ack, the days of early sobriety, when your mind is a whirlwind of thoughts. with permission, here’s part of an email from Quillian (when she was on day 2):
My brain simultaneously wants me to know that:
- I don’t have a REAL problem with alcohol like the people I hear from in meetings or read about on blogs, so it’s only worthwhile when they struggle, not when I struggle
- I have a huge problem with alcohol because I should be incredibly ashamed of the shit I’ve done while drunk, it was awful, like seriously I should just sit here and feel like dying of regret for the rest of the day and/or until I actually die. Of regret.
- So I really, really need to stop drinking.
- But I don’t have a REAL problem so it’s not like sobriety is anything to be proud of.
And then I say, Wow, thanks, brain, you’re a real help. Did it ever occur to you that I drink so I don’t have to listen to you?
And then my brain replies, Are you trying to start something? And a chorus of voices in the background is all, Ooooooh, girrrrrrrl, and Oh no she diiiiiiidn’t
And then I wonder if I have actually finally snapped and gone completely around the bend, mental-health wise. And everybody in my skull kind of gets quiet like kids who have noticed their mom is in a mood and don’t want to attract any wrathful attention. The voices went away! I must be fine. Totally sane.
Then I pretend to work for a little while and try not to notice how unproductive I am being, because heaven knows my brain will have opinions about THAT too …
Still sober today. WHETHER OR NOT THAT IS LAUDABLE. I guess I can figure that one out later? And for now just BE it, regardless of merit.
Gah. I swear. My feelings this afternoon are like a yowling cat hanging around a front door. DO YOU WANT TO BE INSIDE OR OUTSIDE? PICK ONE. I don’t knoooooooooow, whine whine whine.
Thanks for letting me ramble more. ~ Quillian
And just so you know, she’s on day 8 today 🙂 Go, Quill, Go!
Team 100 update: 3 members have rejoined the challenge after a period of ‘research’ — welcome back to TMcA (4), PP (2), Moonbeam (3), and SoberInMtl (5).
Just to note, when someone stops emailing or goes ‘missing’, I still hold your spot for you. Your name stays on the chart and when you’re ready, you can just email and give your new day 1 and we keep rolling. If you reached out asking to do the challenge, then I save your spot. That means that Lurker Mum can come back any time and resume her spot #32 (i’m teasing you specifically cuz i know you’re right here with us…).
Celebrations for: MG who is not telling me (yet!) what day she’s on but she’s doing well, Sunflower (75), Ellen (50), Lane (60), Sober Kat (240), Christina (60), Marie (45), Laura (25), Erin (45), Diane (60), Carolyn (10), Cam (28), Gindy (60).
And hugs to Lurker B and Helene for bravery.