i did post that i was having a wine craving yesterday, i’m happy to report that the feeling continues today! It’s not an overwhelming “oh my god i must drink right now” feeling, it’s more of a “i think a glass of wine would be a nice idea” kind of feeling.
But one thing i know. i am not going to drink. i may have this feeling, and even though i posted about it last night, it was more to say that yes i do still have those feelings. and while i’m currently experiencing an “i should drink wine” feeling, i also know in a tiny place in my head that i will not drink. not now. not like this. i would always wait a week first. i’d always go to bed first. I’d always blog and ask for help first. I’d always ask someone to call me and try to talk me out of it first. i’d always cry, and run 10K, and pound sand first. I’d make sure i’d tried every fucking thing first.
and yes, this has been enough to get me to nearly 9 months (shocking! egads that’s a long fucking time).
in response to my post yesterday, Lilly sent me this message:
I saw your post and that was something I really needed to read today. Yes, the ‘fuck its’ and the ‘smell of defeat’. I can see the danger zone approaching rapidly if I don’t take active steps to combat it – take THAT stupid Wolfie.
And Carrie wrote:
we would all be lost without you if you went back to boozing! ( no pressure!). Hope tomorrow is a better day…
Carrie’s comment made me feel a bit bad, because i didn’t want to sound overly dramatic. I may periodically have pangs, but I also know on some level that I won’t give in to them. I have other coping strategies… sleep, writing, running, and deciding to wait a week to ensure that I still feel like it – and I never do. I haven’t had a slip yet in 9 months so I’m pretty thankful for that, and expect to continue just like this.
I still feel the desire to drink sometimes, but I also know at the same time that I won’t give in to it 🙂
Then carrie asked a very clever question:
What do you miss? I mean really miss, enough to start drinking again?
great question! I don’t miss anything *enough*. sometimes I’m irritated that I’m on the outside of everyone else’s fun, but honestly that rarely rarely happens. it’s the first thing to come mind, though, to say – but actually I’m kind of ok being a tiny bit different (esp. when being different is better for me). I miss the ‘off’ switch that comes with a big glass of wine. I just wish that one glass of wine would suffice, but it doesn’t. so I’ve found other off switches. I miss the hazy feeling of vacation, sunshine and booze in the daytime. but really that leads to daytime ‘naps’, being grumpy with my husband, crying (I seem to cry more when drinking), weight gain, and headaches. and then I’d always drink more at dinnertime after my ‘nap’ … of course.
for now there’s nothing I miss enough. and the things that I’ve gained are much much more than wine ever gave me.
Even on its best day, wine was a shitty companion. never living up to its end of the bargain. always better in my imagination than in reality.
and on Monday April 1st I’ll be 9 months sober. let there be CAKE 🙂