not enough

Here’s how i know that i don’t think about booze in a *regular* way.

I’ve been sober for 135 days (since July 1st). that seems like a long time, oui? Well every so often i have a fleeting momentary thought of having “a glass” of something … one single glass of wine or of champagne. I’ll have the thought, and then I say no (batting flies away is a great metaphor).

And i know i’ll continue to say no.  Here’s why:

I was in a hotel this weekend, alone. No computer, i was having some scheduled vegetation time.

and in this crappy little hotel room, there was a mini bar.

and in that mini bar there was the following:

  • one toblerone bar
  • one kitkat bar
  • one bottle of water
  • two tiny cans of heineken
  • two mini bottles of red wine

And here was my very quick thought process (yes, even 135 days sober):

“I can’t even really entertain the thought of having that wine … because there’s not enough.”

not enough for what? to feel terrible? to feel blotto? to fill the space? to make me sleep? to make me feel like a truck ran over my life (not just my head)?

so any ideas of one glass — which my wolf voice will periodically tease me with — are actually hilarious.  one glass? hardly.  cuz when confronted with two airplane bottles of red wine and two cans of beer, i knew in a flash that it wasn’t enough.

and so i will continue to have none.  thanks just the same.


I want to put this online, to hold myself accountable. I want to document the noise in my head. I'm tired of thinking about drinking. date of last drink: june 30, 2012

  • YES!!! I think the exact same way! To be honest, seeing that ridiculously small amount of booze would only tell me to get ready for an adventure to the closest booze shop as those little ‘sips’ would be my primer. It would only be the beginning

  • That’s funny, how everything is so relative! How do you think about 135 days sober being a long time from the point of view where you are now?
    My 128 seem so huge and small at the same time. Anyway, I’m almost there where you were back then (and it’s always fascinating to read about similar numbers of days!), and I can completely relate: being confronted with mini bottles makes me feel stressed – even (or exspecially?) the thinking about it! – like how loudly could they yell and how ridiculously unsatisifying … no, thanks. I’ll stick to my water bottle. the big 1.5l one 😉

  • Day 515 today and I still have those same Wolfie visits. Love both of today’s emails. One fucking drink is never enough and just cuz I’m feeling good about winning the battle so far doesn’t mean I should skip the checking in. I am planning a Happy Sober Thanksgiving and not the least bit worried about the Thanksgiving hype… it’s just a day, and it is NOT a Wolfie wins day.
    Thanks for the reminders Belle💕

  • I don’t even kid myself that 1 would be enough ( and strangely 4 mini bottles sounds even less than enough than 1)
    I honestly don’t think I’ve ever had just 1 drink ever. I can’t relate to that way of thinking; I’m just not made that way!
    What’s the point of one anyway? Why stop at 1 when it feels good? Mmmmmmmm
    320+ days and I can’t risk having any at all

      • Funny how I think those extra 9 days don’t make much difference when only just over a year ago even one AF day was virtually impossible for me to achieve!
        Never ever ever thought it’d be me in the 10s of days let alone 100s….
        seriously if I can do this I truly believe anyone can

  • Day 444 I actually had to get the calculator out. Back in my drinking days, never would I’ve thought I would get to 444. I can’t imagine starting over and giving up all those days. Sometimes when I see a bottle, of ANYTHING, I’ll think just a sip, a taste, one small glass, one shot, a little buzz would be nice, my mouth may even water. Then I say “go F yourself Wolfie” I look at my Stay Here bracelet and then go make my special drink of a nice quality tonic with about 3 limes, poured in a special glass. Yummy, then I smile and say “THANK YOU BELLE”.

  • At 379 days. And yup, this is still true. I keep thinking that at some point, your early sober blogs will seem unnecessary for me. So far I am completely wrong about that😊. Thank you Belle💕.

  • Day 31 but I don’t even have the thought of ‘one ‘ because I know one bottle of wine wouldn’t be enough let alone one glass. Maybe further along I will have the thought but for now no, because my brain goes ‘ why on earth would you want one, what’s the point in that’ my brain wants blotto.

  • Well said! 2 mini bottles of wine??? That’s no where near enough…I needed almost 2 regular bottles at the end of my drinking.

  • Day 243, wow I need to say that again, day 243 and I can relate completely! There’s a bottle of wine in our fridge ready for my mums impending visit and I look at it and think, “well, it would be a start but then what will I drink??” and then I grab a alcohol free beer, shut the fridge and feel like I’m winning! Winning this on going battle one day at a time and loving it!

  • Oh my! I’m close to this day count but even closer to that thought pattern EXACTLY who am I kidding…
    One drink? nah ! Never ever did I master that skill.

  • On day 204 and this sounds familiar! Entertaining the idea of “just one” has been gone for a while but reminding myself that I CAN’T have “just one” -because, it’s never enough – keeps me going. I don’t want to go back to that shit.

  • Great articulation of a boozers thought process. I still do not see the point in one glass of wine, at all. What is the point of one glass of wine? Somebody tell me. And I agree, batting away flies is a great metaphor. Those thoughts don’t deserve any real consideration. Bat them away and move on, fast. You’re doing so great! Oh how I would love a weekend alone in vegetating in a hotel room…. xxxx

  • YES! I remember walking by a wine shop this summer, a few weeks into my quitting, thinking, I don’t want one bottle, I want to drink the whole store. All at once. It was a real feeling, and made me realize just how impossible it all was, including drinking “normally” anymore…

  • Really like the “truck running over my life” combination of words; that really does do it justice, Belle. None is the right amount for me too.

    Cheers to one day without – today – abeautifulmess39, and yesterday makes two. Excellent.

  • Great post….Have you seen the movie Flight with Denzel Washington? Anyway it was extremely emotional for me as I could relate some to him and his struggles. There is a scene in there that includes the “mini bar” so good for you that you had none:)!!! Day 2 for me!!!:)

    • ha, my disklike of flying will probably prevent me from scaring the shit out of myself with a movie like Flight … I was able to watch the Tom Hanks shipwrecked movie only by covering my eyes for the first 15 mins of the film! Day 2 for you rocks. you know you’re not going to drink today and that’s all that matters … get lots of fizzy water, and plan something else to do. go bowling! : )