i’m ‘this’ close

was out for dinner last night, someone finally asked why i wasn’t drinking.  i got to explain the story ‘my-way’ and it wasn’t a big deal. i made myself look disciplined and happy with my decision.

As we got up from dinner (@ 11 pm) i realized that i wasn’t feeling well.  at all.

i headed off walking with the group to the train, but stopped 3/4 of the way there, said i forgot my phone at the restaurant, and went back for a bathroom stop.  Still not feeling great and knew i had to get home.  was too far to walk, a cab would be awkward, a train impossible.  stood around for a bit trying to figure out what was going to happen to me physically.  I walked to the train trying to psych myself up for it.  I got on the train, then got right off again before it left the station. found another bathroom. paid and re-entered, got on the train again, but wasn’t paying attention and went in the wrong direction. got off and changed sides and started again.  finally got home at 12:30 am, spent another while in the bathroom.  didn’t get to sleep until 1:30 am.

Today i am understandably exhausted.  I got up, did almost nothing all morning, went back to bed at noon and slept 2 hrs.  Then i forced myself to get dressed and to go out for supplies as we’re gearing up for another 3-day passion/job thing.  Worked hard late in the afternoon.

Now it’s evening (9:45 pm).  still headachey.  i have eaten today and all seems well enough.  i’m hydrated.  i have an appetite.

i just feel gigantically terrible.

i have the feeling that i used to get, when i would quit drinking for a few days and then started again.  i have a feeling that goes like this:

what’s the point, why bother, i’m not quitting forever so i might as well drink now.  what’s the point in working as hard as this, to feel as crummy as this? it’s all not worth it. i can’t even go to bed because i have so much work to do to get ready for the weekend.  i swear i’m taking some time off after this.  and fuck this, i’m going to drink again on day 90 (in 7 days). i won’t be impulsive about it, i will plan it, but i’m just over this whole thing.

Now thank god i keep a blog because i realize i got to this place before, this exact same place.  it’s when i feel sick and exhausted. i get in this weird loop of surfing the web, feeling like there’s too much information out there and i’ll never catch up, i’ll never figure it out.  whatever it is. who knows what it is.

right now, i am going to eat again, and then go to bed.  i’m going to try very hard to sleep through the night, for at least 8 hrs.  i’m going to try super hard to run tomorrow morning. i’m going to work like a dog for 3 days.  we are going to earn money. it will be worth it.  i’ll get a second wind (later).  i will socialize and love the people i meet. I will drink a lot of water and i will take a bath every day. with bubbles and candles.

i will not drink.

but i am sorely, desperately tempted.  I’m ‘this’ close.


I want to put this online, to hold myself accountable. I want to document the noise in my head. I'm tired of thinking about drinking. date of last drink: june 30, 2012

  • I was having a rough day yesterday and this email was so timely. Even at day 984, this feeling hit me like a truck once I got some serious/bad news about a loved one. I guess because it’s what I relied on before to get through tough times. (By get through I mean numb and avoid, of course.) But I reminded myself that I can’t truly be there for this person if I drink. And drinking will just make it worse – you get to be more anxious, feel more terrible, and it solves nothing at all. Anyway, just wanted to share. Hugs

  • I came across this so timely! I’m sick (not COVID though) and feeling pretty vulnerable, not then I read this (link via 100 days sober email). TODAY is my latest “Day 1”! It’s March 26th, which is the official “Make Up Your Own Holiday” day! It’s also “Live Long and Prosper” Day (Leonard Nimoy’s birthday); so why not? Here I go again (again). Thank you so much!

  • Wow, Belle.
    This post really resonated with me. I’ve certainly had many days when I feel “this close”. On Day 251 today. Thank you so much for being in my corner every day.

  • Oh how weird……I have read this entry before but a different bit stood out…and that was “ I surf the web feeling like there’s too much information out there and I’ll never catch up…..” My head feels exactly the same…almost as if there’s so much going on around me and coming at me through the internet that I can’t work out what is important and what isn’t. Almost as if I might miss something crucial but at the same time feeling overwhelmed with all the information out there.
    And that there must be a “right way of doing this “ which is easier…only I haven’t found the key yet. And I’m slowly getting sucked back into the thought that the only way I’m really ever going to cope with this life is if I go back to drinking…because that’s the ONLY way I know that really and truly manages my over active crazy head 🙁
    I’m trying not to reach this conclusion but just lately it seems the sensible solution…and it’s isn’t even that I’m craving a drink…it’s just that I know it “does the job” for me in the short term.
    Ugh ……so hard to find the off switch

    • i realize now that i’m further sober, that i only feel that way (that i can’t keep up) when i’m tired. when i’ve had enough sleep (and enough to eat), then i don’t have the same feeling at all…

  • I’m not sure if you read comments on archived posts. I just wanted to comment how well this reflects how I feel at this time – – and I’m only on day 13. I actually think i almost dislike counting days, i always forget and have to use my fingers – – and what’s the point if i want to stay sober in the long run? But, wolfie came in strong this morning with “what’s the point, why bother, I’m not quitting forever”. Already tired of thinking about “not drinking”. I’m not sure I even want a glass of wine or a beer. I have a 30 day goal I have promised myself to meet. But the what if’s continue to get to me.

    Also – the sobersphere is overwhelming me a bit. Your voice and carrieonsober is so helpful. I tried another site, but it was almost a trigger. So much talk about big book, fellowship, abstinence, it makes me feel defeated before i even start. I really just want to make it through these 30 days – – hope i feel so good that I continue. I keep reading I must surrender to my illness – – but I’m not ready to label myself an alcoholic, yet I’m not ready to drink. It leaves me quite confused.

    • You will find the right supports that work for you… there are lots of blogs that I don’t read, too. I try to find voices that resonate with me, and really we only need a few. the feeling of thinking about NOT drinking does relax, but it takes time. once we get solidly sober (30-60 days) then the feeling of being overwhelmed with the sober stuff eases up too. Hugs from me.

  • Hi Belle,

    I’m with Mrs D on this, we have made the desicsion we just have to work through the craving, every time, one by one. Who knows one day it might not even be this hard. You are superwoman, an inspiration to so many here. Hope you feel better.

  • Thinking about you Belle. Sorry it’s been a tough couple of days. We’ve all been to that edge, it’s a scary place. Maybe just go back and read some of your posts about why you stopped drinking and why you don’t wish to drink again? That might help you take a few steps back. Wish I could do something to help, just know we’re here for you. *big hugs* ~Christy

    • tks christy, I also have to ensure 100% that I get enough sleep. holy shit the wheels really come off for me if I’m exhausted… and quickly. good to know. now I have to stop doing it! if you’d like to help, I’ve got plenty to delegate, let me know when you’ll be in Europe and ‘in town’ and I’ll put you to work! and then we’ll go for a run afterwards : )

  • Thank you for sharing this Belle. I truly belive you can get through this. You have done it before, this is a milestone, approaching 90 days, all the hard work you’re doing emotionally and physically. From the outside, I have so much proof and evidence you can get through this. All I have to do it read through some of your blogs and I know you’ve done it before. I can also think about the times that I have drawn my own strength from your blog, so you’ve gotten me through some rough days too.
    I know this is all alot harder to see from the inside. Sometimes I read my own blog without signing in, as if I’m just a reader of it and not the writer. It has helped me in the past and when I read it liek that I have this feeling of, “wow, I can’t belive I actually know this person!” Maybe try it if you haven’t already?
    Big (((hugs)))!!!

    • I’ve also read my posts before and thought “I’d like to know this chick”! talk about weirdness! you’re right, I need some distance and reading my own posts might just do it … thanks for reaching out.

  • I’m rooting for you. I can feel the stuggle in this post. It’s hard to be strong, but it’s better than being a sorry ass drunk oblivious to the world. I feel like every day i’m sober is a small victory. You should feel damn proud of everything you are going through and still making it to the end of each day sober. You got this! (hugs)

    • this is hilarious : ) “it’s better than being a sorry ass drunk” — truer words were never spoken. in the light of morning, it does seem like a completely stupid idea to drink to deal with feelings of overwhelm and illness. Thank god for mornings!

  • Oh love .. this is a hard time… you let some pretty raw stuff out in your last post .. and had some good robust communication after that. Now a dinner out, sick guts, emotions, tiredness, you are working like a demon. Reaching for a drink is a quick fix to all of this but it’s not going to help you in any way in the long run. You may find you just need to have a big cry. Or a big long run. Or get that stick and whack that pillow! Or shag your husbands brains out (sorry). Or scream into your pillow. Good work on outing your inner addict. That voice is so seductive and strong. But alcohol is not the answer. It has been for you (and me) for a long time but it’s not any more. We’re all just learning new tools to deal with stuff. Keep on keeping on. This too shall pass. And other such cliches. Sending love and hugs xxxx

    • thanks Mrs D, sick guts really isn’t normal for me any more, so I’m sure I just ate something that didn’t like me. You’re right though, I did “out” my inner addict. in blogging, if I say what’s on my mind, then the wolf shuts up. and I get through. thank god for blogging. glad you’re here : )

  • so sorry Belle you are feeling bad. your description of your night out is like a nightmare. To be away from home and feel that way – horrible. As you say, you have been here before, understand the triggers, understand what needs to be done. Get to bed – no surfing – we’re watching. Sleep well. And know this too shall pass. Do hope all seems better in the morning.
    Cleo xxx