I received this email from A. today.
She writes: “I am usually suspicious of the type of thinking that subscribes to the notion that things always happen for some cosmic reason. I believe that most of the time, crap just happens.
However, I just had a hell of a shitty day yesterday… and I drank (please reset me to Day 1 in the challenge.) My husband and daughter forgot that it was Mother’s Day and I got very upset. (I know, I’m an adult. I should realize that people don’t do things like that on purpose and just GROW UP, but yesterday it really hurt.)
I used my upset as an excuse — a fuck everything and everybody excuse. And I spiraled into the very typical alcoholic thinking that I suck, I’m a bad mother, I’m a bad wife, no one appreciates me, blah, blah, blah. I drank because I felt I deserved to be able to drink since everything else was so sucky.
So when I was lying awake in bed this morning and beating myself up some more, I figured that I better close this email account and stop pretending that I could ever quit drinking because everyone else seems to get in their sober car and never look back — and I keep turning the fucking car around. I felt I ought to just tattoo a big L on my forehead for loser and go crawl in a hole.
Then I logged onto the computer and saw your post from yesterday…
“You may stop and start a bit, while you figure out how to get your sober car on the road. It doesn’t matter.”
Wow — talking directly to what I was feeling (is there a cosmic reason at work?) Maybe I’m not such a gigantic loser… (although, I do have to own the fact that I failed yesterday.) I can’t say that I’m feeling confident — I’m not sure how to get there in my mind. But certainly more hopeful that I felt earlier.
And you can quote me because today, you got me back in the car.
~ from A.
I ‘do’ believe in signs, but more in the way that when you’re ready to hear something, then the message makes sense. You might have read the same thing a month ago, but today it makes sense to you…
PS/ And those little shits for forgetting Mother’s Day! Really. If it was me, though, I’d have been reminding them for weeks. I announce my birthday for one full month in advance. I also post a list of gifts on the fridge that would suit me. Nobody fucking forgets my birthday, I assure you. Those shits…
Here are some Mother’s Day flowers for A.: