It’ll take more than icing …

Bracelet update: So when i put up the bracelet picture yesterday, i didn’t really expect that the 10 available would get scooped up in about 4 hours …  If you’d like an email when there are more available, you can sign up here.  All going well, i should know mid-next-week.  Monday is a holiday in the US so things are moving slowly in anticipation …

i’ve had a weirdly long day, spent hours learning how to frost a birthday cake, with about 30 minutes to spare before the client picked it up.  i made the mistake of telling her the frosting was ‘butter, icing sugar + vanilla’ because that left out a bit of food coloring which would have made putting light frosting on dark cake easier. i also told her no shortening (again, what do you think is in the icing at the grocery store?). yes, i’m doing catering from scratch, with real food. and yes, that means sometimes that my head can nearly fly off when it doesn’t smooth, set, or behave like the store-bought-junk does.

combine frustrated fucking icing with weather that was LITERALLY hailing, a very sore throat which i know equals laryngitis coming up. oh i had a big case of the fuck-its.

so right at the end of the catering job, even before she had picked up the cakes (god, yes, there were two cakes), i toyed with two ideas: (1) having a glass of wine and calling it quits – everything – the blog, the challenge, and the catering.  fuck all of it.  (2) i figured i’d email the cake woman, tell her to come get her cakes no charge, and i’d say to her “i’m never icing another fucking birthday cake again, please get these out of my house.”

Instead. I had a bath. i remembered that my blog post from only DAYS ago, I was writing to me, telling me that when i’m tired/overwhelmed, that i often feel like quitting everything. catering included.

After my bath I got an email from the woman about the cake:

Cake overdose… we loved it! The flavor was wonderful! The cake subtle lemon flavor n the frosting came out very good, bravo coz it was a success. I’ve given my friend n neighbor ur website because she n her kids had some cake too n they will definitely be ordering. She is half English n liked the that you make pies too. Thanks for the fairy dust, i’ll put some on the larger cake tmrw!! :)) Thank you again… So happy to find someone close by for homemade treats. the last lady who made cakes for me moved to TX. So it’s good to know you are here and not moving anytime soon 🙂

and i wrote this to colleen the day before yesterday, and it seems perfect now:

let me tell you
it’s like
my new
and this looks like
a poem
it’s not.

and now it’s 11:34 pm and i’m going to sleep. Let it save me from myself 🙂  let me wake up with a better attitude, good hair, and frosting that covers dark layers. let it fucking be sunny, or else.

oh, i can’t go to sleep before I do this:

Team 100 update: 89 members, welcome to Zenmeg (4), Mel (4), and Cam (15).  Celebrations for: Lilly (20), Emily (22), Victoria (62), Grace (11), Lawyer Anne (45), Lauren (60), Roxanne (30), Debbie (10), Erin (32), LilyUK (20), JG (20), Colleen (21), Em (15), and Jenna (12).  Me, i’m on day 327. and tomorrow i’ll be on day 328.  It’ll take more than icing to make me get out of my sober car …


I want to put this online, to hold myself accountable. I want to document the noise in my head. I'm tired of thinking about drinking. date of last drink: june 30, 2012

  • Ah good old perfectionism…a trigger of mine. The only escape from which was the fuck its of alcohol. Just another trigger, that’s all. Don’t take it out on the cake! That would never do…my cake loving friend.
    C x

    • thank god my husband is mr.crafty and he was able to get the tops smooth. I just couldn’t do it … I’m more of a ‘rustic finish’ girl myself …

  • Congratulations on your cake! and glad that wolfie did not get the best of you. I have been reading for a bit now and hope to join your 100 day challenge after my vacation next month. Going home to familiar families and friends who drink will be too tempting to resist at this point in my life. Today is my 18th day. I drank 4 days of 66 AF. Something that I am proud of. making slow steps toward abstaining.
    Thank you your blog, you have been an inspiration to so many who follow and lurk.

  • It’s okay to have those “fuck it moments” and to consider fucking it all as long as we don’t stop considerations at that first longed for drink, as long as we keep considering until we get to the drunk part, and then the hungover part, then the life back in ruins part, then the having to start it all over again part…

    I’ve had a few of those days lately myself, I know some people would say that’s a danger sign, but I think it’s healthy and normal as long as we think it all the way through, as long as we remind ourselves of why we quit and what we’ve gained. Yeah, sometimes I’d love to have a drink but I’m not willing to give up everything I’ve regained for that fucking drink.

    • KM, I’m exactly the same. I seem to have certain emotions or situations of frustration that trigger ‘drinking thoughts’ or ‘fuck it moments’ … but it never goes any further than that. I don’t buy booze, I don’t smell it, I never pour any. it’s my brain’s attempt at a solution to a situation, but really it’s hardly a solution! Right, let’s take frustration and add BOOZE, yeah that’ll make it better … Thanks for being here. always appreciate your input!

  • I’m not that surprised about the Wolfie bracelet. I was very happy I happened to look in the evening because I had the feeling that they’d be gone by morning. See this as a testimony to all you have built here and how important your presence is and therefore how much sadness would come about were you really, truly to say ‘fuck it all’. I can’t imagine. I think we might storm the castle and come find you…

    Icing, bah. I am a good cook but icing even cakes that it’s ok that they look homemade and amateurish can bring me undone. I’ve been contemplating doing a cake decorating course to make it easier actually. So trying to do professionally ice cakes. Arrrrrrrggggghhhhhh.

    Even your next cake will be WAY easier I guarantee it. But if not, maybe, um, don’t make this a prominent feature of your business because, as you know, people love cake and before you know it you’ll be up to your eyeballs in frosting. But, hey, who knows, maybe it’ll become your new ‘thing’?

    On a side note, I am now going to scold you.

    “(1) having a glass of wine and calling it quits”

    We all do this. But if we’re going to talk about relapsing, even flippantly, let’s be honest. A glass? Really? Who among us ever has a single glass. Do you feel like drinking a whole bottle (or more) of wine? Do you really? A whole bottle? And how would you feel waking up afterwards? (And yes, I know you’re not going to – I’m just saying.)

    Also, wowsers Belle, you are really closing in on a year! Am I right in thinking July 1st will be your soberversary?

    Hugs and lemon ginger honey tea for that throat,

    Lilly x

  • Amen sister! No amount of icing is worth drinking over. And how great is that a situation you wanted to say fuck it over turned out to be something you were appreciated for? I for one would be sad if you said fuck it and left us. You have touched more lives than you will ever know. I am a better person because I “met” you!

    Take that you damn wolf!

  • Now that really takes the cake Belle (IMAO – I know cheesy but with your icing reference I couldn’t resist). Great to see good positive feedback on all your efforts. And I’m not surprised about the bracelet. Way to go on your day 328!!