encore, et encore

last day for book give away 🙂

wine tasting event last night.  I knew enough not to pour myself a taster, not to have a glass in front of me. but I did ask the person next to me if i could have a sip from one of their tasters.  All eyes on me (cuz i’m the girl who doesn’t drink), i took i very small sip, less than a teaspoon … and it was truly revolting.  Apparently the look on my face was pretty funny. it tasted like gasoline. and it smelled nasty. there i was, hosting a wine event, and i don’t drink wine, and when i did try to taste a sample i looked like i was in pain… they laughed at me.

and then I thought …

hard to believe anyone drinks this stuff voluntarily.

I’d have to drink it for awhile before I could ‘get used to it’ again.

i’m sure if i had a glass or two i’d be over the revolting taste part.

what kind of a person thinks that forcing yourself to drink something nasty would be a good idea.

oh, it does warm my throat just a bit.

i remember now the feeling of being numb in a few seconds. in a glass or two, i could be numb, i could go there.

i don’t want to be one of those people. i’ve read about them. i don’t want to be them.

i don’t want to say “i had a sip, then a glass, then a bottle.”

i am NOT going to be one of those stories.

and I poured myself some cranberry juice. the night continued. all is well. encore, et encore. again, and still.


I want to put this online, to hold myself accountable. I want to document the noise in my head. I'm tired of thinking about drinking. date of last drink: june 30, 2012

  • I was alarmed a bit, until I remembered that I also did a “little test” on myself at about the same length of time sober & clean. 🙂 I’ll stick to my belief that anytime before 6 months it too early to be testing one’s self, but it is also a part of “growing up” which is, after all, basically what sobering up is all about.
    I passed my test, as well, but I remember my mouth watering a little before I left. (Smoke is harder to get away from than a glass of something. 😉 ) Carry on, dear. You’re right where you’re supposed to be.

  • Hey Belle, I’ve been away and coming back its good to see you’re still here. I’m not sure i would’ve had a sip but if I had I’m pretty sure my reaction would have been similar. I’m sure with practice I could get used to it, but why would I want to? Huh? I could get used to whole raft of nasty things or things that detract from my life, but why? You done good girl. Take care, Paul.

    • hi there, hooray you’re back! i can’t say that i’ve made a habit of ‘tasting’ alcohol… let’s see, in nearly 8 months i’ve accidentally had a glug of champagne and OJ (guy says here, taste this it seems weird), and i’ve willfully ‘tasted’ booze to see if it was good enough to serve two other times, including valentine’s day. i’ve made food with alcohol in it probably a dozen times. I pour a can of beer into stew and it doesn’t even register to me that it’s something i used to drink. in fact, it smells rank and i never want to drink it – room temperature beer is just too gruesome! i know that perhaps my relationship to alcohol is different from lots of other people’s. i’m not romanticizing it. It doesn’t speak to me any more. i know it’s not for me, so there’s no real pull there. it’s a choice i can happily make every day: it’s not for me. On shitty days, i want to ‘go numb’ and i know that alcohol is a vehicle that could take me there, but i never crave the drink of wine itself… maybe that’s it. i’ve separated the taste of wine from its effects. cuz really, the taste is pretty horrific, esp. after a nearly 8 month break!

  • I’m just glad you stopped at that. If the worst thing to happen is also the best thing to happen to you in that you see it’s not for you, then groovy stuff. I don’t handle booze the way you do, but I do have it at work and use it in my cooking (I am a chef). So certainly I have had to be careful in my tasting, especially when I was early in my recovery. Anyway, thanks for posting this – I was a bit concerned but I can see that it has strengthened your resolve in your sobriety choice.

    have a wonderful day!


    • thanks for this Paul, i’m serving alcohol a lot and, like you, I cook with it all the time … and thankfully it doesn’t seem to bother me. I know it’s ‘not for me’ and i’ve written about that before. no need for concern (but thanks!), as there was never really any question about the outcome. i’m hell-bent-stupid-determined these days!

  • Amen to the last comment! That sip just reinforced what lots of people have actually said in books (“The Easy Way to Stop Drinking” and others..) that alcohol actually tastes HORRIBLE and that we just drink it for the effects. Think about all the hard alcohol drinks that we sugar up and mask the flavor….I mean, some wine tastes better than others, but I certainly could have cared less there at the end of my abusing it. I mean, is ‘fine wine’ in a box? I think not! Congratulations!!

    • like i posted above, i’ve had tastes before — obviously not many and not always intentionally, and i serve alcohol so i have to smell it all the time. i’m pretty surprised at how bad it smells. it’s quite nasty. but you’re totally right, it’s not about how good it tastes (or doesn’t). i’m not having any thanks. it’s not for me…

  • You did good girl. There are some that might bash you over the head for that one sip, but not me. I’ve done the sip, sip thing and, just like you, it was enough to answer my question firmly. “Nope, I still don’t want the shit in my life.”

    • well i wouldn’t tolerate much bashing! i’ve had a sip before, inadvertently, someone said ‘does this taste funny’ and handed me their drink and i tasted it. I cook with wine. I don’t it in my life … that’s a choice i get to make every day : ) and last night just reminded me that that i’m happy with my choice! you and me, both!