i’m going to bed

it’s 8:40 pm and i’m heading to bed. it’s the only way i can be sure that i won’t consume wine, so bed it is. i’ve asked my husband 3 or 4 times if we can have wine, and he’s made a joke each time. he made me tea, then tonic and cranberry juice. he made supper. he wrapped me in a blanket. he says shitty-chipper things like “i like it that we’re not drinking now.” Then i’m just silently mad at him that i can’t have wine, cuz now it’s his fault. by asking him for permission, and him saying no, i’ve made it so i can be irritated with him. instead of just announcing that i’m having wine, which he probably wouldn’t counter. what a co-dependent GIRL i am. i’m sure boys don’t do shit like this.

well, this girl is dragging her sorry ass to bed. i had a perfectly lovely busy day, yes i’m tired but not overly so. yes i was hungry but then i ate. it was a nice sunny day.ย  light reflecting off rooftops. and everywhere i looked, every single fucking person on the planet had a drink in their hand (this was at about 5 pm). there was booze in the grocery store, in the store windows, it was just fucking everywhere.ย  everyone else is having wine and having a nice lovely time. and i’m not.

and now that i’m 91 days i deserve a prize! A big Wine Prize! (I did order a 90-day present, it’s an electric griddle/frying pan thing.ย  hardly exciting (to you maybe) but i can’t wait for it to come so i can make homemade English Muffins cuz the ones in foreign-land SUCK rocks…

Did i say bed? i’m going to bed. tomorrow will be fine. thank god i can always go to bed.

to get away from myself.


I want to put this online, to hold myself accountable. I want to document the noise in my head. I'm tired of thinking about drinking. date of last drink: june 30, 2012

  • I know this is a late post and you are way past 91 days, but this really resonates with me. I’m on Day 2, which doesn’t seem like a longtime, but right now, to me, it does. I think I’m stressed because I’ve been down this road before ( 5 months here, 21 months there, 45 days this past summer), and it scares me to think about doing it all again. BUT, it scares me more to think about having to deal with Day 1 and Day 2 again. The early sober days are tough !!! I napped yesterday and today -ALOT! I’m glad sleep is a good, free, accessible option; I plan on using it as much as needed. I like being reminded that I can hit the RESET button on life tomorrow. So glad I have your blog Belle ( and many others), to help me. Getting ready for bed and feeling grateful ๐Ÿ™‚

  • I hope today is a better day for you. I love sleep. It’s one of the few things that helped me stay sober early on.

  • Belle, I so hope when you wake up and read your blog that this will be a better day for you. Some days just suck. But they would suck more if you had the wine. But you know that, that is why you went to bed. Good for you.

    My DH says exactly the same thing, โ€œi like it that weโ€™re not drinking now.โ€ And I do too, except those moments when I really want a glass of wine.

    91 days!!! That is awesome! I am driving my little sober car right behind you…..just stay on the road.

  • Ugh! I HATE those days! And I’m so happy that sleep exists to get me through those times. Sweet dreams and fuck everyone who has wine tonight…I hope they all have horrible hangovers tomorrow.


  • I know exactly how you feel. Your post describes what I consider my worst day sober. Which is when I look around and its just glorious about and every person in my sphere has a fucking drink in their hand. Sometimes, and this isn’t very sober of me, I just wish there could be an International Dry-Out where for like, a week, everyone is required to put the drink down and just BE. Of course that would never happen because, well, we live in Intoxication Nation. Or at least I do.

    • i agree completely. it’s just downright exhausting sometimes. thankfully there’s sleep, which is where I get to press RESET on the crappy day and start again. today, thankfully, is a better day.