in an email i wrote to my sober penpal, Lilly:
I don’t know anything about anything. I don’t know about moderation cuz I never tried it. I’m afraid of it. I’m afraid of relapse so I don’t try anything. And I’d only want to moderate if I thought that booze was useful… which I don’t … And the idea that it’ll be OK with just one glass is wolfie talking; it’s not common sense (which of course you know). And anyway, nothing gets worse from NOT drinking.
and in an email to Jenny:
no day going forward will be as difficult as the first 3 days … from now on they’re all pretty much the same. I honestly think that deciding to start [like really and truly do it] is the hardest part. then once we quit, we brace ourselves and we hold on tight with white knuckles … but the real drama is already behind us. Day one is behind you. hungover, regret, disappointment, it’s all finished. already behind you. Day one was the hardest (and most exciting) part. And now … well, now, your sober car is rolling downhill. you just do today what you did yesterday. Get enough sleep, get outside, drink fizzy drinks starting at 5 or 6 or 7 pm. stamp your feet a bit in a temper tantrum. have a bath. write something down. then repeat tomorrow 🙂 no really, you’re already doing it. the thing you’re waiting for is here.
and in an email to Amy:
being sober is fine with me because being drunk really isn’t that interesting, comparatively. There’s no ‘one glass of wine’ … There is only a choice between sober and loving it, and feeling like a bag of shit.
being sober penpals with you-all (and Jen and Leigh and Whineless and Jackie here and there) is truly fabulous. Someone posted a comment that i was working the 12th step. if working the 12th step is the same as making sure that I help me first, making sure that I don’t have a drink, that in explaining things by email it helps ME to travel on this highway just a little bit easier, then YES i’m doing the 12th step.
I’m sure the 12th step is supposed to be *selfless* in some ideal world. I’m sure i’ll get some lessons in AA in just a minute … (here come the comments!).
But here’s what i think.
in being of service i am talking to myself. when i write to jenny, i’m really writing to me. i’m explaining stuff to myself. When I write a blog post, it’s to talk to myself, or to work something out for me.
if you think you don’t have it “in you” to reach out just remember that you’re really helping yourself. it is in the helping of others that we ‘fill the hole’ and avoid the PIT. and any other metaphor you’d like to throw at it.
and when I explain things to myself, it really shuts up wolfie and THAT is my favorite sport.