i’m sitting at my desk. i work on projects. I send out a newsletter to a group of clients who haven’t heard from me in two years… I clean off my desk. I make lunch, make dinner. I am working my way through eating the entire contents of our deep freeze. In January I said that it’s something i should do at least once a year. Now i’m actually doing it.
i’m running more or less consistently four times a week. I’m getting to bed at a set time and getting enough sleep each and every night. I laugh with my husband, i’m reading good books, and i’m at peace, relaxed, at ease.
it really feels like something is missing.
so this afternoon i tried to put my finger on it. staring at my computer screen. nothing. then i closed my eyes. Can i just be still for a second and see what’s missing?
well, the fact that i can be still and listen is the clue. the thing that’s missing is anxiety.
anxiety. my life-long friend. a continuous low grade thrum. a physical feeling in the stomach, a tenseness of body, a constricted way of thinking. it’s gone. I just realized today that it’s gone.
I used to come up to tedious tasks and then put them off because “i just can’t handle that right now.” can’t handle what exactly? getting out the Windex and cleaning the glass desk? really? how much energy does it take to grab a spray bottle and roll of paper towel.
I used to look at my inbox and sigh — so many people to contact, “i just can’t face them now.”
I used to let the phone ring. Clients calling and I’d stare at the call display. I’d even say out loud: “yeah, i’m not talking to YOU.” even if i didn’t know who it was.
and now i realize that the anxiety is gone.
no wonder i’ve been feeling so good for days, tiring everyone with my endless pink cloud gushing.
I mean REALLY! Drinking CAUSED the anxiety? i thought i drank to settle the uneasiness. this could almost piss me off.
it seems perverse. it doesn’t seem logical. Let’s try standing up in front of a room full of people who want to be sober, and let’s tell them: “you think you’re drinking to ease anxiety, but in fact if you give up booze for 70+ days, you might find that your anxiety disappears. entirely.” The boozers will smile nervously; they will not believe you. it’s not-believable.
and yet. here i am.
feeling un-anxious does occasionally mean that the wolf’s voice speaks up with stupid things like: “i must not have been a very bad boozer, because i’m feeling so great so soon.” When the truth is that without the poison of alcohol in my system, i actually now get to feel GREAT more often … without feeling pushed-forward, tense, irritable.
And so i don’t drink. Not today, and not tomorrow. and probably never again.
I’m living in a ‘room’ now that has been unaccessible to me my entire life.