Something tremendously bizarre is happening with me in Month #11. I honestly didn’t figure there was much ‘big growth’ left to do and yet here we are … evolving nearly daily. It’s the weirdest fucking thing. I’m dropping old shit left and right. But not just dropping it… i’m dropping it with ease. The “will I or won’t I” has temporarily stopped. There is just WILL. And it’s WILL without clenching. If that makes any sense. Who the fuck am I? I’m sooo not used to this person!
I think my gloating/smug/superior button is also broken, as of very recently. As a life-long bragger, I just don’t feel comfortable now drawing attention to myself at the expense of someone else. We were out for dinner with a group and three separate times this girl, R., said to me: “take the credit already!” I just sort of shrugged. It was silly stuff like R. said “you ordered the best desserts!” And I answered “the waitress said there were two kinds of dessert pudding and suggested we try both.” R. says: “just take the credit already!” And — apparently — I can’t. Where the hell did THAT come from? My sisters won’t recognize me! I’m 11ish months sober. maybe this is a normal progression. god knows what happens at 13 or 14 months … holy evolution batman!
I can tell you it was not a conscious decision. I didn’t wake up this week and say “let’s try to work on the gloating, OK?” Though i have thought that, a billion times, over the course of my lifetime.
This week, though, it seems to have just (at least temporarily) stopped. On its own. Like, who does that?
Those with lots more sobriety than i have can probably relate to this, in a “pat-me-on-the-head, isn’t she cute” kind of fashion. “yes, belle, stop drinking and slowly ALL of the other bullshit in your life stops. Bullshit around you, AND bullshit spewing from your mouth.”
here’s to a bullshit-free Saturday. no gloating, no bragging, no smug self-satisfaction. Just a good old-fashioned Saturday. Coffee, reading, groceries, spend some time outdoors, some bad TV. Unclenched.
Here’s a Quill-Quotable (she’s on day 11): “The way you and other Team 100 members talk about sobriety (like a comfy lavender hug, like a clear horizon with a cold fresh scent) make me want to keep plugging away and see if I can get the same thing.”
Team 100 update: 102 members, welcome to Meka (3). Happy days to Suzanne (14), Mel (20), Jackie (45), Em (7), Laura (28), Sunny Sue (95), Erica (130), Simpson Sister (50), and Carrie (90).