Today i woke with a headache, which is never a good sign. had a cup of coffee, an advil, lounged in bed for another hour. Had breakfast with a husband who has a toothache (is there anything worse? i’m sure an amputation would be less dramatic).
Then i looked at my desk in disarray, matching my head in disarray.
Then i read part of someone else’s non-drinking-related blog. she’s announcing to her followers that she’s closing down her business to start something else. Yes, of course, what didn’t I think of that.
Then i went into the kitchen, to my ashen-faced-husband, and and i said “i’ve decided to shut down job #2”. He says “and you’ll do something else?” and i say, yes, of course, we need the income. i’m just not doing THAT any more.
I am 6 months sober, and I am waking up to the fact i have a bunch of bits and pieces in my life that i’m ‘obligated’ to do, that i just don’t feel like doing any more.
I could tolerate a certain amount of chaos when i was drinking that i don’t seem to be able to tolerate any more.
instead, now that i’m sober, i wake up every day trying to talk myself into doing these things on my to-do list, these business/work tasks, and i just can’t make myself do them. i’m burnt out on the whole fucking mess of my life right now, all of the weird bits, the fractured income streams, the low grade illness, the snow, the sick husband. I’m sick and tired of all of it. If i could put my life in a box right now and close the lid, i’d happily create something else completely new. [and some days when i have a sick husband, i imagine a new life where i’m single]
Last night i said to husband, THIS SEEMS like it would be a good time to drink. I knew i wouldn’t. It just would have been a good time to drink, if there was ever such a time.
Instead, i’m going to do some massive house cleaning — literally and figuratively. i’m going to clean up and clean out. I’m even starting to feel like job #3 is too much work most weeks.
Beginning today I’m going to experiment with doing a lot less, and see if i can sit with the uncomfortable feelings that come up with that decision.
What will it mean if i do A LOT LESS.
well, we’re about find out.