I had an antsy feeling that I could only sum up with these words: “I want wine”

today is a good day but some days are rotten. Some days when we were drinking were rotten, and some days when we are sober are rotten.

DDG (49 days / 7 weeks!) sent me an email last week about feeling rotten, bored, antsy, irritated with the world. nothing to look forward to. and she said “being sober can be SO boring.”

as i was writing back to her (yes, some days suck. they just do), towards the end of the email i wrote out something i’d never really heard before. but once i wrote it i knew it was true.

oh I have lots of completely down days, had several this week.  just have so much to do and can’t get motivated to do any of it. right in the middle of catering on Wednesday I thought “I’m so done with this I never want to do it again.” then sometimes it think “I need a new project” and then other times I think “I should finish some of the projects I have going, like I haven’t filed my taxes yet …” There are whole afternoons lost to the internet and/or cooking tv shows.  And then there are days when I wake up, I feel better, I go for a run, I have a cup of coffee and everything seems fucking perfect.

my only miracle cures for days in the ‘dumps’ are sleep + running + cake.  oh and a bit of tea. and some sunshine …
and then when I have a good day, I’m all like super-analyzing trying to figure out WHY it’s a good day so that I can do it again tomorrow …

[last week on Thursday, on a particularly crappy day] i said to my husband “I’m going out to the store for boxes for mailing stuff and I’m going to get some wine. It feels like a good day for wine.” and Mr. Belle said it probably wasn’t.

Then I went to the store to buy boxes.  I wasn’t really even really really thinking of buying wine.

but I had an antsy feeling that I could only sum up with those words.  after I bought the boxes, I cleaned out my inbox, had tea … the moment of “wine” was really a half-formed-thought-in-a-moment. at 10 months sober, I guess I know that I won’t actually drink.

but some blah days it seems like “this would be a good time for wine” is my go-to response to ‘cover up the day and hide from all of this, are we there yet, is this over yet’ feelings.  Instead, I go to bed early, get up and go for a long run, make a new recipe.

I’m not going to drink because of other disappointing other people. Because I never want to be on Day 1 again. Because I’m afraid if I restart drinking that I won’t be able to find the door into sobriety again and I’ll get stuck out there … I’m afraid because I’m not even sure that the antsy shit I feel is even wolfie at all.  he’s probably asleep and all that’s left is vestiges, worn neural pathways, patterns, habits.  and I am NOT going to drink because of a worn pathway.

and that, she says, is a grand commiseration for bored, blah, this day has no meaning. Knowing that tomorrow will be better.  because it always is. AND THANK FUCKING GOD FOR THAT!

(well, not god, per se …) but you know what i mean

hugs, Belle xoxo

Team 100 update: welcome to new members Lily UK (day 3), Moonbeam (2), JMM (6), Dawn (2), Paula (2), Clare, Allison (10), Allie (2), JG (3), TheDryCork (1), Colleen (4), Chelsie (1).

Celebrations today for: Jenni (day 99!), Sunflower (45), Lynda (49), Ellen/Whineless (20), Victoria (45), Kate (31), Lawyer Anne (28), Brandy (21), Lane (30), Katie (21).


I want to put this online, to hold myself accountable. I want to document the noise in my head. I'm tired of thinking about drinking. date of last drink: june 30, 2012

  • It’s so reassuring to read this post. Just lately I’ve been thinking a lot about when I’m fed up or don’t know what to do with how I’m feeling; my thoughts go to “well I might as well drink “…. only I know deep down that I don’t really mean it…. it’s like I don’t know what else to do. I’ve run out of the words or solution. This has left me feeling confused; because I know that drinking won’t help. I’m just so used to having this as the “solution” that it’s automatic, but now it doesn’t even feel authentic- like I know that’s not really what I’m trying to say.
    It’s almost like learning a new language, only I suppose it’s a feeling language- a “what to say or do when alcohol is no longer in the picture “.
    And I’m having a lot of meh days – not awful, nothing really bad, just not good. And I’m not used to these- I’m used to plain old awful or plain old “pretend everything is fine”. The mediocre is so much more odd and disconcerting.
    It’s like living in a totally new world….
    But knowing that I can’t go back ( and don’t want to go back) to the old world.
    I guess it’s just different… so helpful to read this when I’m 10+ months. Thanks Belle xx

  • SO…so sorry for not replying more frequently….but I’m on day 32 now and going strong!


  • Antsy. That is the perfect word for what I’m feeling right now. I want to crawl out of my skin. Thedrycork and Chelsie are one in the same : ) And moving on to day 2 …

    • Hi you, we’re at 70 today. I’m thinking that we’ll be full at 100 people. Then there’ll be a waiting list and people can join as others graduate : ) and mr. belle is really a keeper. I mean, yesterday he returned my library book for me. and he made eggs. The kindness!

      • I bet it’s not long till we are full! Where will we go when we graduate, what will be the next challenge?? Any ideas? I am not panicking, well, maybe just a bit…

      • Carrie, good question. and in fact your question makes me think that people don’t go anywhere when they graduate. you’re right. I like having people to email and talk with and I’m 10 months sober! hmm. let me think about this some more. still trying to figure out how this Team 100 thing will work as it gets bigger. I could always quit my day job … : ) hugs, me