasts were. … I have heard that sober anniversaries can be trigger days. “Sure I’ve been sober for 1 month, 1 year, 5 years, I’m sure I can moderate now.” Do you think your 16 months had anything to do with wolfie talking?
No moderation, one glass is one bottle is two. I’m convinced the wolf hides its babies in wine bottles.
You’ve created a self help group of people who are alcoholics and really have a problem, just so they can have a place to go and a person to talk to who listens to their tales of shame and self loathing. A place where someone has been through it and can offer comfort and advice.
I love your advice about give it a day or a week or 2 months to see what changes.
So it’s time to start building a sober bakery where they don’t serve wolves or assholes or asshole wolves.
Now you can call the bakery Wicked Wise Bad Ass Belle’s
and my response to her this morning when i woke up
and then it’s the next morning and all is well! I’m going to bake some yummies between coaching calls today, and then I’m going to TAKE the baking to a restaurant serving bad baking, and I’m going to say “your baking could taste like this …”
and I’m going to make pumpkin cinnamon rolls maybe with apple and stuff, can’t tell yet.
all is well 🙂
let me close with this.
wolfie, your anus-ness isn’t welcome here. go take your shit somewhere else. I’ve got tools. I can email someone, i can agree to wait, and i can sleep.
we are stronger than you are when we fight as a team.
and wolfie? you can blow me.
Bad ass belle’s bakery…. I like the sound of that.
Ha! Wolfie hides his babies in wine bottles…that’s hilarious! Yes, he and his crew are in the craziest places. Stay Strong !
What I’ve found is the same as Rebecca (great comment, btw!): Sobriety = My Dream, and Drinking = Giving Up My Dream/???. So, what I know now is that drinking was what was holding me back: always being hung, always having no motivation, never having any focus. Never having the balls, never not giving a shit because I am roaring, hear me, hear me?? Drinking takes all that away. Not right away, and maybe not really–BUT, what I do know is that moderation is HARD, and why would I want my “relaxation” or my “escape” to be hard? And so, back I go to seeing it for what it is: If I drink, it will be HARD; and if I drink, I *might* go back to having no balls and no momentum. One day…maybe one day. But not today. And not before I get this stuff done that I want to get done. Deal, wolfie? (You fuckhead.)
“If I drink I might go back to having no balls and no momentum.” For me it’s probably more than “might” … it’s WILL. will go back to wasting entire evenings watching A&E’s Intervention, wishing I could change …
OMG! I used to do the SAME. It was usually when I was hung over, though, and committed for those 24 hours to “never drink like that again” (and, I mean, what else can one do when hung over but watch bad TV?)…
Wolfie says a lot of stuff hoping we will listen and ignore what we KNOW to be the truth about out habits. Moderation works for some-not for me !~! And buddy do I know that or what. I tried with just beer and wine (it’s the hard liquor that’s the problem, Wolfie assured me.) Yeah Right. I just drank more of that lightweight shit faster and more of it. Moderation is for those who can do it. WE CANNOT and we are stronger when we are many. And that We ARE. Many–who look out for each other and play the straight card every single day cuz we know it’s best for us. I too have considered a Single glass of wine, then I smell it and my stomach decides for me that it would be a pukefest if I even tried it. So… onward thru sober living, day by day, week by week.
Just what Carrie said, we are a fucking army now. Getting stronger and larger everyday.
Thanks so much for the post, tonight is my first night going to a restaurant and I need to hear that moderation doesn’t work. I know it doesn’t because I have tried so many times to not drink Monday to Thursday and never more than 3 glasses of wine. If it worked I wouldn’t be reading blogs and writing in my journal on a Saturday morning.
Jean, if you want to join in with the 100 challenge, you can send me an email…
Incredibly powerful post Belle!! Thanks for all you do!!
That Wolfie and his damn “you can moderate” voice. I think that’s the biggest trick he has up his sleeve. Thanks–as others have said–for your honesty. And I am soooo going back to listen to the links. I DO want my BAS/BSS–just have to keep reminding myself of that. Glad you are feeling better today. Can’t wait to hear more about your bakery plans coming together.
I really like your reason why. I think it’s a great idea. I really want to write a best-selling book, which I’m working on right now. Sometimes I tell myself that there are many reasons why I will be successful now (have more time, open to success, better ideas) and sobriety is just one of them.
BUT I think your idea works better: I am sober so that I can write (and handle having the success of) a best-selling book. And you are sober so you can have your bakery.
Suddenly this equation pops up: Sobriety = My Dream (Job/Project/Life/Fill In The Blank) and so does this one: One Drink = Throwing Away My Dream
Thanks for your writing and your honesty. I’m super glad you have the courage to throw it all out there so we can get inspiration, and I’m super glad that because of it, you’ve got some killer support too 🙂 Wolfie doesn’t stand a chance.
If you feel like trying moderation (again!) in two months, I suggest you email, about 300+ people and see how many of them think it’s a fab idea?!
It’s a fucking insane, fucked up, manipulative little shit of a voice but I am afraid it doesn’t stand a chance because we are a fucking army now!
Hugs to you and good luck with the bakery today!!!!! X
ha ha ha ha ha I love it when you repeat me back to me. i mean really. wolfie needs to get a life.
Yeah, Wolfie, don’t you dare mess with our Belle. She’s got buns to make, plans to hatch, calls to make and a bakery to create. 🙂