That girl

“Taking care of people can take a lot out of you and I was definitely using alcohol as a way to deal with stress and wind down after giving so much of myself physically and emotionally” ~ (Azure Sky, day 37)

There’s so much wrapped up in Azure’s one phrase. Why is it that we put other people’s needs ahead of our own? Why is it that we find it so hard to carve out time, rewards, treats, pleasures for ourselves. and why why why oh why is it that our first reflex is to grab a bottle of holy-this-is-going-to-kill-me-sooner-or-later, and then drink to the point of numbness or until we disappear. Really? Wouldn’t a bath be better? OK, maybe i’m feeling particularly testy this morning. Up early. Lots of coffee.

But hey, this idea of “how to recover after giving so much” is on my mind today. I just went through a very big stressful, overwhelming event last week and was very very conscious of having my treats in place, my reward bath every night. And still, once the event was over, and i was super overtired (even after a 2 hr end-of-event-nap), and so i went out for a walk to clear my head. There were three young beautiful people standing in the park, just hanging out under a light post, and they all had open cans of beer. It was 3 in the afternoon.

And my lizard brain said: beer. cold beer. well, even warm beer. good. beer would be good.

I continue to walk. I’m not even a beer drinker. It wasn’t really a ‘craving’, but more of a ‘thought’. But i knew that that kind of thought, in my overtired state, was probably not a very good thing. So i decide to get myself a treat.

I’m standing in the park, and there aren’t any treats there. well, not good ones. I see a guy selling drinks but they’re too expensive. Really, too expensive? paying 2.50 for a can of pop versus sliding downhill into beer. Pick one.

(When my perfectionistic brain gets all excited about the quality or the value of the treat, then i know i’m really in trouble.)

I continue to walk. I find an ice cream vendor. and I never eat ice cream. Never. I just don’t like it enough, and i like to save my calories for other things.

But that’s all there is. And i can see the perfection creeping in. This isn’t the right treat, this isn’t a good enough treat, this the wrong time of day for a treat.

I get in line and order a really delicious homemade coconut ice cream cone. I sit in the park, eat my ice cream, and then continue to walk home. I walk past a bakery and got more treats. and i buy dinner ( take out food makes life easier when exhausted).

This was all Saturday afternoon.

Yesterday, sunday, i did pretty much the same thing.  Got up too early, had treat + treat + lemon bar + treat + pizza + tea + went out for dinner.

Today is monday. I’ll see how i feel today, but i think i’m doing pretty well. feel pretty stable. not spinny, not too tired. I may still need to go to bed early, nap, have a bath mid-day.

This is a new thing for me.  This girl is a new me.  That girl (2 years ago) would have drank all day after the big event to ‘celebrate’ … well, no.  Let’s face it.  That girl wouldn’t have had herself organized enough to cater a wedding. That girl was eating potatoes for dinner. That girl was drinking the cooking wine. That girl was running around looking busy, getting very little done.

This girl eats coconut ice cream and has a nap. This girl gets shit done.

Numbers:

• 260 (number of people in Team 100)
• 100 (number of lemon bars made for wedding catering)
• 70 (number of cucumber sandwiches with the crusts cut off)
• 18 (number of sleeps until I go to London for vacation)
• 100 (number of days Ben has been sober! – hooray hooray for Ben!)