afraid of regret

i feel like i’ve said everything there is to say. i feel like i’m writing and have no audience, no voice, am not entertaining even to myself. I’m still exhausted from my third-passion-job, three-day adventure even though i slept 12 hrs last night. i get a break now and only have regular work tomorrow.  that’s a break.  Monday.  yes, i’m really tired. exhausted. is it worth it, this passion thing? maybe if anything interrupts my ability to sleep or run it should automatically be outlawed. nice black-and-white thinking.  well, on those terms, affecting sleep/running, then i would have to outlaw wine, too. instead i think a glass of wine would be prefect right now. i haven’t done my 30 minutes of writing for the last 3 days. and i’m off the running. i’m also mostly off showering.  i’ve just been working.  the third-passion-job is on my mind even when i close my eyes to sleep.  and it’s literally under my fingernails. it’s the wrong time of the month. it’s 8:29 pm. i’m on one computer in one room, husband on another in another. there must be more to life than this. i’d like an injection of good sleep, good energy, good run, and a clean house, and a clean slate, a burst of fresh air, some wind in my sails.

instead, it’s 8:30 pm. i’m going to have a cup of mint tea in the bathtub.  yes, i’ll fill the tub with water first, before i get in. i won’t just sit in an empty tub with a cup of tea.  i’ll get into the tub now before i decide to open the wine.  well, ok, not really. but some days it seems like an idea worthy of giving it a solid 6/10.  today, as an idea, it’s a 3/10.  sounds like it could be nice but i know i’m not going to do it.  and do you know what keeps me from drinking? not what you might think. not all the glorious pink cloud moments, not worrying about having to tell you-all.  no, what keeps me from drinking is that i’m afraid i’ll regret it.  and since i’m a pretty decisive and solid person in my regularly scheduled life, i don’t regret much. i’m lucky. i have very few regrets in life. and now i’m afraid of having regret take the form of a glass of wine.  and that, ladies and gentlemen, is what’s keeping me going.  at least tonight.


I want to put this online, to hold myself accountable. I want to document the noise in my head. I'm tired of thinking about drinking. date of last drink: june 30, 2012

  • I too – would like to echo – that reading about your earlier days of sobriety helps me , as well – Belle.
    I am unsure what day I am on ?
    I believe that I have crossed Day 200 (?) – this third time around ? … I cannot remember how ” far ” I got the last two times. Each time it gets easier, I guess?
    I do have days where the overconfidence kicks in and I assume that I can have a sip here or there … while then I remember the last few times I screwed up and it ended up getting ugly and sloppy. And I woke up not being able to stand my own self.
    So. I recently returned from a couple of HUGE social situations where everyone was drinking. I try to remind myself that the drinking is ” their ” respective path and I am on mine.
    I feel as if the entire decade of my 30s were wasted away , consuming so much booze.
    My point is that my regrets run deep.
    Right now, I am working a two job schedule and neither job fulfills me and / or allows me to use even one ounce of creativity. It gets me really down some days. And sometimes, I think to myself : ” Oh. OK. So. This is the part where I used to pour a glass of wine”. And another. Then another.
    To help relieve the sheer boredom and utter pain of not working on right, my passions.
    My birthday is later this month and as I move through my early 40s, there are moments of true clarity where I feel so good that I am moving further and further from the self – loathing and residues of regret which drinking helped sustain.
    My comments may sound a bit all over the place? Ah. Well. Thank you for letting me share along, Belle.
    Keep going, everyone!

  • Reading about your early days really helps me. Thank you Belle. I also do not drink because of fearing the regret. I am curious about the taste of an ice cold beer on a hot day but then I remind myself. That is Wolfie talking and he needs to go fly a kite. Trying not to be vulgar first thing in the am. Hugs from Fairfax, VA!!!

  • I’m thinking the time difference between you and I means that anything I say may not be timely enough to be helpful. BUT, the time difference does mean that I can tell you your future! AND, I have to say, the future looks up. Hang in there Ms Belle. Better times are ahead!

  • Hang in there Belle. Tomorrow maybe a day with a brighter perspective. Sending you love and positive thoughts from Mexico.

    • 🙂 this post is dated 2012, when i was on day … 16? 17? i’ve been continuously sober ever since … but my past-self thanks you.

  • Fear of regret – sounds lukewarm compared to my terror of drinking again, even one, even mouthwash with a risk of alcohol, even liqueur chocolates, tira misu, brandy butter. 27 months sober and still temptation tingles, immediately replaced by dread. Better, so so much better sober – never going there again! Thank you Belle for keeping me focussed.

  • Even our passions can be exhausting and draw an exorbitant amount of energy from us, because we give so much to them. It is awesome that you have recognized it and are finding others way to care for yourself through that exhaustion. (like bubble baths etc.) Sometimes we need to nurture ourselves not just in/through the bad times, but even in or after these wonderful times. It is all a part of figuring out the balance of life. It is a challenge, without a doubt.
    Keep paying attention to you, get some rest and take it easy on yourself. Enjoy the good, accept the not so good, and be proud that you have come this far. It is no matter what the reason for keeping you sober, as long as it keeps you sober. 🙂 xx

  • On hard days, Belle, that’s exactly what keeps me from not drinking too. Fear of regret that I know without a doubt would come and feel far worse than this restlessness. When I’m tired, I’m frankly a wreck, so I can relate to the exhaustion you’re describing. Please make time for some down time and a good night’s sleep and doing the things that relax and rejuvenate you.

  • Gritty phase – grit your teeth. It will pass. Such a bummer that us boozers can’t have the one glass of wine in times of stress…but no, because of our predilection toward steady, heavy drinking, we have to stop altogether and then BUMMER we lose that release. So… what to do instead? Bubble baths? Online shopping treats? Re-arrange some items in the house, put some pretty things out to look at? (I just did that with some favourite tea cups). I don’t know about you but the wine kept me on a nice even keel and now I’m sober I’m way more up and down and, like you seem in this post, get kind of restless, stressed, grumpy, happy, pissed off, annoyed, delighted … living sober! Big picture – still a way better way to live. You’ll get through. xxxx

  • That same desire not to regret my actions keeps me from drinking too; wat an eloquent way to say it. Thanks. As for having no audience, I am here as often as I can be, which is to say several times a week. I encourage you to run, eat well, and write if it brings something tangibly positive to you. If not, well, maybe it’s time for anothe pursuit. I’ve taken up quilt-making. Want to come on that trip with me for a while?

  • Blogging enthusiasm waxes and wains and life interferes, and that’s a good thing. It means that all that noise that drinking was making in your head is being replaced by more worthwhile stuff.

    When I first started writing my blog, I had no readers, no idea how to get readers, and no idea why I was writing a blog. All I knew was that I wanted to get sober and keeping my struggle private wasn’t helping. So I started writing a blog in which my main purpose is to achieve and maintain my own sobriety, but for me, it has always been easier to do something under the guise of helping someone else, luckily a blog serves both purposes. Note to you, and reminder to self: Don’t let numbers or lack of comments or followers keep you from helping yourself or others, even if it’s only one person. And don’t forget there are still so many people that are afraid to even acknowledge their problem with an anonymous comment, they still need to read what you have to say.

    Get some rest and keep on keeping on.

  • that is what is helping me the 2nd most right now..thoughts of regret. The blog …just writing out my thoughts and everyone’s blogs is what is helping me most. enjoy your bubble bath. (maybe have some ice cream. ) : )

  • Sounds like you are having a low day. ‘This too shall pass’. I think anyone who can work at something that they are passionate about is a very, very fortunate person (even when it is physically exhausting). Who know’s where it will take you and how it could change your life.
    What I love so much about reading your blog now, is the notable change in your focus. Your days are no longer all about alcohol. It gives me real encouragement that things will get easier. Day 22 – its still all about ‘not’ drinking. Can’t wait to be where you are. I hope tomorrow the sun is shining for you and you are filled with excitement about what lay ahead.