treats and rewards. must. must.

From me:

I am well, but tired. I say that too often. I did not get a mini-vacation this month, or last, saving money, should have done it anyway. I work hard and long and need the time off away from home, not only to rest, but also as a reward to look forward to. I know what makes me ‘tick’ and i need to stop resisting it. I resist giving myself the things i need on a Regular and Consistent basis because … [fill in the blank] … to prove that i can function with less? that I can do it without reward, without recognition (it would be like always working without pay, for free). Why? Why is that such an interesting character trait that i possess?

If i was giving myself more regular rewards, what would that MEAN? That i value myself more. that i’m worth it. that i’m doing hard work and have ‘earned’ it. that life is fun and i need to partake in the funness. That there’s a 3 year old inside me, and if she doesn’t get treats on a regular and consistent basis, she starts to temper tantrum about ‘HOW HARD THIS IS’ even when it isn’t really.

Here’s a treat, i say to her now, let me decide right now what your treats are for today.  After the big catering job of 150 sandwiches and 3 dozen cookies … Im talking to you, inner Belle. I’m serious here. Listen carefully:  go for a run after the catering is picked up even if you’re tired, make meatballs for dinner tonight (no more takeout), turn off the computer at 8 pm, take a bath, be in bed by 9:30 pm. do it. treats and rewards. Must. Must.

*NOTE: I have put together a collection of my blog posts, in chronological order, so you can see where i was on day 18 and see if it’s like where you are! To order the compiled PDF go here.

Notes from my inbox:

Carol: Day 16, halfway to one month which is where I got before, but this time there is no restarting! So many good things happening: going out on my own after only a little over 2 weeks at new job, picked up a difficult sock I was knitting months ago & realized I could easily finish it, you know — just lots of little things that make me happy. Plenty of really difficult things going on too but I’m not falling into the pit of despair, just letting them happen. I don’t have the power to make things different in any of these frustrating situations I’m peripherally involved in with family. In retrospect, all drinking did was sometimes make me act more involved & emotional, justifying my descent into the despair pit. Phew, glad I’m done with that way of coping.

Elle: Day 47, write a couple sentences on why this time is different for me. I’ve been thinking about it for a couple of days, and I keep coming up with the same answer. I don’t know. There wasn’t a drunken night or an excruciating hangover, in fact I can count the number of drinks I’ve had since Christmas on my fingers. I’m just tired of thinking about drinking. “Should I have a drink? Then I can’t drive (my number one rule is I NEVER drink and drive). If I have a drink, will I eat everything in sight? Pick a fight with my son? Will I call someone and babble? Will I wake up at 3AM with a racing heart? Will I drag in the morning and miss taking my dog for her early morning walk? (it is so hard saying no to those big brown eyes).” I guess I’m lazy and it’s just easier to not drink.

Team 100:

Welcome to PJ (day 2). Say hello to Simpson Sister (70), Thirteenpointone (340), Erica (150) and Donna – who has only recently joined Team 100 is in fact 100 days today!